The Drifter and Town Insantity
by EEevee
Summary: [AU, Western] Magic word: COMPLETE! Drifter Kenshin wished he’d never thought to spare his feet a walk. His arrival in town is far from ideal when he meets some shady people from his past.
1. Prologue

Title: The Drifter and Town Insanity  
  
Author: E_Eevee (with imput from my friend fyyrrose)  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, not even the tiniest chunk. Doesn't life totally suck? I don't own Colorado or a silver mine or a small, crazy town either. This is done without permission, but I'm a penniless chick so don't expect to get anything out of me. I do have three miniture hellhounds, would you like one?  
  
Prologue: Never Trust a Woman with a Rifle  
  
I leaned back just happy to be riding instead of walking. Buying a ticket on the stagecoach had taken a good bit out of my savings, but it was worth it. Completely.  
  
From under the shield of my thick, coppery bangs I curiously studied the other people swaying with the motion of the stage. There were three men and a woman. All of them were above myself, the poor drifter. Business class. Not like the hard company I usually found myself in. Men that looked like they didn't quite know how to hold a gun or ride a horse. Banks and investments were their choice weapons.  
  
My eyes slid over the men. Nothing extra-ordinary at all. Gray suits with black ties and fat faces. Bland, boring faces may I add. It wasn't that I was looking for trouble. I wasn't. I already had more than enough trouble in my life without looking for more. Reflexively my fingers touched my cheek. More than enough. Now, I was just trying to live my life.  
  
The woman was seated across from me. Unlike the fellow passengers she had a hard look about her. Even though she was wearing a dress it was like she was a wolf in sheep's clothing. Her jet-black hair was curled in a bun and her gray eyes were half-closed. Something deep inside me urged to stay clear. My instincts were always right on the money.  
  
"Hello Miss." Businessman number one said smoothly. I watched, curious.  
  
The woman eyed him briefly. Her eyes were still lidded with contempt. She flicked those stormy orbs over him and turned back to staring out at the landscape. The man seemed annoyed. Not enough to desist his attentions however.  
  
"Now, that's not very nice Miss." He chided with a under tone of malice. I began to wonder if I should step in before it got ugly.  
  
"Missus." She replied disinterested. "Now leave me alone."  
  
The man backed off slightly before a undeniably lecherous grin slid across his features. His hands started to wander downward and I started to open my mouth. How could I make my interference look like an accident? Although I was in front of strangers, I had no intention of letting my true nature slip.   
  
"I'm sure your husband wouldn't mind if we shared mere pleasantries."  
  
Quick as a snake the woman's hand lashed out. I saw a flash of metal before it withdrew back to her side. The man screamed in pain and anger as bright red blood spilled out of his slashed arm. The jagged tear traced up his gangly arm.  
  
"I think he would. My husband is very possessive you see." She replied in the same tone, sheathing her knife back in its hiding place. She ignored the drops of blood that had splattered the hem of her dress. "I am not a whore, I do not expect to be treated as such."  
  
I blanched. Whatever I was expecting, that was not it. I had just watched this lady nearly slice off a man's hand. Now she was staring out the window like nothing had happened at all. The man was whimpering. She had slashed his left arm. Lucky, considering he'd never use it fully again.  
  
An uneasy silence hung over the occupants. I wondered who this woman was and hoped she wasn't headed the same direction I was. Then again, I could always drift somewhere else. With no set path, there were lots of options. If Colorado didn't suit me, I could always continue to head west. West. Towards the Pacific Ocean. Except that California was such a mess at the moment with the discovery of gold.  
  
Staring out at the scenery I couldn't help, but marvel. Snow was already dusting the surrounding mountaintops yet down where it was level, there was green. The trees tended to clump together around a small winding creek. Long grass the color of wheat concealed wildlife. The sky was darkening at the moment. I hoped we would get into town before darkness fell.  
  
We were behind due to a raid on the station before ours. All the horses had been stolen and the staff was slaughtered. The station itself was burned. That of course meant the coach had to push on with tired, harried horses.  
  
I looked forward to a bed. These seats were far from comfortable. The wooden frame on the window dug into my upper arm and forehead as I rested against it.  
  
Suddenly the coach jerked forward and there was a commotion outside. One of the men whimpered in fear while the others looked pale. Me, I was just confused.  
  
"Bandits!" The driver called down frantically. He was whipping the matched team of bays. The horses, catching the frenzy, raced ahead unevenly. They jerked and jostled in the harness rocking the coach. White foam flecked their mouths around the bits and their ears were pinned back.  
  
Sneaking a cautious peek out the window I noted the men bearing down on us. There was only a handful, which made me suspect a trap. But what were they after? So much as I knew there was no gold, just passengers. There was nothing of value.  
  
"Bastards." The woman hissed. She reached under the seat and pulled out a Colt. I gulped and muttered in surprise, "Oro!"  
  
She turned to me. Distant and polite. "I suggest you draw your gun if you wish to live. These men are ruthless and deadly." Her eyes cut across the other three men, "I doubt these cowards know how to even pull the trigger. It is the two of us. Katsu is busy directing the horses."  
  
It took a few seconds to realize she meant the driver's name was Katsu, and wait a minute! She was going to fight? This was no ordinary lady, which made me wonder who she was. How did she know I carried a gun? I rarely used it. If unholstered it tended to unleash my darker half. The one that thirsted for the blood of men, and enjoyed the skill of killing. I had put him behind me. Locked him away.  
  
While I was fighting with myself the woman had leaned out the window. The gun flashed and a man screamed. The three men cringed and hit the floor cowering. I understood that not everyone could be a fighter, but this was going to take their lives! The least they could do was fight back.  
  
One of the bandits drew along side. Under all the dirt and grim that encrusted his face, I could see he was very young. He pulled his gun level aiming for the woman who was hanging out the other side. Without even thinking I reacted. My gun cleared leather with unprecedented speed and the bullet lashed through the man's shoulder.  
  
The bandits slowed already having lost a few men. As far as I could tell the woman shot to kill. Three bodies lay in the dust behind us unmoving. The youth I had taken was limp over his bay's neck trying to tie off his arm with a bandana. Some unseen signal halted them all and I sighed.  
  
"Do not relax just yet."  
  
"Watch out down there! I'm ramming them!"  
  
"Oro!" I yelped, realizing some more men had set up a barricade in front of the coach. The driver had the team of six pounding towards them recklessly. Did everyone here have a death wish?  
  
At the last minute the rider scattered, firing off shots. Lead nicked the wooden coach, but soon we were out of range.  
  
Calming my beating heart, I looked down. The men were slowly getting up, still scared silly. Well, I was scared silly too. All I wanted was a ride, to save myself some walking. I knew that it was dangerous, but there was no money. And those weren't Indians. I decided to get out of this country as soon as possible. Why did trouble always find me?  
  
"Thank you for saving my life. I hope to repay you somehow." The woman said. I looked around then realized she was talking to me. The Colt had magically disappeared under the seat again and she had regained her former position. "My name is Tokio."  
  
Mildly embarrassed, I wondered if I was expected to give my name back. That wasn't something I was inclined to do. Asking a man's name could get you killed. Giving mine was even worse. It could get me killed. I hoped she wouldn't have the chance to repay me. I just wanted to get out of there. Away from her.  
  
She eyed me and I shrank away ever so slightly. Why did I suddenly feel like a lamb being led to slaughter?  
  
The rest of the ride was suffered in silence. I falsified sleep hoping to be left alone, all the while wondering about Missus Tokio. I wondered who she really was and what I was getting myself into. I had a strong suspicion she knew exactly who I was and if not that, she had a hunch. If she did, it didn't seem to faze her. Then again I had just watched her calmly dispatch of some bandits by sticking her body out a careening stagecoach and firing a rifle.  
  
"We're here, all safe and sound!" The driver called down as he hopped off the seat. The lanky man strolled over and opened the door. Missus Tokio accepted his offered hand and stepped down once again in the guise of a lady.   
  
The businessmen stumbled out gathering their luggage with haste. I exited last and having no worldly affects started looking for the nearest place to stay. After all this I figured I could treat myself to a night with a real bed and some hot food.  
  
Unfortunately, fate had other plans. Standing off to the side with a tall, blood bay was a figure I recognized all too well.   
  
A/N: So what do you people think? Am I totally crazy for doing this? I so needed to vent and poor, poor Kenny became the victim. This is just setting the stage. Reviews much appreciated. ;) 


	2. Chapter One: Never Sleep with the Enemy

Chapter One: Never Sleep with the Enemy  
  
The man watched me dispassionately, but I could sense the feral smirk threatening to curl across his mouth. His slanted, golden eyes locked onto me and I really wanted to get out of there. Out of all the people to meet…  
  
"Hajime."  
  
Missus Tokio set down her bags and stared at him. He started back nonplussed. A huge, furry dog bounded around the horse. He romped around her feet happily making small whining noises. She reached down and cupped his long muzzle in her hand tugging gently. He stilled instantly and I realized that the beast wasn't a dog. It was a wolf.   
  
Edging away slowly I was ready to leave this town never mind that it was getting dark and chilly. Anything had to be better than being stuck in a small mining town with those two and their pet monster.  
  
The wolf noticed me and growled lowly. His mustard colored eyes locked on me warningly while his lip curled up. I froze. He stopped growling. I moved. He started again. I may not speak wolf, but it was fairly clear what he expected.  
  
"Did you miss me?" Tokio asked not even bothering to call off her large canine. If I didn't know better I would think I was being used. There was no doubt in my mind that she knew who I was. Saitou looked at her levelly and I winced. The man could say something. Apparently she shared my thought and said coolly, "I see."  
  
"Mister Himura saved my life today. I was hoping to invite him to dinner dear husband. You would not have any objections would you?"  
  
Okay, so I was being used.  
  
Saitou said nothing, but I got the feeling if he could get away with it his lip would be curled like the wolf's. Instead he mounted up on the bay and waited. I guess that was approval. Maybe silent disapproval? Or, do whatever the hell you want bitchy woman? I didn't know and I most certainly didn't want to go to dinner.  
  
"Missus Tokio, I wouldn't want to intrude, that I wouldn't." I began and she gave me a harsh glare. My mouth snapped shut on it's own accord. "But dinner would be nice, that it would." Traitorous mouth.  
  
"I am afraid it will not be fancy, seeing as my husband cooked, however, it will be filling." She informed me. I stared blankly still stuck on two words; husband and cooked.  
  
Saitou stared at me. Daring me to make a comment. Daring me so he would have a reason to maim his wife's not-so-welcome guest.  
  
"I only brought two horses." He said informed her, deadpan.  
  
Missus Tokio smiled. Not the kind of smile that makes you feel good. More the kind that scares you and makes you wonder what sort of torture the wearer has planned. She grabbed the reins to the sorrel gelding and turned to me, "Mister Himura can ride behind me on Buck."  
  
I swear I heard Saitou's jaw crack he ground his teeth together so hard.  
  
"This unworthy one…" I began hoping to dissuade her of such a crazy notion. I'd rather run than face the wrath of Hajime Saitou for touching his wife. Before I could finish my sentence she had grabbed my arm in a firm, hard grip and thrown me up on the poor horse. The gelding hardly flinched. She swung up in front of me.   
  
The ride was swift and exceedingly uncomfortable. It probably would have been easier if I leaned into the woman's back, but instead I hung on with a death grip to the saddle beneath me. The gelding trotted quite unaware that he was seriously killing my rump with each jar. Not to mention other things.  
  
We arrived at a moderately nice house a mile or so on the outskirts of town. Everything out front was neat and tidy. A large wooden corral bordered the house and a good-sized barn backed it. A dozen or so horses were standing at the gate with their ears pricked forward.  
  
Missus Tokio slid out of the saddle gathering the sorrel's reins and patting his neck. Saitou dismounted stiffly handing her the reins to his blood bay stallion. The beast made an attempt on my leg with his teeth. Was every one here trying to harm me?  
  
"Mister Himura, I must rub down the horses and feed them. Please follow my husband inside and allow him to make you at home."  
  
Allow him to do what? I didn't think taxidermy was something I desired having done to me. This is the huge buck that I shot, lovely set of antlers wouldn't you say? There's the bear I wrestled bare handed and killed with my trusty hunting knife. And here we have my greatest trophy of them all: A stuffed ex-manslayer the Battousai.  
  
"Follow me." He growled. I liked his smirk much better. When he smirked it usually meant he was in good humor, or feeling incredibly sadistic. At the moment he was pissed enough to bite through a post.  
  
"I see you have made a nice home Saitou." I said mildly. "And you have such a lovely wife. You must be proud."  
  
He stared at me as if I had gone stark raving mad, "You want the bitch?"  
  
"Oro! This unworthy one was saying no such thing!"  
  
"Talking about me again Hajime?" Tokio asked. His sharp eyes slid across the hem of her dress taking in the blood spatters. She followed his gaze, "Nothing to worry about. It is not mine."  
  
I suddenly wanted to melt into the wall or at least sink into the ground.   
  
Dinner was silent and uneventful. The food was actually quite nice although I refrained from saying so. A man had his pride after all and Saitou's had already been sorely tested this evening.  
  
"Hajime, would you escort Mister Himura to town?"  
  
Silence met her request.  
  
"Please refrain from acting like a five year old in a snit. Mister Himura is our guest." She put special emphasis on our and I cringed.  
  
Oh boy, if looks could kill I'd be in hell over a fire pit turning on a spit.  
  
"Fine. I will escort the Battousai to town." Saitou agreed. Lifting a cynical eyebrow I wondered just how smart it would be to ride next to him in the dark. After all, he was trying to kill me. Or at least last time I checked. I found myself dutifully following the couple out onto the porch.  
  
Tokio leaned down a brushed her lips against mine. Frozen, I felt like a trapped animal. Should I relax? Be nonchalant about it. Like beautiful woman who just happen to be my rival's wife kissed me everyday. Or should I push her away? Risk the wrath of a scorned woman. No thank you. Although I wasn't much for company I wasn't about to risk that again. I learned my lesson the first time. Learned it well. There was always the third option. Pretend to be gay.  
  
I was roughly jerked away. Feeling the steel grip on my scruff I wished I were taller. Tokio smiled sweetly. Not at me, at Saitou. I felt the grip squeeze me tighter. If he got anymore irate something would bust: My arm or his blood vessel.  
  
"Safe trip Mister Himura. I hope you find whatever you are searching for."  
  
"Thank you for dinner. This unworthy one is grateful." No, not really. Except for the food it was a complete disaster.  
  
"Come on." The lean man growled dropping me. Obediently I heeled like a whipped dog. I just kissed his wife. Well, sort of. She actually kissed me and it was very chaste, but I don't think that mattered much in his opinion. Guilt gnawed at me, but Battousai, who enjoyed my misery, was gloating about getting one up on the wolf.  
  
He led me to the horses, "Pick one."  
  
"Oro!" I didn't know a damn thing about those things. With my luck I'd pick an absolutely vicious one that would buck me off and snap my neck. Spotting the sorrel I'd ridden over on I decided that was a safe bet. He hadn't tried to kill me last time. Timidly I approached him. "Good boy. Nice boy. You would like to give me a ride, that you would."  
  
I could feel Saitou's eyes boring a hole in my back. Halfway turning I noted the small smirk. Imminent danger.  
  
With blinding speed the horse lashed out with his hind hooves. Only my god-like speed save me from being decapitated. Even so something hard smashed into my shoulder. The iron shoe glanced off my collarbone numbing my whole body. Who said horseshoes were lucky? Well, now I'd have a nice imprint of one to carry around with me.  
  
"Wrong choice Battousai." Clearly I was at his mercy now. Time to humble up and beg for help.  
  
"This unworthy one would like your assistance, that he would." All right you heartless bastard, give me a break. Be mad at your wife, not me.  
  
"Having trouble." He pressured. Somewhere in the time I was getting mauled he had saddled his red horse and was leaning out of the saddle in amusement. His golden eyes glinted maliciously in the dark. "Tokio's horse only serves one rider. I suggest you take the pony sleeping in the shed. You might be able to handle her."  
  
Grumbling under my breath only half sure that the uncanny man's hearing couldn't reach me I poked the beast. It stood up and I realized it was really small. I don't know much about equinines, but this thing was tiny. It's head reached my chest. The beast raised her head and yawned in my face.  
  
"This unworthy one thinks that this pony may be too small." I called out.  
  
"Just hurry up. I would like to be home again before sunrise."  
  
Somehow I just couldn't see it working out. I was short, but really. My feet would be dragging on the ground. This beast was child sized. She sniffed me and I eyed her wondering how many teeth she had.  
  
"Hajime, you have not left yet?" Tokio called from the porch.  
  
"Battousai is having problems choosing a horse to fit him." Did I hear glee in the wolf's voice?  
  
"Then help him. Mister Himura, if you can hear me, just saddle up the gray mare."  
  
Spotting the afore mentioned creature I realized why she was gray. White crusted her muzzle and her half-shut eyes were filmy. She was swayback. So I wasn't the best horseman! I didn't need an armchair however. I could manage to hold on once I got up. Or at least I think I could.  
  
At the moment riding up behind Saitou was beginning to look appealing.  
  
The darkness engulfed us the moment we stepped out of the ranch's warm light. I listened to the steady clip-clop of the horses' hooves on the hard packed ground. The gray kind of shambled along, but I was just happy to be on my way out. Town couldn't be worse than this.  
  
Facts  
  
-Set 11 years after the Civil War ended (1876)  
  
-The town is in Colorado, somewhere close to Colorado Springs  
  
- In 1871 Denver is connected to the national railroad system  
  
Author's Note: I've never written a western, the last western I watched was Four for Texas, and I've been digging up my Grandmother's Louis L'mour books (I was reading one too until I got ahold of Harry Potter. Damn that Umbridge woman!). I'm going to *try* to keep everyone in character (even Kenny, on the outside anyway. He can be a smart ass in his mind :D ) Since I don't really know Tokio's persona I made one up, don't kill me. I'm also trying this thing call humor. I'm as good at humor as I am romance (meaning I can't make you choke on fluff or drown in WAFF).  
  
Reviewers:  
  
Fyyrrose: You shut up -.-;;  
  
The Weird One2: This should be an interesting experience for me O__O;; I don't think I've seen any other RK westerns *furrows brow*  
  
MissBehavin: Well I reckon ya should just plunk down right there... okay, you do the western talk far better than I ^^, but here's your wish granted. Another fun chapter, with lots of Saitou no less. 


	3. Chapter Two: What’s in a Bar Anyway

Chapter Two: What's in a Bar Anyway  
  
Rubbing my sore rump ruefully I was undyingly grateful to have made it into town in one piece. Saitou was… pleasant. Okay, the silence could have killed a mute, but I was alive. That should count for something, shouldn't it? He didn't have to kick me off the horse. I was getting down; just a bit slow that's all.  
  
A loud racket drew my attention and I blinked. Apparently the bar was in full swing at this time of night. Maybe they would direct me to a good place to stay the night.   
  
Pushing in the door I was greeted with blinding light and a lot of smelly men. Wrinkling my noise I waited for my eyes to adjust. The bar tender acknowledged me and I decided to wade over and see if I could ask her. She seemed friendly. I tried not to think of the rifle hanging behind her and the knife that was surely hidden under the counter. Funny how during the war I never worried about dying, but now I was practically paranoid.  
  
'That's because you're a wuss,' Battousai sneered and I told him to go back to hiding under his rock.  
  
Before I made it to the bar someone jumped me from behind. Cheap perfume hit my nose and I was spun around to face the biggest pair of breasts I had ever seen.  
  
"Oro!"  
  
"How about a tumble in the hay handsome?" The sultry female purred and I struggled to extract myself. Maybe being gay would work better.  
  
Another woman, this one the other end of the scale on top, glided up with a smirk, "Sweety, why would he want you? Can't you tell he's gay?"  
  
"Oro!" Okay, so maybe not.  
  
Taking a closer look I realized she was a he. No wonder he was flat… I mean, gah. At the moment I just wanted to flee and let the panthers tear me apart. This was crazy. All I wanted was to get a good night's sleep. What was with these people? Was this whole town insane? It must be the dust from the mines.  
  
"No one would want a freak like you." The first woman said snidely and clutched my arm possessively.  
  
"It takes all kinds." The he-she replied smoothly tracing my palm.  
  
"Ladies…" Should I address them that way? Damn politeness. I should just jerk my arm away and serve myself up to Saitou. Nothing could be worse than this. Nothing.  
  
"Lady?" The he-she raised an eyebrow and giggled. "We're soiled doves, not ladies. Prostitutes. But I do love a man who is so polite and considerate."  
  
"Dove?" The woman with the extensive cleavage screeched, "You're more like a vulture stealing other people's men."  
  
"In that case I believe you would be a raven. Bringer of Death and Destruction. I mean, look at your lipstick. It's atrocious honey."  
  
"Hey gals, why don't we make it a foursome. I wouldn't want anyone to be left out." A lean youth leered. His spiked brown hair hung over a red bandanna on his forehead and his hazel eyes had a misted quality to him. It didn't take a genius to figure out he was drunk out of his mind. The booze bottle in his hand and the stink on his breath testified to that quite nicely.  
  
"Go dunk your head in a horse trough." The woman growled clearly not pleased with the intrusion. I was thinking this was getting a bit too crowded… wait! Foursome? Did he think…?  
  
"Aw, let the boy have his fun Yumi."   
  
The woman scowled and I noticed she had on green lipstick. Who wears green lipstick? How exactly did you make green lipstick?   
  
"Sanosuke never pays."  
  
"Now," The young man began and swayed slightly. He draped an arm over my shoulder to steady himself, "Don't be that way."  
  
This was uncomfortable enough but when his hands started to wander I squirmed. I was not gay!   
  
"You're a pretty little thing. Don't think I've seen you 'round here before. New?" Now it was definitely going over the line. His fingers were drifting towards my ass. Vow not to kill? What vow.  
  
Must… be… polite. "This unworthy one would ask you to remove your hands sir."  
  
"Shy? That's okay. I like 'em that way." His fingers grabbed skin and twisted. Yelping I was now not caring in the slightest what kind of scene I was going to make.  
  
His other hand rested on my chest while the original one continued it's explorations, "You're kinda small ain't ya? But I'm not one to turn down a female in need."  
  
'Small?' Battousai howled in outrage throwing himself at the mental prison he resided in.   
  
I realized that the youth was talking about my chest long before Battousai did. Even so I couldn't help feeling very annoyed. Grabbing his hand I decided to show a bit of backbone. This had gone on way too long.  
  
"This unworthy one is male, that he is." I put special emphasis on male and he. The youth jumped back like I'd lit him on fire.  
  
His eyes darted around and he stumbled, "Fuck."  
  
Suddenly his eyes rolled back in his head and he fainted.  
  
Concerned I started to see if he was still alive when the he-she yanked my hair. The totally distracted me. It was one thing to feel me up, quite another to touch the sacred hair.  
  
Unmindful of the taboo he'd just broken he purred, "Now how about we go to the back honey?"  
  
Did he just not pay attention to anything that had just happened? It was quite obvious I was not seeking a man's attentions. Apparently that wasn't about to stop him.  
  
"Keep your filthy, good for nothing hands off my client Kamatari!" Yumi yelled. I winced wondering how long it would take for my hearing to return. That couldn't be good for her blood pressure.  
  
They were occupied with each other and I made a good escape.  
  
Abandoning the idea of a nice room I was ready to settle for sneaking into someone's barn. At least donkeys didn't try to hit on me.  
  
Stumbling out I must have looked like I was the one with too much liquor. I knocked over a card game and almost got scalped. Apologizing like mad I somehow made it to the door without getting killed.  
  
A small body slammed into me and I fell back. Growling under my breath I decided I was sick of apologizing.  
  
"This unworthy one is very sorry." Damn mouth. It never listens.  
  
"Hey, watch where you're going you big, dumb jerk!" A boy who looked too young to be drinking, let alone going in a bar hollered. He eyed me strangely then muttered red faced, "Sorry lady."  
  
Lady? Watch it brat.  
  
Ignoring his pro-offered hand I rose to my feet and dusted myself off huffily. Getting answers was becoming a personal goal of mine. I wanted to know where the nearest room was. At the moment I didn't care if it had bugs, so long as they weren't a certain cricket-faced man, or a roommate, so long as the roommate wasn't interested in groping me all over. I was not common property!  
  
"This unworthy one was wondering if there was a room to rent." I said, not bothering to correct the boy. He'd figure it out eventually.  
  
"Naw, this is a mining town lady. You could go over to the Kamiya Ranch. Ugly, the owner, could always use some spare cash." He advised. "Tell her that Yahiko sent you. Better shout that first if you don't want to get shot at. She's got some mean buck shot."  
  
The joys never end in this wonderful town. Another crazy with a gun. I wondered what this 'Ugly' was like. It sounded like it was my best shot though and if she left me alone I'd be happy.  
  
Trudging in the direction the boy pointed I came to a comely little place at the end of main street. I could see open range stretched out behind it into darkness. Keeping in mind what Yahiko had informed me I did my best to stay in the open. Skulking should only be employed with you're ready to be shot at. I just wanted to sleep.  
  
Belated I realized I had no idea what to call out. Somehow I didn't think Ugly would be appropriate… unless it was a liked nickname. Maybe it was. Baffled I paused. It was an offensive nickname. If they didn't like it I would be pulling lead out of my body.  
  
Going with the never fail politeness I called out across the yard, "Ma'am, Yahiko directed me to your place…"  
  
Whizz. A bullet richoshaided past me touching the hair. Throwing myself flat I blinked. What did I do wrong?  
  
"Is that brat wanting more money again?" A female voice asked. Totally confused I laminated my defense, "Ma'am, all this unworthy one wants is a room to sleep in. Young Yahiko merely pointed this out to me, that he did."  
  
"Oh."  
  
There was a shuffled and the bolt clinked back. A slim young woman stood in the doorway. Her hair was pulled into a thick braid and she was wearing some night clothing. They clung in all the right places. Now I know that last thought was not completely mine. Scowling mentally I yelped as the butt of the gun came crashing down on my head.  
  
The very irked young woman had one arm crossed around her chest and was glaring with beautiful sapphire eyes, "Pervert!"  
  
"Oro." I whined rubbing my dishonored head and tried to clear my vision.  
  
"I suppose I do have an empty room. How much are you going to pay?" She sniffed.  
  
Pay? For a moment I was thinking favors of another nature. Well, why wouldn't I considering the evening so far! Then I realized she wanted money. Digging in my pouch I felt stupid counting it out in front of her. Why couldn't I just once, just once come prepared for something?  
  
Offering it out to her like a sacrifice to a goddess I waited. She peered down and I could see her thinking. She looked up and smiled. I thought I might melt. Or do the pee pee dance. All that liquid at dinner was catching up to me.  
  
"I guess that will be enough." She declared allowing me inside, "But no funny business. And don't expect breakfast."  
  
I almost asked, but my lump throbbed warningly and the urge subsided abruptly. Curling up in the hard as a rock with sharp bits sticking up bed I instantly fell asleep.  
  
Facts  
  
-The mining of Silver and Gold became very substantial during the 1870's and 1880's  
  
-Cattle were introduced in the 1870s and ranching continues today  
  
-Prostitutes were called Soiled Doves  
  
Author's Note: And enter most of the rest of the cast for this ficcy. Poor, poor cast. I almost feel sorry for them.  
  
Fyyrrose: You and your WPB need to hush up. I wonder why she reminds you of a *cough*certainbeta-reader*cough*... And B will be loosed eventually.  
  
MissBehavin: They might just be High Noon- ing it =] Once I figure out how to write a gun fight anyway O.-- Thanks for the recommendation, I'll pick up some Zane Grey next time I go to the library.   
  
The Weird One (no 2!): Eep, that came from another source, but hopefully I made the premise clear enough. Saitou and Tokio aren't getting along very well at the moment.   
  
Califpinay3001: Meep, what's confusing so I can fix it? 


	4. Chapter Three: Beware the Confessional

Disclaimer: SO PAY ATTENTION :D This has some religious content that (I think, not sure) could be considered offensive. There's no bashing or anything like that, but I know some people don't appreciate things like this at all. This chapter is not essential to the plot or anything so if you want to skip it feel free. All it does is introduce Aoshi, Misao, and Megumi, pretty much.  
  
Chapter Three: Beware the Confessional  
  
"Hey, you in there. Get up. It's time for church." I smashed my head into the yielding pillow and willed the loud voice to go away.   
  
Wait church? I landed in one of those towns where if you didn't go to church you'd burn at the stake, I bet. Which meant that everyone went to church. Everyone included quite a few people I'd love to avoid. What were the chances that I could sneak out?  
  
"Hey drifter! Did you hear me?" The pounding continued on the other side of the door and I rolled out of bed with a heavy thump. Dragging on my clothing I tucked my gun in its hiding place and opened the door. A heavy fist rapped on my face several times smashing my nose and forehead.  
  
"Oh my gosh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I was just trying to wake you up for church." My young hostess stammered totally red in the face. It was sweet. What was I saying? This is the girl that just slammed on my face like it was a wooden door. The one who shot at me last night. Not to mention she couldn't be older than twenty! Maybe I was a pervert.  
  
"This unworthy one thanks you for reminding me it is the Good Lord's day." I gritted out.  
  
"Oh, I made breakfast. It's on the table."  
  
So that's what that horrible smell was. I thought something had died. My stomach rumbled and I was rushed by all the memories of the night before. Damn that was good cooking though. Maybe my hostess should take some culinary lessons from Saitou.  
  
Settling down in a chair I gingerly poked what looked like it once belonged to a cow. Black crusted the edges, but pink tinged the middle. A mess of scrambled eggs snuggled up to the steak and some potato hash cuddled the other side. Or at least that's what I assumed they were. It was hard to tell.  
  
Hesitantly, I brought a mouthful of eggs to my mouth. Yellow juices ran off the side mingling with the pink ones on my plate. With a deep breath I stuck the fork in my mouth. Chewing thoughtfully I realized it wouldn't be too bad with some salt, try a mineful, and pepper, where's that field again? The only bad thing was the crunch the eggshells made when they scrapped my molars.  
  
The young woman bustled back in and stared at me. I looked up keeping a safe expression on my face. For a moment I thought she was going to hug me. Instead she settled down across from me practically glowing. I wasn't sure what I had done, but it made me feel good that she was pleased.  
  
'You're pathetic.' Battousai sneered. I threw a rock at him. He dodged and skittered away like a rabid dog. Ha, serves you right, you killing psycho freak.  
  
Bells clanged frantically startling me. Within an instant my gun had cleared it's holster and my violet eyes were flecked with amber. The woman was staring at me. She didn't seem afraid. In fact, she seemed angry. Willing my speeding heart down, I gave a sheepish smile. Her thunderous expression didn't change a wit.  
  
"How dare you!" She snarled and I flinched. How dare I what? She wasn't done. Oh no. Here comes the explanation. I got the feeling it came with the extra special encore of hard object hits head. "You point that gun at me and then put it away. What were you hoping to gain? Were you planning to rob me?"  
  
Her eyes widened and I felt mine doing the same. Rob her? My mind echoed still a tad slow.  
  
"You were. You were going to take all my money and skip town. Oh my gosh. Or worse, you planned to kill me. Even more so, rape me before you shot me and let me bleed all over the carpet."  
  
By then I was so confused that my head was going to explode.  
  
"Why would this unworthy one do such a thing?" I pleaded holding up my hands in a peaceful gesture. "A place to stay is all this unworthy one desired!"  
  
"Hey Ugly, you're going to be late!" The boy I recalled from the night before shrieked through the open window. He was munching on something that smelled suspiciously like it would taste a whole lot better that what had been rolling around in my mouth.  
  
She yelped, after smacking the kid over the head, and dashed out the door. What a way to start my day. I was leaving directly after church. Even if that meant trudging over the Rockies in bare feet with nothing but a wide brimmed hat. I wasn't going to wait around for the local outfitter to open. Who knows what other mentally unstable residents lurked around. At least at church they would be confined to good behavior.  
  
Slowly I made my way to the church. A few rude stares followed me. I wasn't dressed to be in the presence of Him, but I didn't care. I only had one set of clothing. These would just have to do. Besides, I doubted he very much cared. I could show up in my birthday suit and he wouldn't bat an eye.  
  
The bells clanged again and I felt them still ringing in my head long after they had silenced.  
  
"Misao is certainly enthusiastic today." I heard a woman mutter darkly.  
  
Approaching the church I just about fainted when I saw the priest. He was very tall and slender with shaggy dark hair. His piercing blue eyes scanned the area and a very uncomfortable smile graced his lips. Even with the smile his face brooded.  
  
His eyes stopped dead on me and the Battousai lunged to get free. I slammed him over the head with some iron bars. Down boy! Snarling my alter ego staggered up undetoured. Now I had a splitting headache.   
  
'He will die.' My other half hissed in anticipation and suddenly I was the one behind bars.  
  
Within a flash my body, driven by my bad half, strained forward. My hardened hands slid around his throat with ease and the fingers squeezed. Gleeful chuckling echoed all around. People gasped in horror and the Battousai preened. Such a show pony. Why didn't he just put a bullet through the iceblock's head? Dragging it out like some play on the stage.  
  
"Battousai." Shinomori acknowledged deadpan. His face was starting to match his eyes, but he didn't let on. That would be showing emotion. If he showed just the tiniest bit then he couldn't be mister-stick-up-my-butt. Then he would have to be human. Answer to human needs and perform human functions. Imagine that. Who wants to be human when they could be a mindless zombie?  
  
My out of control other half chuckled sliding his/my hand across the side of his neck. Just one little nerve impulse would end his life. Can't get much more simple than that. Oh, dragging it out would be much better, but there were witnesses after all. Slow and messy would do.  
  
"Already causing trouble." A familiar voice behind me leered and Battousai whirled. If there was one thing he hated more than Shinomori it was Saitou.  
  
"Hajime, it is a day of rest. That includes your job as sheriff." Death glare. That guy's pretty good at them. Too bad his wife didn't seem to notice.  
  
Battousai sneered at my observation. I could feel him itching to maim something, anything. Lusted. Of course, Mister I'm-now-a-man-of-God there was a prime target for his bloodlust. Then again I was more inclined to sway him towards Saitou. My butt agreed.  
  
A low growl sounded behind me. Battousai automatically whirled preparing to play Grim Reaper. Something heavy slammed into my chest knocking me to the ground. Hot, stinky breath blasted my face. For a moment there I thought that Saitou had jumped me. Until I realized that it was that blasted beast. The blasted beast with his fangs cupped around my slender throat.  
  
Nothing like life-threatening danger to bring out the man in me. "Oro!"  
  
"Lobo." Tokio said sternly. His murky golden orbs rolled over to her. My violet ones followed. She didn't seem perturbed in the slightest that a wolf had me by the throat and was seconds away from spilling my blood all over the street. "Leave Mister Himura alone. I do believe he is in control now."  
  
In control? I was out of control? Furrowing my brow I rubbed my now sticky neck and rose to my feet.  
  
"You have seemed to have found a place in normal society, that you have." I commented to Aoshi. My eyes lingered on the matching pair of silver crosses at his cuffs.   
  
"I have turned to God for forgiveness." The man replied monotonously.  
  
'Bullshit.' Battousai hissed completely disgusted.  
  
I bowed my head unsure how to reply. What did you say in situations like this? There must be a book out there somewhere. How to Defuse Awkward Situations with Old War Enemies. A must have for ex-manslayers.  
  
"Father Aoshi!" A bouncy girl raced up. Her cheeks were flushed and her emerald eyes sparkled. She was so perky the darker half of me was puking his guts out. Figuratively, not literally. That could be painful.  
  
"Yes Misao." Did I detect a bit of resignment?  
  
"I rang the bells! I think everyone is here now." She chirped. Yahiko shot her a look, "Well yeah. We would come even if you didn't ring the bells weasel girl!"  
  
"Why you-!" She shrieked. I thought my hostess could really belt it out. She was an amateur compared to this Miss Misao girl. Then there was the smacking. Were all the women here so violent? I know it's rough country and all, but honestly. Not to mention I don't think she should be allow sharp, pointy objects. That's just asking for it.  
  
Aoshi glided away and I raised an eyebrow. This was disaster. At least Saitou had already gone in and seated himself. That made it easier for me to choose a place on the other side of the church. Unfortunately everyone seemed to have a set seat leaving little old me, the drifter, sitting next to a rather familiar looking young man.  
  
He eyed me puzzled and I hoped he was stone sober now. Imagine, being groped in a church under the eyes of God and the congregation. Eternal Damnation.  
  
"Do I know you from somewhere?" He whispered, staring at me like a new bug. We were situated in the very back. He was in a semi-decent posture with his legs tucked under him and his arms hanging over the back of the pew. For some reason I expected him to plant his dirty feet on the back of the pew in front of him.  
  
"This unworthy one would like you to stop looking at me like that." I requested, edging away further.  
  
Realization hit his chocolate eyes and the face he made was quite funny. I just hoped his eyes weren't going to roll up in his head while he proceeded to faint on top of me. Right into my lap, face first, with my luck.  
  
"Oh. My. God." He whimpered. It was amazing how such a large man could make such a small sound. Almost like a mewling noise. "I'm sorry damn- er, sorry! I was just drunk. You see my buddy Katsu returned last night and we made this bet... I'm so sorry!"  
  
The woman in front of us turned around reproving. Her long black hair framed her face. A very lovely face may I add. She looked like a total bitch however.  
  
"Rooster head, some of us come to church for enlightenment and guidance." She hissed. He bristled immediately and all thoughts of apology were catapulted out of his head. He snarled back, "It ain't like that Fox. How much did you hear?"  
  
She flipped her hair back teasing and replied with a smirk, "Too much."  
  
"I'm not gay!" He shouted just a little too loud. Heads turned and I really just wanted to crawl out of there. Being a pagan was looking appealing. And we hadn't even gotten to the sermon yet. The man beside me blushed bright red and subsided.  
  
The sermon wasn't too bad. Aoshi didn't overdo it with the hellfire and brimstone bit. Not too much. In fact, he had a nice speaking voice, cold as ice, to accompany his chilling message about sin and the consequences. Very convincing. And his little speech lasted for a whole two hours. Who knew the man could talk so much? In whole sentences no less.  
  
It ended on a very dull note. Everyone started to gather in groups and chatter. Wonderful, social hour. They started to drift towards a secluded booth off to the side. A line formed. Curious I wandered over. It was a confessional booth. I cringed at the thought of admitting my misdoings to a stone block like Aoshi. That was begging for a bashing. Then again, he was sworn to secrecy or whatever. It couldn't hurt, could it? It wouldn't absolve me of the guilt that saturated my soul, but I could write off the last twenty-four hours with a clean conscience.  
  
Setting myself up, I realized that I was kind of close to the booth. Close enough to hear what was going on inside.  
  
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned." Oh boy. If I retreated now they would hear me. Crouching down miserably I waited to see what Sano would say.  
  
"Go on." Aoshi said emotionless. I could practically visualize his face set in a mask of indifference.  
  
"I was breaking the Prohibition Law* again... Lord forgive me... and I wasn't quite myself. This guy walked in. And I'm not gay! I like women. I have sinned with women!" I imagined he had. I'm sure Aoshi heard all about it too.  
  
Then there was this long pause and a new voice entered the room.  
  
"Forgive me Father, I have sinned." Miss Misao admitted. "Father, I'm having un-pure thoughts... There is this one man that I am in love with, but there is no way that he could ever return my affection."  
  
Aoshi didn't miss a beat, "Is this man married?"  
  
"Heavens no." She gasped.  
  
"Does his sexual preference lie away from women?"  
  
"I'm not gay!"  
  
"Uh, not to my knowledge!" Miss Misao yelped, ignoring Sano.  
  
"He lives far away then."  
  
"No, he's close to home."  
  
This is getting ridicules. Who plays guessing games with the servant of God? Why couldn't she just get past his identity and finish up.  
  
"Perhaps we should keep him anonymous." Aoshi suggested levelly in that same serene, freaky tone.  
  
"Hey, I ain't done!" Sano growled. Apparently he had enough of the pussy footing.  
  
There was a loud crash and a male yell of pain. More like a scream, but I won't go into that. Not after being mistaken for a female so many times.  
  
"You insensitive jerk! Can't you see I'm busy with Father Aoshi?" Crash.  
  
"I was here fir- what are you doing with that bench?" Wham.  
  
Aoshi, completely out of the blue, continued, "So you like Sanosuke. Then you should tell him."  
  
Silenced reigned supreme.  
  
"Like that... piece of horse dung?" Misao screeched in surprised. She shot out of the confessional with shocking speed. I didn't think human skin could reach that color of red. You learn something new everyday.  
  
Sano staggered out in her wake looking worst for wear, "Like that little weasel?" He muttered under his breath.  
  
Needless to say, I decided to skip the confessional.  
  
Facts  
  
*Prohibition was actually in 1920-33, therefore, Sano would not really know about it, but it's my fic so there!  
  
Okay, I really couldn't find a lot about 1870's religions, apparently not a very important time period. It happened after both Great Awakenings, so the proverbial dust must have settled if only slightly. I choose Roman Catholic because it's a very prominent religion (not to mention incredibly strict), one I was sure would be in an old western town. My beta reader really had to help me with this because I'm not particularly religious even though my family is Presbyterian (mother's side) and Catholic (father's). If I messed anything up blame her, not me!   
  
Beta Reader's comment: You are not allowed to blame me! I was *shudders* raised as a French Roman Catholic. Need I say more? No I rest my case! Please note that French Roman Catholics are completely insane and off their wacker! Look what it's done to me?  
  
A/N: I really should try to put some html in this so it's not one big jumble. It's just FF doesn't like my Word for some reason. I'll try, I promise. Put some underlines and stuff in. Any tips would be helpful -.-;;; I just want to put in bold, italic, and paragraph, nothing fancy.  
  
Reviewers:  
  
Riverwood: Yes, Kamatari kick... er, muffin! Scones are good, I like them with honey ;) It does appear to be unique, I don't know if that's good or bad .;;; As for Kaoru I'm just glad that she's not real ^___^ she shouldn't be allowed guns of any sort.  
  
tabby: Thanks.  
  
Trupana: I do, and a polar opposite to the other one at that! Psychologic drama meets insane comedy. I figured there was no way Kenshin could think as purely as he acts ^.^;;;;;;; Your wish is my command? Hmm, that didn't sound right. Oh well, update! Yup, there's Meg, but she'll not get too much of a part until later.  
  
Fyyrrose: How astute of you. Although I don't think Yumi holds a candle to Kite much less Raven ^^ As for the IPB/BPB and the WPB rabbit stew is sounding mighty tasty, ne? Don't worry, B will be freed.   
  
The Weird One: Now that's a thought that failed to hit me *ponders Kamatari as a soiled dove* Oh well, its just one of those things where Japan and America don't match up even though it's the same time period ^__^;;; Chalk it up to part of the fun of an AU.  
  
Califpinay3001: Thankies ^^   
  
MissBehavin: I reckon not, because if he did I couldn't use him later =] And his 'shortness' just makes him the funnest to mess with :D Poor Kenshin, I think he wants to run himself out of town by now.  
  
Haruko1: There will be no screaming for help or fainting here -.-;; I just can't see Kaoru doing that honestly. And she'll get some more chances to be kick-ass *nods*   
  
lere: Wow, I didn't think this would be such a hit. I'm glad my warped sense of humor is working. Hopefully this isn't too OOC for the western genre, but I have to keep the cast IC best I can while juggling my meager (but growing!) knowledge. 


	5. Chapter Four: Life's a Picnic

**Chapter Four: Life's a Picnic**

My hostess found me again in short order. She seemed to be in a good mood and I was fearful about opening my mouth. All it did was get me into trouble. 

"Oh," Her face lit up before she paused. I realized she didn't know my name. How typical. I'm such a lady-killer. "Himura, Kenshin Himura." 

"Kenshin." She tested it out. And apparently found it to her liking, "Kenshin, I just wanted to invite you to the town picnic!" 

'How lovely.' Battousai sneered and my mind blanked out temporarily in shock. I never thought the term lovely would ever be uttered by his badness. Not even in sarcasm. 

"Are you okay?" 

Not trusting my voice I nodded and flashed a bright smile. "A picnic sounds lovely, that it does." 

Actually, it brought back horrible, torturous memories involving my Master and too much sake. A nine year old should never, never have been subjected to that. I don't care what the circumstances were. 

"Come on then." She captured my hand. With a gentle smile I allowed her to drag me along, while mentally calling myself every name I could possibly think of. What in the world was I thinking? Did my brain shut down due to the breakfast I ingested this morning? 

Most of the town was already there. I noticed Miss Misao hanging around Aoshi again. Apparently she was incredibly persistent. Poor, poor man. My hostess just had to drag me over there. Honestly I'd rather be with Saitou than Mister Servant of God. At least the wolf made his intention of killing me very clear. 

"Kaoru, who's that?" 

"This is Kenshin Himura." She introduced me and helped to lay the large, checkered blanket down on the ground. My well-trained eyes detected a slight mound. Rushing forward I hoped to save Miss Kaoru from a fate worse than death. 

"Ouch." Miss Misao yelped loudly rubbing her barefoot ruefully. "Something bit me." That little comment was followed by a not so lady like curse complete with an interesting dance of burning pain, and lots of hand slapping. Battousai was incredibly amused. 

Kaoru slapped her ankle and leapt up. Little red insects were pouring all over the blanket in a crazed frenzy, on a mission to search and destroy. The tiny killers were swarming all over both girls and they were howling. Temporarily stunned by the unnaturally loud noises that belted out from their lungs, I watched in morbid fascination as the red stream of pissed critters made their way towards Aoshi. The man was deep in meditation. It'd be a nice way to see just how far above the physical plane he really was. 

I was hoping for a bellow of pain, but I suppose that was too much to ask. I would have settled for a small whimper. Stupid priest. 

There was a loud crashing noise, which jerked my attention away from Aoshi. Kaoru was stomping frantically and smashing the ground with the picnic basket. Food flew everywhere. Dodging to the left a cold chicken just missed my head. There was a sickening splat as it made contact with someone behind me. 

"That was my new dress!" A familiar voice howled angrily with no trace of honey in his voice. 

'It's an ugly dress. I believe he would make excellent bear bait.' 

Deciding that I would do anything for a lady except being attacked by enraged *fire ants I inched away slowly. 

"Kenshin!" Kaoru howled. 

'Bitch.' Battousai snarled knowing I couldn't help it. There was something about her that drew me. If it meant being bitten to death I would just have to live with that. 'Fool, do you not recall we are allergic?' 

Oh yeah, that one little detail. 

Rushing forward with my super godlike speed I swept her up bridal style leaving Miss Misao to fend for herself. It seemed she had gotten hold of a hot thing of tea and was doing her best to drown the little buggers. 

Stopping just out of reach I turned to watch the action. Kaoru's heartbeat had sped up and it felt oddly disconcerting to have her so close to me. There I go with the teenage hormones again. Her sapphire eyes stared at me like deep pools and she almost looked grateful. Or so I thought. 

"What are you doing you pervert!" She screamed like she was being raped and flailed about dramatically. Hanging on to her was like catching a fish with your hands. Not exactly impossible, but definitely harder than it looks. A lucky punch connected with my nose and I heard a pop. Blood poured everywhere. On me, on her, on Aoshi who was still oblivious to the world around him. 

She paused suddenly remorseful. Talk about mood swings. "I'm so sorry Kenshin!" Her gentle fingers traced along my nose unmindful of the slick blood. I would have enjoyed the sensation except for the tiny insects crawling up my legs. With a rather unmanly howl of pain I dropped her right into the seething mass of the buggers. 

'Good job Romeo.' 

Fumbling I retrieved her. Well, not that way! But when I tried to step forward further out of reach I realized too late that my feet had swollen up. So of course I tripped. Twisting around I managed to land on my back and get crushed by Miss Kaoru's weight. Not that she was fat! No, no. In fact, those curves were pressing in all the right places. Unfortunately the ants were biting in all the wrong ones. 

"Father Aoshi!" Misao shrieked somewhere above me. I darted a glance up just in time to see an arc of really hot tea soar through the air and douse the man. 

Apparently, the revenge of his favorite drink could pain Aoshi in a way no fire ant ever could. Especially down there. I almost felt sorry for him when he shot straight up in the air only to smash his head on a low branch. So much for a feared spy. Civilian life was making him soft. Or maybe the burning pain in his groin was clouding his senses. 

"Father Aoshi, let me help you." Misao wailed in shock. She had a wad of some sort of red material in her hand. 

'Oh yes, let her help.' 

"Hey Weasel, that's my bandanna!" Sano growled trying to snatch it back. He was unsuccessful because a certain black haired woman just happened to stand up at the time. Toppling over he smashed into a small sapling. An ominous buzzing noise filled the air. 

Kaoru pushed against me, but I didn't let go. That didn't sound good in the slightest. Luckily, I had inched far enough away on my butt that we were a good hundred feet or so from the chaos. 

"Let me-!" Kaoru started to struggle against me and I pinned her arms firmly. I didn't need more scars. 

"I do not think that is wise, that I don't." I soothed, "This unworthy one would not like to see you hurt. You should stay here, that you should." 

Okay, so she wasn't buying that crap for a second. Oh well, it was worth a shot. 

"What's that sound?" She halted her pain inflicting activities and started at the doomed Sano with wide eyes. 

"Son of a Bitch!" Sanosuke bellowed like an enraged bull. He pranced around like one too. Right through the potato salad. 

The hornets weren't impressed by his voice or his insult. Being tall and with that hideous hair cut how could they resist? You must admit he's a tempting target. Not to mention he was the one to rile them in the first place. 

By then, Aoshi had regained enough sense to crawl away and hide under a bench. 

'Too bad it's not a rock.' Battousai snorted. 

Misao had also taken refuge under there, while the lady that tripped Sano and a few other town folk slipped away. 

Sano was a moving target. I'm sure the hornets enjoyed a challenge, but Saitou was far from pleased when the youth started to stagger in his direction. He glared, like that was going to stop the guy, and stood his ground. Isn't Pride one of the Deadly Sins? I think so. 

"God damn it! These bastards hurt like bloody hell!" Wasn't cursing prohibited on Sunday? I secretly began to wonder if Sano had ever been aboard a sea going vessel. His vocabulary certainly rivaled the most hardened seaman. "Listen you pieces of shit, if you think-." 

The rest of his sentence was cut off rather abruptly as his foot plunged into a prairie dog hole. Going down like an injured cow horse, he swung his fists around blindly. The hornets, confused perhaps, changed their target. Who says insects can't communicate? 

The swarm did a quick right and attacked the nearest being foolish enough to be in range: Saitou. 

I saw the end of the world coming. 

Closing my eyes I awaited Saitou's reaction. Nothing. Peeking I was disappointed to find the man was unharmed. Smoke wafted up from his cigarette lazily and his face was bored. The hornets buzzed uncertainly, seeming confused. Slowly they backed off and returned to their ruined home. Which is not to say they didn't go after any idiot within stinging distance. 

"I always knew those things were bad for you, Hajime." Tokio remarked calmly as she rejoined her husband. Any issues they had the night before were now placed behind the mask of social obligation. 

People slowly crept out of their hiding places. I gathered this wasn't a normal town picnic. How lucky I am to see all the action. 

Then there was a very fetching scream from the woods bordering the lake. Yumi and Kamatari were bolting towards the group with terror on their faces. Of course, when in life threatening danger, what's better than to bicker with your archrival? Does wonders to distract your mind from emanate death. 

"This is all your fault. You smell like dinner!" Yumi accused, panting. Kamatari stuck his tongue out and retorted, "And you are going to be dinner running like that darling." 

A rather large black bear was barreling along after them. 

"Not if I run faster than you!" Yumi replied speeding up. You've got to give the girl some credit; running in a dress must be horribly hard. 

Secretly, I pulled out my gun and shot over the beast's head. No one needed to get hurt here, not even the poor bear. He paused ponderously with his nose twitching. Slowly, it took him that long to consider, he decided that perhaps eating humans wasn't the wisest choice. Not even if they did smell like cold chicken. 

Yahiko picked up a container of some sort from the wreck of Kaoru's basket and chucked it after the bear. It bounced off the large creature's back. The bear, not liking being pelted, but intrigued by the flying gift of food carefully chomped it up. Within seconds it was lumbering over the hills wailing in pain and misery. 

Yahiko whooped in glee, "That'll teach him! Ugly's cooking is the most deadly thing in this town!" 

Oh boy. 

Miss Kaoru knocked me away with a solid blow to the stomach. Winded I toppled back into the river's edge. The water wasn't quite so fast, in fact, it was soothing my angry ant bites. The water was slightly muddy, but I wasn't going to be choosey. 

"Hey, Himura, get out of there!" Miss Misao snapped at me. 

'Make me bitch.' Battousai snarled and I was inclined to agree with him. It was a free river. 

Sano limped over and dragged me out by the scruff scrunching up his nose. Well, he didn't smell all that great himself. 

"Put me down." I hissed. There were limits to this unworthy one's patience after all. He complied by dumping me down on top of Miss Misao. She twisted away. Really, I know I smelled, but did that mean everyone had to recoil like that? Maybe my eyes were amber? I checked. Nope, the cage was shut and locked up tight. Battousai was safe and sound in solitary confinement. 

"Kenshin…" Kaoru trailed off. Puzzled I looked down. Dark shapes were plastered to my legs and… places I'd rather not mention. 

"Ohohohoho." The woman who tripped Sano chuckled. If I actually trusted my eyes at the moment, I would have swore fox ears topped her head. "Clinic time." 

Facts

-* **Fire ants** (_Solenopis invicta_): They were accidentally introduced from South America to Alabama by ship. This was in the late 1930's so they wouldn't be there in my story. Texas has natives of these nasty suckers, but they wouldn't be in Colorado either ^^;;; But I really do hate the buggers, and it was too good to pass up. So forgive the inaccuracy! 

-**Hornets** (_Dolichovespula spp._): Stings from bees, hornets, and wasps cause more deaths than bites and stings from all other insects and spiders. However, hornets rarely sting people unless the nest is disturbed. They produce very large, gray nests in trees, shrubs or under external eaves of homes. Treat the sting site with an antiseptic to prevent a possible infection. Cool lotions or compresses can help relieve pain and swelling. Crushed aspirin or powdered meat tenderizer also can help reduce the pain. 

- **Black Bears** (_Ursus americanus_): Black bears are omnivores (meaning they eat both meat and veggies): carrion, fruit, nuts, honey (bees, waxy comb and all), young deer and elk, birds, eggs, and insects. Up to 90% of their diet is vegetation. What to Do if You Come Across a Black Bear? Stay calm. Move away and talk aloud to let the bear discover your presence. Back away slowly while facing the bear. Don't make eye contact, run, or make sudden movements. Don't climb a tree! Unlike grizzles, black bears are excellent climbers. 

- **Leeches** (_Macrobdella decora_):Leeches are flattened, segmented water worms. They have two suckers, one at each end of their bodies. Most are parasites. 'Macrobdellas' are the leeches that attach themselves to humans. This leech has a large, round mouth that also functions as a sucker to hold on to the host. Jaws around the mouth opening hold many fine (thin) teeth. Wounds produced when bloodsucking leeches attach will bleed for a while after the leech is removed or drops. An enzyme secreted by the leech keeps blood from coagulating (blood clotting) as it feeds. A slight to an intense itching sensation around the attachment is normal, but serious problems rarely develop. Without proper care, however, these sites may become infected. Now, you people may take this better than me, but leeches are still used to treat patients (no joke!). They have leech farms and everything *shudder*. Anyway, stay away from warm, still water where there's mud or reeds. To remove leeches you can use salt, vinegar, or fire (kinda like ticks, eww). Don't yank them off, it probably won't work if they're really attached. ^_^ 

**A/N **: Lookie, lookie, I got the dang thing to do html! How awesome is that? Now I can use bold and stuff. Of course it took twenty minutes and three writing programs to get it to work... 

Reviewers: 

**Riverwood**: Oh yes, our very hyper, sugar-high, kunai-wielding friend, I have plans for her >:) Hmm, as for Tomoe, there may be references. I actually *just* watched Trust and Betrayal yesterday (meaning I'm going to watch it at least two more times ^__^;;; before I actually use any of the characters in a story). So, in this story she's 6 feet under. 

**Trupana**: There will be more Megumi. The problem with managing a full cast is there are so darn many of them! So usually they get to star in chapters (with the exception of Kenny, because he's the main character and all). I have considered romance, and with great reluctance (yeah right :P ) decided to give it a shot. However, I warn you now, I refuse to pay for any psychartist bills! I've never seen Zorro, so the parallel wasn't intentional =D Hmm, you could try 'sitting' him, but I think he'd just stare at you like you were crazy. Thank you for such an opinionated review, you guys don't realize how much you fuel (and amuse) me with them! Makes my day. 

**MissBehavin**: Hmm, don't know, Sano and Misao, that sounds like trouble ^__^ Awesome! I'll try to see if I can work those in. I actually knew (kind of) about the "dead man's hand" (from a soap opera no less -.-; see what Italy reduced me to?). I didn't know about the term "shot of whiskey", that cool. I'm always amazed to find out where terms actually come from! 

**Fyyrrose**: B will get his time in the spot light, don't worry. This isn't all blood and gore. I know you like that and all, but entrails aren't that humorous. Can Aoshi talk for hours about anything? *thinks about it* That's a scary thought. Misao's not going to die, unless it's of embarassment. Tell WPB that I've trained the hellhounds to attack with vicious licking attacks! 

**Califpinay3001**: Be afraid, be very afraid >:) And believe it or not Aoshi being a priest does have some tactical stuff behind it! 


	6. Chapter Five: Let Me See Your License

**Chapter Five: Let Me See Your License**

'Don't let her do it! We'll be locked up for sure!' 

Instead Miss Kaoru grabbed the hair and yanked. Off balance and slightly annoyed, I was dragged after her. About half the town people meandered along with us. Hornet stings. Fire ant bites. Minor things. I also noticed that the half was completely male. So that's the way it was. 

The clinic was nice if a bit cramped. The lady doctor pursed her lips and sifted through the patients with practiced ease. I winced at some of the things she said to move the hang-ons out, but they just leered. I guess this happened a lot. 

She paused at me and lifted a cool brow. "So, would you like me to remove some leeches? You know some clothing would have to go with them." 

Kaoru snarled. I didn't quite understand that. She'd known me for less than twenty-four hours. 

Before I could answer, Sano thrust himself in between us with a cocky smirk. 

'This should be good.' Battousai smirked. 

"What do you want Rooster-boy? Shouldn't you go to the local veterinarian? I don't treat animals you know." 

"What about in bed?" He suggested slyly. 

Without a word she pulled out some brandy and started to pour it on his stings. Being the initial target of the irate wasps he had amassed a lot of them. He did a sharp intake of breath, and glared at her as the alcohol coated the sore insect stings. 

"What the hell did you do that for Foxy?" He demanded once he could speak again. 

She smiled evilly, "I had to disinfect them of course." 

"How 'bout you dis- dis- infest my mouth then?" He grinned and she groaned. "It's disinfect rooster-head. Infest would be all those earwig babies eating your brains." 

She turned her back to him and his hand dropped to her ass. To the causal observer it would have looked an accident, but after the experience I'd had the evening before, I knew better. 

"You're sagging Fox." 

Her eyes and lips narrowed drastically. Instinctively, I hid behind the nearest person. Aoshi looked on with his stiff expression. He didn't seem intimidated. 

Drawing herself up primly, Miss Megumi drawled in Sano-imitation, "I'm surprised you even know what a lady feels like cockhead." Ouch. "I always figured you as a boy-toy." 

His mouth dropped. This was below the belt and everyone knew it. 

"I'm not gay Megumi!" He snarled completely pissed. I wondered if he really was. Gay I mean. He was deigning it an awful lot today. For a second it looked like he was going to punch her before he got hold of his temper. Fear flashed behind her eyes and he was immediately repentant, "'M sorry Fox." 

She brushed him off silently and made her way towards me. Nothing like being treated by a doctor who just had an emotion blow out with the town drunk. 

Squirming away from her, I peered fearfully at the bottle in her hand. She ran her hand up my arm lightly before clamping an iron grip on my shoulder. There was no getting away. Not unless Miss Kaoru dragged me. 

"I don't recall see you around here before." She purred. How could you turn such a bland sentence into sounding like an intimate conversation? Her fingers worked around my pants and I got nervous. Hadn't I seen a scalpel floating around earlier? "Relax." She urged and I tensed. "It's just some salt for you leeches." Why didn't that reassure me? 

Amazingly it worked. 

"So what's your name?" She asked as she looked at my fire ant bites and swollen ankles. I noticed Miss Kaoru was on the other side of the room pretending not to watch us. I noticed Miss Megumi also noticed. A sly smirk crossed her face. "I think you might be contagious. I volunteer the clinic until you're deemed fit for society!" 

"Oro!" I was never getting out of this psychotic little town. 

"Now wait just a minute here!" Miss Kaoru demanded crossing the room with amazing speed. I wondered if that time of the month gave women super powers. "He's MY boarder." 

"Ohoho, is he now?" She grinned in triumph. "I'm the doctor and in charge of the welfare for this town. How could I let someone with a potentially harmful disease just walk out?" She made a mock gasp, "Why, I'd be doing a civil disservice!" 

How about a personal disservice? 

"This unworthy one would not take up the bed of another." I lamented. I noted the look of relief on Miss Kaoru's face. The logical part of me realized she just wanted my money. And that's the way it should be! She was young and joyful and young… I'm not a pediphile here! 

Miss Megumi's smug look slipped at my solid case and she looked vaguely disappointed that she couldn't stir up some mischief with me. Within an instant her attentions were diverted and she minced up to Yahiko. 

The boy was staring at her guarded clutching one arm with his hand. I assumed Miss Kaoru was guilty of any damage done since he had escaped the killer wildlife unscathed. 

"Let me look." Miss Megumi commanded and he mutely held out his arm. She poked it gently and he winced. 

Whisking away she returned with what looked suspiciously like a toothless saw. 

"I'm afraid this requires amputation. Now, what would you like to numb the pain?" She said seriously. 

Yahiko's face paled and he backed up until he hit Sano who was still sulking. He grabbed the boy by the shoulders, "Hey, Fox quit teasing. Can't ya see ya scared little Yahiko out of his little mind?" 

"I'm not little!" Yahiko snarled, the bone saw completely forgotten. He launched himself upwards and latched onto Sano's head gnawing furiously. 

Seeing as they were occupied, I figured I could possibly make a good escape. My leeches were gone and Miss Megumi had powdered my swollen feet with what smelled like borax. The white powder coated my feet, but at least the stinging had stopped. They don't call them fire ants for nothing. 

Oh my way backing out I bumped into something rather tall and solid. Without turning I knew it was Aoshi. I wondered briefly what he was still doing here. He didn't seem hurt. Unless he was just concerned for the well being of his flock. Pfft, yeah right. He was as caring as a block of ice. 

"This unworthy one is sorry to have bumped into you." In more ways that one. 

The taller man's cold blue eyes flickered over me and I blinked disarmingly, "Takani did not give you permission to leave." 

So I needed permission? Wait, I'm a guy, and I don't care if she's a doctor, I could leave when I wanted! Couldn't I? 

I opened my mouth to reply, but was cut off by a very frantic looking Miss Misao. Her blue eyes darted around the room wildly before landing on Megumi. She rushed over and grabbed the doctor by her shoulders. "Megumi, Jiiya needs your help!" 

"What has the old man done this time?" The lady doctor shook her head and deliberately placed items in a ratty, black medicine bag. 

"Well, he was chasing a skirt…" Miss Misao began animatedly. She bounced along still worried, but seemingly to lose the frantic edge now that Megumi had been recruited. Aoshi trailed along behind them like a silent wraith. 

Slowly, so as not to draw attention to myself I edged out. A firm hand grabbed my ponytail and I stopped. Turning slowly I came face to face with a rather annoyed Miss Kaoru. 

"Where do you think you're going?" She hissed, her eyes darting to the rest of the people in the clinic. "You haven't paid me yet." 

Oops, so I hadn't. 

"My money is back at your ranch, that it is." I murmured, "This unworthy one could go retrieve it…" 

"Not so fast buster! Who's to say you won't just make a run for it?" She demanded loudly drawing the attention of several people. 

"Oro!" I yelped, hoping that was annoying other people as much as it was myself. Honestly, I had to keep up a harmless mask, but saying some stupid word over and over was just a wee bit tiresome. 

"Hey Missy, I'll go. Make sure this rascal pays you fair and square." Sanosuke grinned eyeing me. 

"You're one to talk! I'm going too. That Ugly doesn't know anything." Yahiko retorted. 

Great, just wonderful in fact. Those two would "help". It reminded me of the saying; helping is hurting. I had the feeling I'd be the one hurting. That Sano looked like he wouldn't mind using his fists a bit. 

As we neared the ranch something nagged at me. Something was wrong. Someone was around. Someone who was not supposed to be because they meant harm. 

Stopping my "escorts" and Kaoru I stared with hardened eyes. I simply couldn't allow them to go in when my instincts were on red alert. There didn't seem to be anything amiss. 

"Stay here." I commanded in a serious, no nonsense voice. I would suck it up and play the unworthy one later when it didn't matter. This was deadly business. I didn't think anyone knew I was here besides Aoshi and Saitou. If either wanted to confront me they would do so honestly. 

Darting forward, I thoroughly searched the small house with my gun drawn and nerves on end. The hairs on the back of my neck prickled, but I didn't find the intruder. In fact, everything seemed to be the way it was left. Or at least until I took a closer look at my few possessions. They were neatly arranged, almost exactly the way I left them. However, after the war I had taken to arranging things in very specific order. Someone had moved them. I could tell. 

"It's alright Miss Kaoru." I called out in a cheerful tone and reemerged on the porch. She huffed, but I could tell my actions had really startled her. Sano sauntered over, but stiffened slightly, before relaxing again. So I wasn't the only one. 

"You jerk!" Miss Kaoru screeched truly taking me by surprise for once. I jumped out of my skin and barely missed being smack on the head with a length of wood she had in her hands. Where'd she find that stuff? I could have sworn the yard was clean and plank-free before. 

"Woah there Missy." 

"Don't you start with me you slacker!" Miss Kaoru yelled turning on the unfortunate young man. He didn't seem bothered at all. Even when she crashed the plank over his head and snapped with wood in half. 

My mind was occupied with other things while they fought. Who had broken in and why? I had a hunch they knew who I was. 

It wasn't until we were inside that it was made apparent that something was actually taken. 

Miss Kaoru rushed out of her room in tears. Sano caught her by the shoulders but she jerked away. I felt helpless watching her sob, but wrapping my arms around her wasn't right. She didn't know me. 

"What's wrong Missy?" 

"My- my mother's locket is gone!" She bawled, completely distraught. I wondered why they would take a locket. What sort of importance was a piece of jewelry? Even if it were expensive… unless whoever stole it actually wanted Saitou involved. I liked the looks of this less and less. The wolf had accumulated enemies just as powerful as I myself had and this particular one was after both of us. That meant they were either incredibly foolish or very confident. 

"I'll go get Saitou." Yahiko announced and bolted out the door before I could stop him. Saitou was after all the closest thing to a policeman, although I very much doubt he would appreciate being dragged in for such a petty matter. 

Meanwhile, Miss Kaoru had not stopped in her hysterics. Sano had backed conveniently out the door with some pretense of finding Megumi leaving me alone with the sobbing woman. 

"That… that was my… mother's," hiccup, "And… she's dead…" gasp, "That's all… all I have left." 

"We'll find it Miss Kaoru." I assured her as cheerfully as I could manage. What I wasn't expecting was for her to do a dive bomb onto my chest and latch onto the cloth of my shirt like a distressed toddler seeking comfort. At the risk of being slapped, I carefully wound my arms around her lending support. 

And that was how Saitou and Megumi found us. 

Facts

-Common painkillers in hospitals were chloroform or ether (then again they could just stick a strip of leather in your mouth and amputate your leg with a bone saw ^.^;;) -Common painkillers in small towns were morphine, laudanum, or alcohol (all very addicting substances) -In the 1870s women were just being allowed into male dominated Medical Universities (there were Women Medical Universities at the time, but they were few and all located in the East) -Circumcision started in the US during the 1870s (just thought that was an interesting fact) 

** Author's Note: There you go, Megumi got a bit of spotlight (and don't worry, she'll be getting a lot more in a few chapters). Hey, not only that but an inkling of a plot! W00t. I'm running out of pre-made chapters ;.; so I may not be able to update quite so fast anymore. **

Reviewers: 

**The Weird One2**: Ah yes, the uninspired reviews, I've done a few of those. Unfortunately, as the author I have a duty and obligation to reply to your reply! Mwahaha, as for historical accuracy, I care ^^;; Not too much obviously, but I'd rather not get nailed. I was talking with my mom and she commented that fire ants were still in S. America -.-;; I pointed out duct tape (which she was trying to convince me to add) probably wasn't even invented yet. I'll have to look into that. No story is complete without duct tape! 

**Trupana**: I said romance ^__^;;; Aoshi's a priest with priestly obligations (like I actually know what those are). As far as I know he's not allowed to have relations at the risk of burning in the bowels of hell forever. Eternal damnation, I love that phrase. Meg will get some action, so will Sano, so I hope that makes up for it a bit. I think your suspicions about Hiko-sama and drink and a nine yr old Kenshin-chan involved a bit of gender confusion are well founded O__O Misao scares me. Her perpetual motion and manners make me tired just watching her. Of course, I'm just a lump of anti-energy. What about precocious? That starts with P. Battousai thinks many things, most of them unflattering. Someone may actually end up strangling the girl if she bounces around too much. Hehe, I never thought of them like that. I should have added locusts then, shouldn't I? We got the blood (leeches). I thought about titling it that actually. Ah, so you got that! I don't actually know if hornets are detoured by smoke, or even ciggy smoke, but bees get sleepy with smoke. Just another 'lil bit of useless knowledge' I picked up somewhere. I would pay to actually see Sano attacked by hornets. Oh the woes of being my fav. char. You get picked on ceaselessly! (okay, so y'all now know my fav. character and it's not Kenshin). Really, no pressure, I'm easily amused! But yours really crack me up ^__^ 

**Riverwood**: Doesn't that sound utterly ominious? Clinic time >:) And you haven't seen weird yet. I just wrote a new chapter yesterday evening. That was flat out scary. 

**HarukoNigihayami**: I'm still amazed they are all still alive ^___^ 

**Fyyrrose**: I know you like torture/rape/bondage/etc., but this is pg-13 here (for lang. and sexual implications). Go read my poke fic if you want gore. Or wait for me to work on the vampire/werewolf one (no, I haven't given up). Saitou could back the suckers down without the ciggy *starts laughing* I see someone has it out for him. I thought you didn't like FKB? No bears were harmed in the making of this fic, he didn't die, although he might wish he would. I take excellent care of my animals *smirk* I'm not the one bitting poor Jiffy. G-chan, Crickie, Shadow, Meeks, Leo, Middys, Rainbow, and Nuffie-poops love me! Oh, and HK, although I don't think she knows who I am exactly half the time. 

**MissBehavin**: So do I (so long as I wasn't in the middle of them that is). I think Aoshi will switch to coffee after that. Oh yes, the favored fire ant dance. I can't decide which is worse: stepping in the nest without shoes or with them. The little turds get all stuck in your socks... Oh yes, plenty of experience living in South Carolina. No fire ants in Kansas thank goodness. I've never been stung (not for lack of trying *pokes nest with stick, runs like hell*). I even 'escorted' this big moma sucker (about as long as my pinky finger and as fat as my thumb) out of the garage. That was hilarious because I had a group of cheerleaders urging me on (from behind the plastic screen might I add, cowards). 


	7. Chapter Six: The Bar, Dumbass

**Chapter Six**

"Kindly step away from my cousin." Saitou said, in a deathly cold voice. 

Cousin? Great, another reason for him to want my head. If I stayed much longer we would clash, it was inevitable. 

Trying to back out, I found Miss Kaoru had taken a tighter hold around my middle. Again, I wasn't entirely sure, but I believe it was more to irritate Saitou and had less to do with me. It seemed Saitou was well loved by the womenfolk. 

"This unworthy one was just…" I started to plead my case, but Saitou was already stalking around the room like a wolf with his hackles up. His keen golden eyes were moving methodically around the room picking up details I'm sure. 

"So you had a break in Raccoon?" 

I was really confused. There were no raccoons here. Were there? 

Miss Kaoru, apparently, wasn't so confused. Her face turned bright red and she advanced on the nosy wolf. He didn't so much as flick a glance her way. Foolish, in my opinion. I fully expected a plank to pop up and watch her whale the stuffing out of him. 

'Damn, I was hoping to see some entertainment.' Battousai snickered. I shushed him, still on the look out for raccoon. Although they were small; they did carry rabies. One could never be too careful! 

"They didn't take anything but my mother's locket." Miss Kaoru snarled, apparently not liking him to be snooping around her home, cousin or not. 

"Why should this matter concern me?" Saitou asked, his face blank. I could tell he was being sadistic again. Teasing Miss Kaoru like she was a mindless kitten. I started to step forward to intervene, but she beat me to it. 

"Get the hell out of my house! I don't want to see you until you decide to be useful! Honestly, Sanosuke is better! And I'm telling Tokio too." Miss Kaoru raged and even Saitou had the sense of mind to step back. I think he even flinched when she mentioned Missus Tokio. 

The wolf beat a hasty retreat, but I knew that he had sensed the same thing I had. Well, shoot, even Sano had. He would be lurking, and I use that term literally, around. 

It worried and puzzled me at the same time, but I really should have been paying attention because I got attacked from behind. 

A rather soft weight smashed into me from behind and I could feel hot breathe on my earlobe, "Sir Ken, it must have been so awful! Are you hurt?" 

Miss Kaoru made a sound. I think it was a growl, but it came out more like some kind of dying animal. She didn't physically assault Miss Megumi however. 

'She just likes picking on the weak.' Battousai noted and I scowled. Did he have a sarcastic observation for everything? Could you actually sew your alter ego's mouth shut if you wanted it badly enough? 

"Why Sir Ken, you are talking to yourself!" The weight shifted and I clattered to the ground gracelessly. Sometimes playing the klutz hurt. A lot. What kind of wood was this floor made of anyway? "I have just the medication for you! You should come with me to the clinic." 

"He's not going anywh-" 

"Hey, Foxy…" Sano trailed off and the queerest look crossed his face. Then there was this sinking feeling in my gut. I really was wishing I was gay. 

"Yes rooster head?" Miss Megumi asked, disentangling herself from me. I skittered away out of range of the two very hostile forces in the room. Both seemed to be lusting after my blood. Or at least to spill a bit of it. I was really wishing Saitou were back. Nothing killed sexual tension like that man. 

"I- er, was just going to say that I put your stuff back for you." He stuttered, suddenly at a loss. He scuffed a foot. Wait, he did something… for free? Out of the goodness of his heart. 

"You what?" Miss Megumi's eyes flew wide and she abruptly became a mini-force of nature. I was glad for the space between us. She grabbed Sano's large forearm and dragged him out, berating him. I didn't hear all of it. Thankfully. Just words like 'how could you', 'you couldn't organize a flea circus', and 'idiot rooster head'. 

"I think he likes that witch." Miss Kaoru sniffed. I could tell she was still miffed about earlier, although I didn't know why. Didn't she know I wasn't interested in Miss Megumi? 

The rest of the day was uneventful. At least it was until Miss Kaoru realized that my money had been stolen. Suddenly, I was up to my elbows in soapy water. 

Battousai eyed me from a safe distance, 'Such manly pursuits.' I ignored him and scrubbed harder. Any idiot could wield a gun, it took guts to tangle with dirty clothing. 

"Ah, Missy's got you working already." 

Speak of the obnoxious. Didn't that man have a job or something? Oh, forgot, it was Sabbath. Wait, did he have a job anyway? 

"Miss Kaoru was very gracious in allowing me to work off my debt." I replied, frustrated at the delay. I was never getting out of here! 

"Well, do you think she'll let you off your chain long enough to have some fun tonight?" Sano drawled and I turned to look at him. He looked none the worse for wear despite his earlier fight with Miss Megumi. Then again, he could be likened to a tank if one considered it. Did anything stop the man? 

'Take him up on his offer. You could use a drink.' Battousai urged. I knew why he wanted me to go. I tended to… get a bit tipsy. He was hoping I'd loosen my self-made prison over him if I did. 

"Kenshin, I'm making dinner." Kaoru called out the back door. She had her long hair pulled back with a lovely violet ribbon and a cheery expression of happiness on her face. How can the bringer of indigestion be so beautiful? 

"Hey Missy!" Sano bellowed, "Can little Kenshin come out and play tonight?" 

Kaoru eyed him before deciding that he had, indeed, besmirched her honor in insinuating such a thing. What that thing was I'm not quite sure. Was Sano saying she liked me? Dang, why was this so hard? I should have run away when I first saw Saitou standing on the platform. 

'Yes, curse your stupidity.' 

Eat soap bubbles. 

"Why are you asking me?" Kaoru snarled, turning her wrath on the unfortunate young man. He shrugged. "Seems like you and Kenshin are getting along well enough. Kind of like a married couple or something. And if that logic follows you're going to limit his fun in every way you can. Just like any other woman." 

"Sano, I do not think that Miss Kaoru is very happy with you, that I do not." I warned, too late. Buckshot rang out at us. Sano yelped and tried to hide behind me. Well, that's just ridicules. He's what at least a foot taller than I am and twice as wide. 

Seeming to realize this he ditched me as a shield and started retreating across the yard finding cover behind anything and everything. Suddenly, I could see advantages to being small. The last of him flashed out. I think he actually called something over his shoulder, but Miss Kaoru chose that exact moment to shoot, so I'm not quite sure. 

"Will he be okay?" I asked Miss Kaoru, wiping off my wet hands and watching her hang the gun back above the door. 

"He'll just go limping to Megumi." She growled, "He always does." 

So they were together? I'm confused. 

'Dimwit.' Speak for yourself, I snarled back. 

Dinner was actually decent. Apparently Miss Kaoru was much better with potatoes than eggs. The peels actually made a nice contrast to the lumpy chunks. The peas were overcooked, but that just made me think of home, where everything green was made into mush. A wave of homesickness washed over me… or was it that first bite of steak catching up with me? 

"You can go if you want." Miss Kaoru said suddenly putting her fork down. I looked at her quizzically, "Honestly Kenshin, I don't mind a bit." 

Mind… what? What in the world was she talking about? 

'The bar dumbass.' 

Thank you my other half. You're so helpful and generous. He glowered at me and I was tempted to shrink his cage. 

"This unworthy one will not go if you do not wish me to." I announced, hoping and pleading that she would take the hint. The thoughts of Sano and the bar together tended to bring of life scarring memories. I shuddered. 

Unfortunately, she seemed to be bent on proving the point that she was not my keeper. "So go already! I'll even do the dishes. Enjoy yourself, go!" 

Before I could protest I was propelled out the door and it was slammed behind me. I stood dumbly on the porch before realizing that the clicking sound was the bolt being locked behind me. Well, I could sit out on the porch like a kicked dog until she decided to let me back in or I could go to the bar. Choices, choices. 

"Hey Kenshin." Yahiko hailed and I cringed. I hoped he assumed I was out watching the stars and thinking or something. He came up and sat besides me, "I heard Ugly made you do the laundry. Tough break, but she's cruel like that." He raised his voice and I heard scuffling noises on the other side of the door, "Anyway, Sano sent me to bring you to the bar. He said, well, a lot of stuff. I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention. Basically, that you needed to loosen up." 

'Yes.' My alter ego hissed and I shot him an annoyed look. He was starting to freak me out. One would think he actually wanted to go back where we'd gotten felt up and attacked by those two 'ladies'. 

We walked quietly though the mostly silent town, "So how do you know Sano?" 

"That dummy is my brother." Yahiko snorted, "He's got issues in case you couldn't tell." 

That's brotherly love for you. 

We entered the bar. I was hit with the light, sounds, and smells. Well, mostly the smells. Unwashed male bodies covered with sweat, drink, and mine dust, among other things. Raw alcohol hung heavy in the air and I almost gagged. The smell of whisky tended to make me think of my Master. 

Someone was happily banging away on the piano while Kamatari and Yumi fought over the stage. Mostly that consisted of shoving and yelling. I really, really hoped they wouldn't see me. 

Yahiko spotted Sano deeply immersed in a shady looking poker game. Why wasn't I surprised? Before I could retreat to the actual bar Sano beckoned me over. I took a brief glance at his hand and winced. That was sad. I didn't know much about poker, but I was fairly sure that he was going to lose. 

"Hey Kenshin," He looked up then ruffled Yahiko's spiky hair good-natured. The kid squirmed, got loose, and promptly started chewing on his old brother's head. I skirted around that and gingerly sat in what I thought was a safe chair. The back of my Levis say otherwise. I just hoped it would dry before I went back to Miss Kaoru's. "Could you spot me some cash? 

'Don't.' 

"This unworthy one is sorry, but he does not have any money on him, that he does not." I said in a neutral tone. Mentally I was thanking my lucky stars. I was a sucker about lending money. Battousai called me Mr. Banker for awhile while we traveled with a small wagon train over a mountain pass. 

"Katsu?" Sano pleaded and the young man, whom I recognized to be our stagecoach driver, shook his head with a loose smile. "Damn it! Well, I fold then. Let's get some drinks!" 

Why did that scare me? 

"Hey, you still owe some money, so pay up!" One of the poker men growled dangerously. He was easily three times my size and even larger than Sano. He stood up and towered over us menousingly. Sano wasn't intimidated in the slightest. A rakish grin crossed his features and he cracked his knuckles in anticipation. 

"Now buddy…" Katsu started, but before he could convince Sano to back off, a figure went flying through the air crashing down on the table. The players scattered back upsetting other tables as they went. 

Within seconds the place was in a total uproar with fists flying and chairs breaking. The bartender had sought shelter behind the long wooden bar. I was tempted to go back there myself. 

Kamatari, the flying body that started the whole thing, shook his head and growled, "That wasn't very nice Yumi. One would almost think you were a man with that kind of strength!" 

Yumi, however, had disappeared the moment the brawl began. Someone took a swing at me and I slid to the side. Battousai howled like a banshee, wait, could guys be banshees? Anyway, he was nosy and wanting out. Even if it was a lowly bar brawl. Sano and Katsu had taken to busting heads, namely those belong to their former poker buddies. 

It wasn't until Miss Misao popped up in the middle of it that I felt the need to get involved. Unfortunately, so did Battousai. 

My hands wrapped around the cold, iron bars in disbelief. He'd tricked me again! Do you know how embaressing it is to be tricked by your murderous alter ego? Oh, bad Battousai, bad! He was going to get it. Why, I'd lock him up so… Wait, what was he doing to those poor men? 

Our hands shot out and grabbed the original poker guy by his long, uncut hair. He tangled our fingers in the greasy locks and heaved. The man let out a growl tumbling backwards toward the floor. A nail head stuck out of the floor. Swiftly Battousai wrapped the locks around the protruding metal so the man couldn't get up without scalping himself, before moving to his next target. I could tell he was having too much fun now if he wasn't killing. 

Someone came in from behind thinking they would get a hit in with a broken chair leg. With one swift, fluid motion the chair leg had changed hands, and Battousai had slammed it through the man's foot. 

"You stay and be good now." He growled, pleased. He gave a kick to the man's side for good measure. 

A light form bumped into us and he almost knocked Miss Misao unconscious. He diverted his swing at the last moment brilliantly taking out the man behind her. She blinked before jumping back into the middle of the brutal mass swinging what looked like throwing knives. 

One stupid guy made a grab for our hidden gun. Within seconds there was a neat hole in his hand. Battousai smirked, "Guns aren't for children. Shouldn't a little boy like you be in bed? I bet your mommy's worried." 

Oh yes, he was certainly enjoying this. 

The battle had been pitched and was full blown when a darken shadow descended. 

Battousai uttered a low, primal growl and I slapped my face in a hopeless gesture. Could it get any worse than this? 

Saitou and Lobo stood in the just beyond the swinging doors with an identical look of distaste, lurking in golden eyes and sharp faces. The giant gray wolf moved first knocking a random man clean off his feet. He moved through the surprised fighters like a gray whirlwind dishing out blows from his teeth and claws. Saitou was no less effective. The two paused as if suddenly realizing that they were, indeed, working together as a team. 

In that split second Battousai managed to finger his gun with revenge in mind. Luckily for Lobo, Sano happened to stumble back. Battousai flash out of the way and efficiently knocked the young drunk silly with clenched fists. 

Before he could recover cold steel was pressed against the back of our neck. Saitou practically radiated smugness. Battousai, seeing the sticky situation, did the only thing he could do. Evict me from the cage and took up residency leaving me, once again, to clean up his mess. How childish. 

"Causing trouble?" Saitou sneered, cocking his gun, and I gulped. He directed me against the wall leaving Lobo to "watch" me as he rounded up the rest of the "trouble makers". The wolf eyed me blankly and I wondered why he was listening to Saitou. Hadn't the man remarked that Missus Tokio's creatures only obeyed her? 

'Not your problem.' Battousai remarked, and I rattled his cage reminding him that Lobo helped capture us. 

What is Miss Kaoru going to think? I despaired and Battousai rolled his eyes perfectly happy with the mess he left me. 

**Random Facts**

- Opium was introduced in the 1870s with all the chinese immigrants (who picked up the practice of smoking it from the British, while they were messing around with India). It was also used for medicenal purposes. Cocaine also was introduced around that time, running a similar course. (ever wonder where the 'coke' in coca-cola came from? *grin*). 

-The church would have frowned on the bar (for obvious reasons; alcohol and prostitution). 

-Beer was brought over from England and became a staple part of the early American diet. In the last 1800s they even tried to promote it's use for economic and social reasons. It wasn't until later that people started to oppose alcohol. 

-In the early 1870s poker made history, becoming a game played in a world championship. 

-**Timber Wolf/Grey Wolf** (_Canis lupus_): Males can weight up to 175 lbs and their jaw strength is 1,500 pounds of pressure per square inch (say good bye to your femur *thigh bone* baby if Lobo decides to crunch you ;) ). They also can move at 25-35 mph for short bursts. 

Reviewers:

**The Weird One2**: I'm sure Aoshi will forgive you your sins, and you are helping me, reviews give me encouragement and confidence! I'm glad. There, unfortunately, is stupidity everywhere (I get sick of it), but it's a lot more fun to pretend. Medicene was completely evil back then, but I figured you all wanted the contents of your stomachs. And I couldn't make Meg so brutal ^^;; 

**MissBehavin**: She really couldn't do anything about internal injuries, they didn't have the technology. You got painkillers and you either got better, or died. Oh yes, you'll find out soon enough. But it may not be who you think. *smacks self* I'll be quiet now. 

**Wistful-Eyes**: I had to have a real insentive for her to keep Kenshin around (because she obviously already has Saitou, Sano, and Yahiko; she's not ostrized from the people of the town). Glad you liked that part. I'm so mean to poor Kenshin. And Sano too, but mostly Kenshin. 

**Fyyrrose**: I always pick on him. He bounces back so easily, ready for more abuse. That image was distrubing O.O You're off the drink, remember? Well, I hope she was in character. She's so hard to do sometimes *sigh*. I think I'd give you a bone saw the day I'd give Katsu a modern bomb. Yes well, Kaoru is now in a sense my character so she's safe from me. My personal rule is that I can't like/dislike any character more than the other. So I can beat and torture them all equally *smirk*. I bit people too O.o;; And now it's like 'ewww'. I put my mouth on their skin? How 'bout Aoshi with a ponytail? Hehe. FKB is too easy to pick on too. You know what? I realized I've not been nice to him in any of my fics O__O;; 

**Nigihayami Haruko**: I think I managed pretty much everybody. It took some plot- er planning. People like Meg and Saitou were easy: doctor and sherriff. Aoshi was hard, thank fyyrrose for his placement. There are only a couple more characters left to introduce. How could I leave out Kaoru's violent tendencies? They make the girl ^__^ Thank you for such high praise! 


	8. Chapter Seven:We're In The Jailhouse Now

_Best read if listening to 'We are in the Jailhouse Now' by the Soggybottom Boys ^__^ the original inspiration for this pretty pickle the cast lands in_

**Chapter Seven: We're in the Jailhouse Now**

We all trooped into the jailhouse a sorry mess of drunken sods. Well, I wasn't drunk, but Saitou decided it would be fun to bring me along. Jerk. Okay, so Battousai did quite a bit of damage. Once again, he leaves me to clean up his mess. For once couldn't he just stick it out? The sadistic bastard. Thriving off making my life a misery like that. 

"'Ey, old man, why ya- why ya lockin' us up?" Sano slurred. He sported a few minor cuts and the beginnings of what looked to be a fabulous shiner. 

"Because, Moron," Saitou said perfectly annunciating, and slow like speaking to a two year old, "You were in the middle of a bar fight. I think it should be perfectly obvious why you and your friends are here." 

"I don't see why I'm here!" Miss Misao shouted, red faced. Lobo growled and she growled back. I wondered if she was either suicidal or really was so livid that she just didn't care. I also wondered how long it would take for her to really tick the wolf off. "All I did was go in for a drink. I can't help it if some perverted guys were hitting on me. A girl's got to defend herself!" 

Saitou lit a cigarette and blew smoke into the night's air with a look of utter boredom. She didn't impress him much obviously. Fueling the fire. Apparently Miss Misao did not like to be ignored, which struck me as odd, because obviously Aoshi treated her like that all the time. Ah, the twists and turns of human emotions lead to the ridicules. 

"Does defending oneself cover your attempted castration?" Saitou asked causally and the rest of the company, myself included, blanched. Superstitiously, my hands drifted down to cover that area protectively. He was going to lock us up with her? 

"You're going to make sure that she's knife-less when we go in the cell right?" Katsu asked, worried. His long, black hair was flopping everywhere, but other that than he didn't seem drunk. Almost sane even. 

Saitou didn't answer merely shoved us into the small building. Two man rose to their feet and eyed us from the other side of the metal bars. 

"Pete, Rick, I was wondering where you guys went. You weren't in church today you know!" I had the feeling that church was a very important thing to Miss Misao. I also got this sinking feeling in my gut that those guys weren't in church because they had been in jail. That made me wonder about the lack of management. 

"I forgot about you two lack wits." Saitou growled, his golden eyes flashing. Something made me think that 'forgetting' and forgetting weren't exactly the same thing. Just a hunch. Saitou turned the keys and flicked the gate open smoothly, "You are free to leave. Try not to be so stupid next time." 

"You shit, we've been in there for a week!" 

"Yes, and you are lucky my wife is a kind hearted woman." 

"Oro!" 

The two very irate miners stomped out giving Saitou blaring death glares and rude gestures. The lean man ignored them entirely, flicking some ash off his stick. He ushered us in and ceremoniously slammed the iron behind us. There was an air of intense satisfaction about him and he looked at me, pleased. I covered my eyes with my bangs willing myself not to glare back. 

Battousai, taking his look as a challenge, started to growl and froth. He paced knowing I wouldn't let my guard slip, although for that man I might make an exception. He was infuriating. I could see why Missus Tokio could be unhappy. He could try the patience of a saint. 

"I will return to let you trouble makers out in the morning when you sober up." He commented lingering to gloat. 

"What!" Miss Misao shrieked making her cell mates cringe. An angry young woman with knives tended not to make the best people to share, well, anything with. "But," She started to keen, "I have to be there to give Father Aoshi his tea!" 

"I don't think that man could even look at tea after earlier." Katsu commented, amused, under his breath. I agreed. As much as the man creeped me out, no guy deserved that fate. 

"You heard me Weasel. And that's if someone makes bail for your sorry hide." 

Bail? What was this about bail? 

"Donna listen ta him. He's shittin' ya 'sall." Sano slurred. His form was already sprawled in what looked to be an incredibly uncomfortable position on the rock hard bed. The only one in the cell might I add. "He hasta let us out or Tokio will. Whewee, I thought me 'n' the fox could fight. Nufin' on them." 

"Moron, I trust you to keep your trap shut about my personal affairs." Saitou not quite snarled and Lobo looked on with sudden interest. 

"Why. It ain' like it ain' common knowledge!" Sano proclaimed triumphantly. "The 'hole town knows that ya 'n' the lady ain' gettin' 'long right." 

There was the cold silence as he stared at Katsu, then Misao in turn. Both of them had the presence of mind not to mess with the incredibly volatile man. Kamatari, who had been remarkable silent before now, met his stare with a slow smile. Now, as far as I know he wasn't drunk. 

"Honey, you know, if you treated the woman a bit better I bet she wouldn't mind warming your bed every now and again." 

Rather than shoot the she-man dead between the eyes Saitou took on an almost thoughtful quality. I could see something behind those narrow eyes. Then he turned, "I hope someone will retrieve you idiots tomorrow. I don't like trash in my jail." 

"Trash?" Misao snarled, "Come back and I'll show you who's trash!" 

The door slammed in answering and only a low light was given off from the lantern by the door. I looked around at my cellmates with reserves and once again bemoaned my fate. Someone up above must be out to get me. 

'No, you are just such a wimp you let yourself get into these situations.' Battousai grinned, 'Don't blame others for your fate. Men make their own fate: good or evil.' 

That was very profound. 

I tossed some ice-cold water at him. He sputtered and glared with deadly amber eyes. Ah, so I struck a cord. Well, forgive me if I didn't cry a river at his cold, drenched, shivering form. 

"Let's play a game." Miss Misao suggested looking around. I seated myself against the opposing wall hoping they would say no. They seemed like their game would be poker, or how many scotches until I'm so drunk I can't see or speak or move. She glanced over me, "C'mon Himura, I know you're sober." 

Oh how I wish it weren't so. 

"This unworthy one is tired, that he is. Perhaps another time Miss Misao." I replied closing my eyes. Suddenly there was this presence. I snapped my eyes open to meet a brilliant pair of emeralds a couple of inches from my own soft purple ones. With a startled 'oro' and a fake show of surprise I fell over. Actually, the floor wasn't too cold. I might actually get some sleep if a certain hyper young woman would leave me alone. 

"So whatcha wanna play then weasel gal?" Sano leered and I was suddenly made aware of the fact that she was the only female among us. With two drop dead drunk males and one not-so-sane he-she. I don't think a thought crossed the young woman's mind about it. Then again, she had been around a lot longer than I had. She knew them, they knew her… and this was getting a bit too creative for me. I cut off that thought right there. 

Kamatari had this amused smirk and speculative gleam. I didn't want to know, I really didn't. 

"I know, since we don't have any cards, we can play I Spy." 

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but what kind of name is I Spy? As a child I hadn't played much. Before my parents died of cholera, I had worked on our small backwater acreage. I was too young back then to understand much. When they died I lived with some relatives. Ones who were in risky situations with the Underground Railroad. Their farm was raided and burned, my relatives murdered right before my eyes. That was the first time I met Master. 

"Himura!" Miss Misao complained, breaking me from the memories. 

"What are you smiling at?" Kamatari asked. 

"This unworthy one was not thinking of anything particular." My childhood should have bothered me, but I recalled when Master found me. If anything, I was smiling for the man. I'd not seen him since I ran away at age fifteen. 

"Sure sugar." 

"I spy with my little eye something red." 

"Himura's hair." Katsu suggested. 

"Saitou's face when Sanosuke made his comments." Kamatari added. 

"That wass kinda funny, wassin it?" Sano grinned and I noticed his red headband. Well, it's not like there are a lot of red things unless you count the dried bloodstain on the wall next to me. 

"Sano's headband." 

"Wow, you spoke normally!" Misao yelped happily, totally ignoring my guess. She twirled slightly and pointed, "It was Sano's headband!" 

'Do you think she got enough love as a child?' 

"My tur'." Sano said, his glassy eyes roving around slightly. They landed on Misao and he said with a rakish grin, "I spy with my little eye a furry rodent." 

Where? What rodent? Was it a rat, I hated rats! With their beady little eyes and bald little tails. A shudder rippled through me. I could face down psychopaths without batting an eye, deal with killer wolves with ease, but the thought… eww! 

'What's that!' 

I jumped and saw nothing. Battousai started chucking with maniacal glee. 

"I'm going to plunk you and skin you, you rooster head!" Misao howled materializing a pair of sharp looking knives. Katsu, who had been sitting next to the young man, scrambled frantically over to where Kamatari and I had pressed against the other cell wall. 

Sano, oblivious to the world and on the verge of passing out, continued blithely on, "She's got som' temper ther', but I like that. When she's bein' all happy and perky she's like a perty forest sprite o' somethin'. And when she blushes, that's so cute 'n' all…" 

Misao paused in mid-leap, knives extended, before gracefully diverting her course next to him and stashing the knives out of harms way. 

When he pitched forward and landed straight on her chest she really regretted that action dearly. After being inflicted with Sano's wandering hands I still couldn't imagine having the man's face in my chest. Okay, I'm scaring myself. Sick. 

With an unearthly shriek, she shoved the man off her front. He literally flew backwards before knocking into the wall behind him. Slowly his body slithered into a boneless heap at the girl's feet. 

"Heh, I never thought he'd actually say that out loud." Katsu remarked fiddling with something in the corner. I cast a suspicious eye towards the man. What was he doing now? He didn't strike me as the type to sit idle. 

"What are you doing now?" Misao growled, but I could see a faint blush on her cheeks. She had taken up on the now vacant bed with her legs tucked against her chest and her arms around them. Her chin rested on her knees, but she didn't so much as glance at the man she'd sent crashing to the ground. Her sharp eyes rested on Katsu and she flicked her braid back. 

I slid over to Sano. He was breathing deeply. Good lord, he was asleep! He must be like a bull or something. Or maybe he was in a coma? There wasn't any blood or anything. He just was sleeping, I hoped anyway. 

"Nothing much." 

"You know you're not allowed near explosives after last time." Misao chided closing her eyes sleepily. 

Last… time…? 

"You are making this unworthy one nervous, that you are!" I sputtered catching sight of the distinct black label and a skull on the rust brown wrapper. He gave an unnerving grin and held up the long cylinder for me to see. Short of shooting him, I couldn't think what to do. Psychobabble didn't work on drunks, believe me, I tried it on Master plenty of times. 

"Just a little spark." Katsu chanted playing with a few matches. He'd strike them up before letting them burn down to his fingers. He cast away the blackened stubs carelessly. Soon they littered the floor around him and he was down to the last one. He fingered that one with reverence and I desperately looked for an escape. This was insane! He was insane! He was drunker than he looked, and mentally off his rocker to boot. He struck it and eyed the flame with glittering black orbs. An unstable smile crossed his face and he remarked offhand, "You know what? It's been fun and all, but I really think I'm sick of being in jail now. You all have been wonderful, couldn't ask for better cellmates. I've always thought this building was ugly and useless anyway." 

'Do it, do it, do it!' 

I jumped forward to extinguish the flame when Katsu made a swift flicking motion with his wrist. Closing my eyes I waited for the sensation of being torn apart to over take me. Nothing happened. Soft chuckling made me take a peek. Katsu was leaning against the wall with his head bowed. 

Kamatari was snickering lowly from the other side of me, "He really had you going there honey. He likes to psych people out like that. Well, after the amount of rye he's had this evening it's no wonder he passed out." 

My heart was pounding in my ears and my brain barely processed what I'd been told. The bastard, he gave me a heart attack! 

'Let me teach him a lesson!' Battousai urged railing at the bars. He started pacing before settling back down with a highly amused look. 'You are so gullible.' 

"So how about we finish what was started yesterday evening?" Kamatari purred and I skittered back, "There's no yucky Yumi here to interfere." 

"I don't have money." I blurted. 

The she-he looked me up and down appraisingly. "I don't want any money. I see if you are scared enough you stop all that unworthy one nonsense. I like it." 

How to put this bluntly? "I like women." 

'That's not what you said before.' 

"But, sweety, I am a woman." 

I stumbled back over Sano who rolled over and groaned. What to say, what to say? How to be polite? 

"This unworthy one thinks that nature says otherwise." 

"I'll show you nature." He promised. My violet eyes looked past him-her. A big, ugly, hairy, hideous rat was sitting there looking at me with black bead eyes. Scared witless I thrashed out heedlessly smashing Kamatari away for me. Taken by surprise at my sudden, violent action he went backwards dashing himself against the bars. With a soft moan of pain his eyes rolled back in his head and he sunk to the floor out cold. 

'Good shot!' 

This unworthy one didn't mean to hurt him! I half argued, half pleaded. There was a rat. As if I needed to explain. The whole time my eyes were locked on the large, brown rodent. Its coat gleamed in the lamplight and the beads twinkled. Unconcerned, the tiny beast began to clean its whiskers with little clawed hands. 

'So what are you going to do about that?' Battousai asked seriously. He watched me with those eerie, amber eyes and an emotionless face. 

"You kill it." I whimpered under my breath. 

**A/N**: *cowers* I almost didn't post this. Sorry, no facts today, I didn't feel like it. I'll dig some up for next time ^.-- I've been working hard on my new story (33 pages in 3 days hard). Don't worry! I'm not going to stop this one or anything, I still have one more premade chapter (*growls* it would be and a half if the bloody thing hadn't crashed *fumes*). This is probably about halfway done, maybe a little bit more (still fuzzy on the ending). I had WAY too much fun writing this chapter. 

Reviewers:

Houndingwolf: *bows deeply* I take that as a compliment. Just another off the wall idea from the slightly tipsy mind of myself. Oh yes, poor Sessha >=] Okay, I don't feel sorry for him in the least, but I'm pretending to be nice... -.-;; ... did it work? 

Nigihayami Haruko: He'll get some more screen time. We all love the golden eyed freak *grin*(and fyyrrose threatened me if I didn't let him have some fun O__O;;) 

MissBehavin: *bemused expression* For the sole purpose of humor I have made a characiture of all the characters. Megumi is just an easy target for that. I took the most noticable thing about her mannerism and blew it way out of proportion ^^;; I actually do like her! Er... well, more than Kaoru and Misao anyway. I really liked Tomoe *ducks as sharp objects wizz by* O.o No one else seems to! Kaoru's fun, hehe. 

Fyyrrose: (:| =] You rant at 3 am. 

The Weird One2: First off: Don't listen to anything Fyyrose says! She is really a void kitsune wanting to steal your yang! I'm the poor abused one here, listening to her so often! Your reviews do help! Moral support, mwahaha. Fuel to the fire that is my mind. Burning brightly. Tell me about it, I was reading about medicene in the civil war. *hack* The leg just had to go, sorry. What's that? Choroform, morphine, oh no my dear boy, you're in war shock, you don't need them >. 


	9. Chapter Eight: Aftermath

Chapter Eight: Aftermath

I awoke the next morning bright and early, as was my habit when I slept on cold, incredibly uncomfortable floors. My muscles screamed in protest as I tried to uncurl from the little ball I had forced my body into when trying to get as far away from the rat as I could. A quick glance around revealed the plague-carrying monster was gone. Maybe it knew Saitou would return. 

The door creaked open and Yahiko sauntered in. He paused to look at the multi-assorted group cluttering the single cell. Reflexively I lowered my bangs over my eyes to watch him. Old habits died hard. Then again, I slept in a cell filled with psychotic towns people. Where's the sense in that? 

Yahiko's eyes fell to his brother first and I followed his gaze. Misao had toppled off the bed and was now using Sano like a full body pillow. The man himself was flat on his stomach with limbs spread-eagle. His hair was all over the place and a bit of drool dribbled into the large puddle beneath his face. A slight, raspy grunt rumbled in his throat before fading away. Apparently, having a young girl laying full length on his back was no problem. 

A slightly perverted smirk crossed his tanned face. Oh well, he was a pre-teenage boy. Not that it was an excuse, but I bet his hormones must be kicking in about now. His dark brown eyes roamed across to the corner where I had managed to prop myself up. His brows furrowed, considering. Then I swear he grew horns and mouthed the word's Ugly's boyfriend. 

'Like you could ever get a woman.' Battousai snorted as I blushed internally. 

His gaze wandered to the other two occupants. Katsu and Kamatari were one mess of limbs. It looked like Katsu was also being used as a pillow with Kamatari propped gently against his lean chest. Katsu's arms were loosely tucked around the other man's middle and Kamatari's head was lolled against his shoulder. Their legs were in a jumble. All in all it was cute… and disturbing. 

Apparently Yahiko thought so too. He screamed. 

'Like a girl.' 

A lot of things happened at once after that. 

Saitou walked in with Missus Tokio. Both of them looked startled for a split second at the boy's scream before Saitou sneered and Tokio blinked. They paused in the doorway, but Lobo prowled in, his sharp eyes flicking around. 

Misao, not sleeping off a killer hang over, bounced up with knives ready. Unfortunately for Sano, that placed both her heels digging sharply in his lower back. With a pained grunt, the semi-conscious young man started to turn over causing Misao to lose her balance. With an ear-piercing shriek she flailed wildly before tipping over. Before I could so much as twitch, Sano had moved with surprising speed and steadied her. I doubt he was even half awake, but his drowsy mind was acting instinctively. It made me wonder if Aoshi's comment in the confessional might actually have some merit to it. 

Lastly, the original offending pair stirred. Well, Kamatari did. He opened his eyes slowly and yawned. Not even noticing his 'pillow' he stretched cat-like and eyed everyone with lidded orbs lazily. He raised an eyebrow slightly in question. Soundlessly, Misao pointed behind him. He turned around and smiled. 

"Well, no wonder I slept so well!" 

"You… you freak!" Yahiko accused with pointed finger. Kamatari ignored him and set about standing up with the same fluid grace he had stretched with. 

"Was I that drunk?" Sano rumbled. Misao realized that when he steadied her he had yet to remove his hands from her thighs. Without hesitation she swatted them with the flats of her blades. He yelped and retracted them causing her to stumble. She sat down. Hard. Right on Sano's chest. He wheezed, "Falling for me already?" That earned a punch in the head. I winced. 

"You… you…" Yahiko sputtered like a broken record. 

Kamatari looked him over, "Quite the little homophobic aren't you?" 

Apparently this was getting nowhere fast. I distinctly remember dashing the cross dresser against the bars and Katsu being very drunk. How did they end up like that? Unless… I shuddered slightly. I hoped not. Well, we'd find out. Katsu groaned and rolled his eyes around. 

"What were you doing sleeping with him?" Yahiko demanded wildly. A thunderous scowl was on his young face and his finger was pointed in the direction of Katsu. 

The man in question groaned groggily, "You could people keep it down? I have a killer hangover headache here." There was a brief pause, "Sleep with who?" 

"You and Kamatari were a bit close there buddy." Sano smirked. Misao had retreated next to me. I suppose she found me to be the only safe one. I, however, was not so sure I wanted the young woman to be next to me. She tended to be excitable. And when disturbed out came those sharp, metal knives. Accidents happen you know. 

Katsu jumped like he had been lit on fire. Within seconds he was on his feet, clothing wrinkled and hair mussed, but very much awake. His eyes were blazing and he fixed them on the cross dresser who was humming and fixing his hair. 

"What are they talking about?" He growled in a low voice. 

Kamatari didn't bother to turn around, but I could hear the playful enjoyment in his voice at the situation. Judging Katsu's reaction what had happened wasn't on purpose and it scared the hell out of the man. Then again, not many wanted to be branded homosexual. A reputation like that could ruin a man. His fists clenched and his jaw was set. 

"You grabbed me hon.," Kamatari explained slowly. "Kenny-boy knocked me a good one and when I came to, I tried to get across you. Apparently you missed your teddy bear because you snatched me right up. Well, why not? I'm so cuddly and huggable. I did try to extract myself, but alas, I was stuck tight. My, you have a nice body." 

That snapped the cables to sanity. Within seconds the black hair man whipped out a small, smoking bomb in each hand. He expertly flicked his wrists sending them one after another at the startled he-she. Kamatari twisted away, once again reminding me of a cat, a very smug one. 

We all held out breath as the twin missiles hurtled through the widely spaced iron bars, straight at Saitou and Tokio. The man moved with lightning speed stepping in front of his wife and battling them away with grim determination. He shot a bone-chilling glare at the shooter and the dodger. Burning eyes that promised retribution. Missus Tokio's face did a quick slideshow: surprise, pride, respect, and then pleasure. She settled on a faint smile. 

We weren't smiling. When he flicked the bombs away they started rolling back towards us with very short fuses. Misao fidgeted nervously, trying to decide what to do. I edged away waiting for steel to fly. Just like the previous evening I had no idea how to disarm an already lit explosive. I dealt with people. People and guns. Not vengeful pyromaniacs with dynamite stashed up their sleeves. 

There was a thump and some loud snoring. Momentarily distracted, my eyes flicked over to see Sano sprawled out on the floor without a conscious thought or care. Misao made a small noise and darted over trying to wake him up. 

"Rooster head, you get up right now!" She screamed in frustrated fury, not bothering to hide her panic. She thumped his head on the ground as she shook his shirtfront soundly. He grabbed her wrist and mumbled, still asleep, "Just five more minutes." 

Meanwhile, Katsu was casually leaning against the well watching with satisfied eyes as the two rolled towards the not-so-calm Kamatari. The cross dresser's doe colored eyes were wide with horror. They were fixated on the twin cylinders of destruction that had slid into the cell and bumped against the far wall. He implored Saitou, Tokio, and Yahiko, "Let us out before we all blow up!" 

The former two seemed to be in a discussion and the boy was frozen with fear. What a way to go. Blown to bits. And I didn't even get to see Miss Kaoru one last time… wait, where did that come from? 

Before I had time to even consider it there was a low noise. Smoke, dust, and shrapnel billowed everywhere. My ears were ringing and the force knocked me to the right, away from Kamatari and Katsu. I landed with a painful thump onto of something soft. Well, it was soft until it decided to stab me. 

"This unworthy one is very, very sorry Miss Misao. I did no mean to land on you, that I did not." I apologized automatically before it registered that I was still alive. 

"We're… we're alive." Miss Misao started out whispering, but ended up shouting. She bounced around in a happy jig. Sano looked around and coughed on the lung clogging dust. 

'I bet Saitou did that to kill us.' 

I didn't bother to reply. I think the wolf rather not have me point out that he saved his wife in front of some of the biggest blabber mouths in town. It was kind of like knowing to keep my mouth shut about his cooking. However, I was glad that he really did care for Missus Tokio, and I think she was too. 

"Uh." Kamatari's voice sounded from within the deepest part of the smoke cloud. When it cleared I could see he was leaning heavily against the wall, his face white with pain. His arm was wedged under a large chunk of brick wall. 

Katsu was standing, completely unharmed and unflustered in the same spot. There was an air of fulfilled satisfaction about him even though he was covered in fine powder from the demolished building. There was a good size hole in the back of the jail and some curious faces peering in, Miss Kaoru among them. When she spotted me she looked slightly guilty and I wondered why. 

"Yahiko, please go get Doctor Megumi." Missus Tokio ordered quietly. She had opened the cell door and was kneeling by Kamatari. The cross dresser managed a weak smirk and admitted, "I really did it this time." 

You shouldn't go around teasing madmen, I chided mentally. That you should not! How was it they always followed me? I never sought them out, while this crazy guy played push the buttons. I was a wonder we weren't all dead. 

Saitou, swept past his wife to inspect the damage. His cold eyes glanced over us and he announced in a scathing voice, "Some one will have to pay for this damage. I hold all of you responsible." 

"What? You gotta be kidding!" Sano protested, coming to after the explosion. He had his head in one hand and his eyes shut. They snapped open with a war-like gleam and he looked to be about to start a fight. Luckily, at that moment, Megumi came in distracting him temporarily. She professionally ignored the wreckage and the crowd of gawkers. She kneeled beside Kamatari and asked a few questions in a low voice. 

"This unworthy one fails to see how we are accountable for such damages." I grated out. Battousai was chaffing at the bit in his eagerness to tear the detestable man to pieces. 

"Yeah!" Miss Misao chimed it. "It's not our fault that Yahiko, the brat, came in and enlightened us! Or that Katsu got really mad and tried to blow us all up! Why do we have to pay?" 

Saitou gave a hard stare and answered deadpan, "I said so." 

"Well that's a stupid reason because you are wrong!" Miss Misao retorted hotly. 

"Misao." Aoshi's cool voice cut her short. Immediately she was a happy, eager young lady again, rather than a raging weasel girl. The priest was standing aloof on the other side of the demolished wall looking nonplussed. "What is going on? Why are you in jail, on the wrong side of the bars?" His voice was deadly calm, undemanding, but I could sense he was very unhappy at the position of his charge. 

She slunk over to him and Saitou challenged, "Where are you going Weasel Girl? You're bail has not been paid, and there is the matter of the jail." 

Missus Tokio came up behind him and brush his arm. He glanced at her, but let the matter slide. That didn't stop him from watching Miss Misao with a slightly peeved look or hardening his eyes at Aoshi. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who didn't like the man of God. 

"C'mon Foxy, it wasn't me this time, honest!" Sano protested and I could see Miss Megumi scowling at him. 

"That is your friend." 

"So?" Sano shrugged. Apparently, he'd never heard the saying about how your friends reflect upon you. 

Miss Megumi shook her head before she spotted me. Kamatari had been freed from his imprisonment thanks to Sano and was flexing his arm to see how much it hurt. By the look on his face, it hurt a lot. Miss Megumi had already fixed it up and had whirled to deal with her more immediate problem. 

Miss Kaoru spoke accusingly from beside me, making me jump out of my skin, "What happened Kenshin? Why are you in here? I sent you out for some fun, not to be thrown in jail." 

"This unworthy one is very sorry Miss Kaoru. It is a funny stor- oof." That last bit was when Miss Megumi jumped me from behind. 

"You are not hurt, are you Sir Ken?" She asked, brushing a hand against my forehead. Kaoru's face stormed over and she looked like a buffalo ready to charge. I winced and tried to extract myself from Miss Megumi's gripe assuring her I was fine. She wasn't going to let me off that easy. 

I glanced around hoping Sano would once again save me. Unfortunately, he was arguing with a rather unimpressed, unmoved Saitou. Either Miss Megumi's behavior annoyed or hurt him or he simply lost interest. I wasn't sure which to think. 

"That rooster head has no respect for others. His hooligan friend is even worse." Megumi pursed her lips before a sly grin slipped across her face, "You should not keep that sort of company. I am surprised Kaoru would let you go out for the night. Then again, considering her cooking who would want to stay?" 

Kaoru was now red with anger and embarrassment. 

"This unworthy one likes Miss Kaoru's cooking." I said meaning every word of it. I liked it because she made it. Great, now I sounded like a sappy romantic. Well, deigning my attraction wouldn't make it go away. It didn't make them any more appropriate either. She didn't want anything from me but my money, and that was the way I planned to keep it. 

"Oh yes. I saw the work it did on that bear." Miss Megumi smirked and glanced at Miss Kaoru from the corner of her eye. "Then again, the more you eat of it the more chance you have of coming into the clinic with food poisoning. I would be happy to treat you Sir Ken." 

Miss Kaoru grabbed my arm and yanked. I flew away from Miss Megumi and barely stopped myself from crashing into the undamaged part of the wall. 

"Come on Kenshin, we are going home." Miss Kaoru growled and I wondered if she was angry with me. 

"Where do you think you're taking him Raccoon Girl?" 

She whirled on him, finally finding an outlet for her penned up anger. "You need to stop hanging around! Don't you have a life other than bothering poor Kenshin? He's done nothing to you, and you badger the hell out of him! I don't understand and I don't want to! Leave. Him. Alone." 

I was torn between letting her go after him and telling the truth. I decided the former was far more amusing and less dangerous than the latter. 

"So you want to pay your little pet's bail?" Saitou sneered. I wondered how they could ever be cousins. 

"Bail?" Miss Kaoru echoed. 

"Do your ears not work correctly? Bail. Money paid in order to release a criminal." 

"Kenshin's not a criminal! I don't know why he was in there, but I bet that slacker Sanosuke had something to do with it!" She grabbed my hand and pulled. I followed after her. 

"Battousai and I need to talk." Saitou's words halted me. Kaoru tugged, but I gently disengaged her hand. Flashing a reassuring smile I walked soundlessly back to the psycho sheriff. A small smirk played around his lips having gotten the reaction he wanted from me. 

"Miss Kaoru, I need to speak with Saitou for a moment. If you could please excuse us?" She paused uncertainly but Missus Tokio pulled her aside. 

"What do you want." I felt no need to be polite when I knew the favor was neither going appreciated nor returned. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. Inhaling deeply he searched my face. 

"You've change. I cannot imagine the famous assassin taking orders from a mere slip of a girl, such as my cousin." 

I felt a smile creep up on my face at the mention of Miss Kaoru, but hid it swiftly. Saitou was not a man who appreciated sentiment; he scorned it. I wanted us to be on equal footing for whatever he had to say to me. 

"It is difficult to see you with a wife." I said, returning fire. His face shifted and he glanced over to where Missus Tokio was still talking with Miss Kaoru. 

"That is none of your concern." He remarked crisply. 

I felt like telling him that my non-existent relationship with Miss Kaoru was also none of his concern. Instead I change the subject. The last thing I needed was to get in a fight with one of my old enemies. 

"What did you wish to speak to me about?" 

He paused, considering his words carefully. I could tell he was also making sure no one was close enough to ease drop. He flicked the butt of his cigarette to the ground and smashed it with his heel. 

"Someone was at my cousin's place. Someone powerful, but who left their energy unmasked as if they wanted you to know. That same person visited my ranch, lifting one of Tokio's pair of earrings. Whatever they want, they are out for both of us." 

I nodded. He was saying, in his own prideful way, that we needed to set aside our difference and work together. A temporary truce, until we could determine and deal with the threat. A thread of guilt slipped through me. I had accidentally gotten Miss Kaoru involved in whatever mess this was. I wasn't so naïve as to think that she would be overlooked, even if I left now. It was too late. The only thing I could do was stay near her and protect her. An equally pleasing and displeasing notion. 

"Keep her safe or you will regret it." Saitou threatened lowly. His narrow eyes rested heavily on the two women before boring into me. I stared back; angered that he would think I would be frivolous with Miss Kaoru's life. I growled promisingly, "You do not have to worry. I will protect Miss Kaoru. With my life if need be." 

**A/N:** Well, you people are not going to like this in the slightest, and I hope you read this author note, but I'm putting this story in hiatus (on hold) while I take a step back and take stock. Hopefully I'll get my act together soon, but no promises. While all of you are getting out of school/work, I'm now incredibly busy *whine*. I know it's not an excuse, but I'M NOT DISCONTINUING THIS. I WILL finish it, promise. So keep you're eyes open, okay? *runs before she's hung* 

**Weird One : ** Oh yes, and hopefully in 50 years I will not have had a surgery *is deathly afraid of needles and doctors. *blinks* No one said phobias were rational. There's absolutely no reason for me to be afraid of needles, yet I am, deathly so (I won't go into the things I say/do when I am/do come in contact with them). Besides, can you actually imagine Kenshin being afraid of a rat ^^; That just struck me as funny, picturing that. Yup, usually I would do them more justice, but it's all good. 

** MissBehavin:** 1. One could hope ne? I kind view that pairing with misgivings because it seems to much like [figurial] incest to me. I mean, he practically raise her, right? 2. Battousai was egging Katsu on O__O;; 3. Yes, they do ^^;; but if I took away the knives and taped his mouth shut then the fun would end! 4. Woah there! Hold you horses! You may not abscond with my sheriff! And there may be a bit of reconciling 'tween the two. 5. Done 

**nina: ** @.@ ORO? I'm not sure how you managed that, but more power to you! Pairings are so top secret that if I told you I'd have to kill you... Okay, that's no fun. K/K, S/T, the rest are a messy jumble =D I could put the initials of first or last names if you want a hint: m/s/m/s/s. Oh, that didn't clear anything up did it? 

**Wistful-Eyes:** Yay, someone else who likes Tomoe! I had to think of an *cough* innocent game that Misao would know that didn't actually need materials. No, Sano needs his intake, it will get him in a lot more trouble... Kenshin is fun. I don't usually go with the split persona thing either. Then again, I don't usually have the story in first person, kenshin as the main character, the story as a western, or as a comedy. 

**Fyyrrose:** Pah, even void kitsunes have to play by the rules, so go seduce some guy. Besides, you know I'd be water ^__^ Hah, just, *pulls out stryafoam mallet as proof* look at this. Misao and knives, what a cringe-worthy combo there. Well, Lobo behaving indications a lot, but don't think Saitoh and he are going to be all buddy-buddy now. There is no firing squad, but I'm sure Saitoh would love to accomidate you. Never drank and never been around anyone who is drop dead drunk. You're sick. I've written more, just remember, the more I write the more you have to beta-read! *prances off* 


	10. Chapter Nine: Of Women and Cattle

Chapter Nine: Of Women and Cattle 

"So Kenshin, what do you think?" 

Miss Kaoru was sitting easily on her bay quarter horse mare. The animal was slightly old, but I could tell Miss Kaoru took very good care of her. 

"I do not know much about cattle Miss Kaoru." I admitted. Mentally I amended that. I knew that they tasted pretty good. Did that count? 

"That's okay Kenshin." I glanced at her sideways. Her sapphire blue eyes were staring off into the distance, unfocused. Whatever she was thinking about had brought a small smile to her face. Abruptly she blinked violently and gently bit her bottom lip with her top teeth. 

"Are you alright Miss Kaoru?" 

"Huh? Oh, fine." 

Fine my foot. Something had startled her, but if she didn't want to talk about it I wasn't going to force her. Just at that moment the beast I was seated on decided to shift. I suppose it was bored, but I wasn't paying attention. If I hadn't caught myself I would have ended up on my head. Shoot, with my luck I'd have buried it in a prairie dog hole and the horse would have stepped on me. If someone up above was trying out to get me, it'd be quite possible I'd either pass out or never have children. 

Children. I did love the little squirts. I wonder if Miss Kaoru and I had children what they would look like. Shaking my head I blinked several times. Where had that come from! 

"We should go into town and get food for dinner." She said, turning away from the same herd of heifers that were grazing. 

I had made breakfast after finally convincing her that I was, indeed, capable of doing not only laundry, but cooking as well. She tasted it and seemed to melt. Well. Considering she'd been living off her own cooking for so long… 

'No wonder she'd got such a nasty temper. I would too if I lived off that pig swell lover boy.' 

Lover boy? 

'That's what I call you. Your sweet on her, like a pathetic lovesick puppy. It's making me want to rolf. You should just ravage her. That's always good fun.' 

My mouth dropped open and I cringed. Ravage her? What was he thinking? Sicko. 

'Pediphile.' He returned with a smirk. 

I choose, valiantly, to ignore him. Unfortunately, some of my internal struggle must have leaked out and Miss Kaoru was looking at me oddly. I gave her a wide, sweet smile. She growled under her breath. What does it take to impress a girl? 

'Slamming her against the wall while pinning her arms…' 

"Oro!" 

"Kenshin, why are you acting so weird all of a sudden? Are you okay?" 

At the risk of saying no and going to the clinic I forced a quick, slight nod. Battousai merely snickered. 

The trip to town was uneventful. I didn't fall off my horse, Battousai actually shut up, and Miss Kaoru was silent. I guess she was thinking again. It made me curious as to what was going on in her mind. After the third time I caught her looking at me I asked, "Is something wrong Miss Kaoru?" 

She blushed crimson and mumbled that she was fine. Perfectly fine. Nothing to worry about. Except she wouldn't meet my eyes. Had I don't something wrong? If so, why didn't she just whack me? That always seemed to help her express her anger. Not that I particularly wanted to be hit, it was just I didn't like not knowing what was going on. 

'You're dumb as a box of rocks. How you ever survive is beyond me.' 

What's that suppose to mean? I stared at him with narrowed eyes. What did he know that I didn't? I was me after all. And this was none of his business! He just smiled back and waved cheerily back. 

'If you let me out I'll tell you.' 

Fat chance. In fact, a radish's chance in Kaoru's stew and becoming edible. He ignored me and began looking at the dirt under his fingernails scrupulously. I turned my back on him and hoped he wouldn't suddenly decide to torment me. What was I saying? This was my evil alter ego here. Of course he would torment me. It was in his job description. I wondered if he considered it a perk. Probably. He sure liked to mess with people's heads, especially mine. 

'Fine then. I won't tell you. You'll just be clueless forever and ever.' And this seemed to be digressing back to second grade. I half expected him to stick out his tongue and pull down one lower eyelid. Instead he leaned back and closed his eyes. 

My eyes wandered as I held my internal debate. They paused jerking my attention away from my sulky other half and held fast on their prize. Two coal black horses were tied outside the bar. Both seemed to be of good breeding and looked to be very expensive and well training. Their ears were prick back at us intelligently and the saddles on their backs were rich, new leather. The good stuff. 

"I've never seen those before. Let's go see who the strangers are!" Miss Kaoru said excitedly. She hastily hitched her horse, then mine before grabbing my upper arm and dragging me in the bar. 

The last place on earth I ever wanted to be again. 

At least Sano, Kamatari, and Yumi were out of sight, if not out of mind. Warily I eyed the two strangers. They were quietly chatting among themselves. The tall one with the gravity defying straw colored hair took a shot before slamming the glass back down. He seemed to have guns strapped to every part of his body. I expected Battousai to make a comment about the man making up for something, but he had disappeared. Completely. 

Suddenly I felt very naked and alone. He had never just skittered off like that for no reason and without warning! Despite our arguing he was a part of my life, one I liked to tolerate. It was nice to have a trump card if I got in deep. And now he was gone. No note or anything. 

Miss Kaoru, suddenly shy, watching the strangers sat down on the barstool. She had left a space between the other stranger and herself. Did she want me to sit there? To keep myself between her and the stranger. Or did she want me to be on the other side because she was merely pretending to be polite, but really wanted to listen in on their conversation? I decided I would rather face her ire than let her be in any danger. 

Gingerly, I sat down and cocked an obliging ear toward the pair. While the yard high hair man was leaning against the bar top cockily, his younger companion was seated. He was nursing what looked like water. Then again, he looked like he was, oh, fifteen. Bangs hung in his large eyes and his face had a definitely boyish cast to it. Adorned on that face was the hugest, most fake smile I had ever seen in my life. He put my clueless drifter smile to shame, slaughtered it with a butter knife. 

"Woah, check the chick two seats over." The tall one said with a clear southern accent. I bristled. There was only one 'chick' in the vicinity. 

"I think we should buy a heifer, you know? A young, pretty one without too much fat and all." The boy replied idly. He played with his glass of water, expression never changing. It was freaky. He was talking about a woman as property and it didn't bother him a bit. 

Apparently this also stuck his companion, "Ain't all heifers fat asses anyway? I didn' realize ya were into that kinda thing." 

"Sure Chou, I like milk. A lot." The boy replied, unphased. 

"Wohoo, didn't see ya that way 'fore." 

"It's best fresh." 

Chou gaped and let out a low whistle, "Grave robber!" 

"No, I'd do it at night, in some grassy field, undisturbed. She wouldn't like it if there were a lot of people around. Makes her nervous. If I'm careful I can drink all I want." I swallowed suddenly, feeling slightly ill. 

"Nasty shit boy." 

"The young ones are best. That's why I want a heifer." The boy explained, taking a sip. Still, that scary smile never faltered, even when the glass touched his lips. He didn't even dribble it down the front of him. Now that was talent. 

"Ya're such a dirty dog Soujirou!" Chou drawled with a decidedly lecherous look. "Shit, I could take lessons from ya." 

"Well, it is dirty work, but that's half the fun." Soujirou admitted, "The firm thing you need to do is take a firm grip. You won't get anything out if you're too soft. You have to curl your fingers and pull down. Unless you just want to stick your mouth on them and get what you want, but I don't suggest that. It's hardly hygienic." 

I felt my face heating up and one glance at Miss Kaoru warned me she was getting ready to explode. Gently I grasped her wrist, hoping to calm her. If anything that seemed to do the opposite. She jerked her wrist out of my hand like she had been burned and massaged it with a foreign look on her face. Catching me staring she narrowed her eyes drastically, promising a beat down later. 

"Just be sure you have warm hands. She won't like it if you put your cold hands on her nipples. That's sensitive skin. Especially to temperature changes." 

"I neva thought of that." Chou said with a pensive look. 

"Well, you don't want to be kicked. That happened to me once; I couldn't walk for a week. Taught me a lesson." 

Chou's eyes were bugging out of his head, and I hoped mine weren't doing the same. He clicked his jaw shut and I suddenly felt very sympathetic toward the boy. Imagine, that must have been painful! Being kicked there by an enraged woman. 

"I ain' been kicked yet." Chou breathed. 

Soujirou turned that creepy smile on the gun man and said in a cheerful voice, "Perhaps you should be giving me the advice then!" 

Miss Kaoru abruptly stood up with an enraged expression and stomped over there. I made a grab at her ponytail and missed. Cursing pathetically, without Battousai to lend a helping comment, I really couldn't think of anything at all. 

"How dare you two! Talking like that. Like it's okay to treat women like cattle!" She screamed. Luckily it seemed that there were no loose planks in the establishment or else she would have beaned them both. 

The boy looked up at her calmly, the smile widening and he said in a very polite voice, "Do you have any to sell? I'm looking for a young, healthy heifer." 

"Are ya fuckin' crazy boy?" Chou asked incredulous and I glared. I hope the kid wasn't insinuation what it sounded like. 

"Oh, actually I do." Miss Kaoru said, her tone sweetening her tone drastically. 

"Oro!" 

"Fuck." 

"How much?" He asked innocently, "I don't have much spare change, but I think it should be enough." 

"Ya can't sell women!" Chou yelped like he had been smacked from behind with a wet towel. His previous leer was replaced with out and out horror. 

"Technically you can honey." Oh wonderful. Look who has made his entrance, unwieldy cast and all. "Happens all the time." 

"You shut up freak. None one asked you." Yumi snapped. She walked past Chou and hugged Soujirou tightly. 

"Women?" Soujirou asked, from her chest, looking thoroughly confused. His smile returned slightly before his scrunched up face and he looked so much like a confused toddler I wanted to laugh. "I was talking about cattle." 

"So was I." Kaoru replied innocently. 

Chou and I just gaped. Cattle? As in four legged walking dinners? The things that leather came from? Those beasts we were watching earlier. That sort of cattle? 

"Good to see you again Soujirou. You're journey went well then?" Yumi asked, finally releasing him. I could see Chou watching jealously from the sidelines. Well, all things considered I think he had the right to be a bit green eyed. Considering the way his mind was going just a few minutes ago. Again, I expected Battousai to point out mine had been going in the exact same direction, but he was silent. 

"It was quite pleasant." The boy said agreeably. And I heard Chou mutter under his breath, "If'n ya consider being near killed nice." 

Someone about the two of them made me nervous. And I wondered why they would be visiting a place like this and what their connection to the two ladies were. It was obviously a close, friendly relationship, yet Miss Kaoru hadn't recognized the two strangers. 

"Hello, my name is Soujirou Seta, and this is my companion Chou." I relaxed slightly. The name didn't ring any bells or whistles. Of course, names are easily changed, used, and discarded. But there was a sincerity about his introduction that rang true. 

"I'm Kaoru Kamiya, and I own the ranch on the south part of town. If you would like a cow you should come on by and look them over. I'm sure you could find one you like." Miss Kaoru said and elbowed me sharply. I take it that meant I was to introduce myself. Something which I wasn't sure I wanted to do. "This unworthy one's name is Kenshin. It is a pleasure to met both of you." 

"Soujirou, I'm sure you and Chou are exhausted." Yumi said only half as subtle as she thought she was. 

"Yes." Soujirou agreed and executed a slight bow in our direction. "Nice to meet both of you. I may just stop by your ranch when I have rested." 

With that the four retreated. 

"What a polite boy, nothing like that brat Yahiko!" Miss Kaoru announced and I trailed her back out to our horses. 

Still not a peep from our favourite insane alter ego. 

**A/N:** Look! I managed another chapter! Albeit it was a day late, forgive me? I'll try to update at least once a week. Anyway, big thanks to Fyyrrose for sparking the idea for this chapter, and look, two more characters. 

Reviewers:

**MissBehavin:** I figured the man has been such an ass he needed some good light shed on him. Well, that's the way I see him anyway ^^. Sano and Misao are fun to slam together >:) 

**victoria:**: Fresh blood *glomp* Anyway, I'm not terribly great at the romance, but I hope this chapter satied you at least! 

**Fyyrrose:** You want it? You whined that I shouldn't give it to you until after you finished your class stuff, remember? Besides, I bet you haven't done that paper yet! Bad, bad, bad. Chocolate *drools* Dang it, now I want to go to the gas station and buy a candy bar. When I was rearranging my room last night I found 5 bucks stashed. Soda for me! -.-;; Okay, I just evicted Fred's family from my room after what, two weeks? Why would I kill a rat, even fictionally? The poor baby didn't do anything! 

Makes me think of this line in Petshop of Horrors, manga issue 3: 

Count D: *slightly distainful* You know I don't care about humans Leon: -.- I forgot. *thinking* freak. 

Yes, the wolf showed something other than cold cyancism, too much for you to handle? So you actually like Meg, never saw that coming. Well, you know me and my fav. characters. Go ahead, send the link to my mom, I DARE you. LMFAO. 

**Wistful-Eyes:** *bows* It's good to know I'm giving the man some attention. Mwahaha, yes, pillow. I prefer my dog to a pyromaniac, but yes. **Houndingwolf:** There probably is a story like that, and many more. I was just being rather un-creative. Lobo is wolf in spanish ( I think anyway). 

**Nigihayami Haruko:** *jaw drops* The horror! *grins* Well, that just means you get double the fun! *twitches* As for the past *eye tick* I haven't figured all that out yet, but it will be sorted and worked in! 

**Trupana:** Yay, have a cookie (::) Hungry is evil. Aku Soku Zan! I suggest slaying it with a that cookie! Speaking of... I should make some more cookies today (my cooking is on par with Kaoru's. I'm probably going to poison myself again.). O.o It wasn't intended as a hint, but sure, I'll probably drop a few more in unwittingly *grins* Don't forget the crazy bomb-wielding coach driver! B will come out to play, he will. Or fyyrrose would disown me. Thank you ;) I'm was afraid I wasn't keeping to her character very well (I think Megumi-chan has addled my brain). 


	11. Chapter Ten: His Magnificence

Chapter Ten: His Magnificence

"No way, no how! I'm not getting up on one of those beasts. Not for all the alcohol in this town!" Sanosuke declared, crossing his arms over his chest. Yahiko was leering and Kaoru looked to be one instant away from totally losing it. 

'Three…Two…One.' 

"Sanosuke!" She thundered and he jumped. She scowled and said in a clear voice, "You are coming with us. If you won't ride then you can run!" 

Yahiko was practically rolling with mirth by now and Sano had the look of a beaten dog. The quickly turned to belligerence as he considered what she had said. Personally I was with him. Horses sucked. 

'You're just jealous that everyone around here is such a good rider.' Battousai smirked, 'I know how to ride.' 

Sano opened his mouth to protest, but she was glaring at him. "If you open it any wider you'll have a fist down you're throat." 

And that was that. 

"Sano's scared of horses!" Yahiko jeered, "Oh, look at me Mister Big and Bad, but horses scare me! Hey, what'd you do that for?" 

"For you being such a punk." Sanosuke growled, eyeing his horse like it was going to eat him. He roughly grabbed the reins and put his foot up in the stirrup. Unfortunately, the horse chose that exact moment to sidestep. The young man pretty much vaulted over landing face first in the yard. He turned his head and yelp, "Sick, I almost ate horse shit." 

'Better than bullshit.' Battousai quipped and I got a nagging suspicion that he was referring to me. 

We got underway with little more difficult. Unlike Sano and I, both Miss Kaoru and Yahiko were excellent horse riders. 

"So why are we out here again?" Yahiko said in his complaining voice. The weather was pleasant, if a bit cool and the ride thus far had been peaceful. Despite Sano's curses. 

"There have been reports of animal attacks on livestock. I just want to bring the herds in closer where I can keep an eye on them." 

"And you need me because…?" Sano stifled a yawn, "You know that I could be back at the bar having a drink or ten and enjoying myself." 

"Gambling you mean." Yahiko snorted and his horse echoed him. Of course, it wasn't intentional, but it was funny none the less. "So what kind of animal. I bet it's not as scary as you are Ugly." 

"I'll give you scary!" She threatened, but being on horseback, couldn't exactly deliver. Luckily for Yahiko she was the type of person to forget, if not forgive immediately. Not that it mattered. He would piss her off again within the hour. And next time she might be in a better position to thump him. I smiled slightly at that thought. The two of them acted more like siblings that the brothers actually. 

"I heard it was a wolf." Sanosuke said, trying his very best to sound off-handed and nonchalant. Needless to say the man didn't have subtle in his vocabulary and most certainly didn't know how to use it. He would make a lousy politician. Not too mention he was so brutal honest. Yes, much too much so. That, coupled with being so blunt, had some serious power to get him into trouble. He was like a buffalo almost. Big, loud, and obtuse. 

"You're not implicating that Tokio's wolf could be doing it, are you?" I asked. Better to get this out in the open. 

"Well… er…" He said scratching his head and sliding to the side on his leather saddle. With a jerk he grabbed at the saddle horn desperately and hauled himself back up. Kaoru gave him a scathing look and he grinned, mumbling, "I hate horses. They're ugly and stupid and they stink and they poop everywhere and they bite…" It continued on, but by then he had enough sense to lower his voice. 

"Hey, what's that?" 

'A dust cloud.' Thank you Captain Obvious. We could never had deduced that ourselves. 

"It's Saitoh and Tokio. With a wagon full of supplies?" Miss Kaoru crinkled her nose and I decided she was cute when she did that. 

'Gag, barf.' He made a choking noise then added, 'Now Tokio, that's a real woman. In all the right places.' 

Now you behave! I practically wailed. The last thing I need was to give Saitoh and Lobo another reason to pop me off. He leered and gave a look that made me blush with embarrassment. 

'I forgot, you like sticks and bones. Tell me, what do you see in her?' He rolled his hard, amber eyes. The effect was ridicules, but I was dwelling on his words, not his actions. 

"You should not make fun of Miss Kaoru. She is a very kind and generous person, that she is." 

"Kenshin, who are you talking to?" Miss Kaoru asked from beside me. I hadn't realized I had said that last bit out loud. Oops. 

"Oro!" I yelped then muttered, "No one of importance Miss Kaoru." 

"Kenshin's weird. He's always talking to himself again." Yahiko said, just loud enough that I could hear. Sano nodded in agreement, "No doubt, he's weird all right. Then again, he puts up with the little Missy, so he's got to be! Maybe we should take him to Foxy. She might know what's wrong with him." 

'Oh yes, there's another good looking piece of work.' 

"Oro." What a nasty, gutter-minded alter ego! 

By then our party had drifted over to where Missus Tokio and Saitoh were. The man's normally harsh features were now glaciered and he looked to be in great torment. I wondered what could have Saitoh in such a state. He didn't even sneer at me like usual and barely even gave Sanosuke a glance. 

"Good day Missus Tokio." I hailed and she smiled from behind a team of four. With a gentle tug she brought them to a stop. I peered into the back of the cart and my eyes practically bugged out. There was enough alcohol there to make a small lake and swim in it. 

"Hello everyone." She seemed to be in a suspiciously good mood and I wondered where they were going. Before I could ask she chirped sugary-sweet, "We're going to take my brother his supplies Mister Himura. Hajime was nice enough to escort me." 

The said man was peering off into the distance at some invisible point. Apparently she had blackmailed him into coming. He turned and lit up a smoke. With a large inhale he looked at us, "There are dangers out here. I wouldn't want to leave my wife unprotected." 

"I think Missus Tokio could take care of herself, that I do." I said, remembering her previous actions on the stagecoach. Was that really just a week ago? It seemed to long. 

"So what are you four doing out here? I've heard there is a man eating cougar roaming about." Missus Tokio said and Lobo shifted from his seat on the springboard, suddenly interested. That wolf was uncanny. 

"C-cougar?" Yahiko stuttered in surprise. 

"It's said the surest way to ward off a cougar's attack at night is to run as fast as you can. While you're doing that you have to strip of an article of clothing and drop in behind you. The cat will grab the dropped piece of cloth and shred it, giving you more time to get away. You can always tell how close it is by its scream. Of course, if you can make it inside then you're safe. If not, you're just another meal to the big cat. Beautiful animals, don't you guys think?" 

Yahiko was now shivering and Sano had a serious look of concentration. Abruptly he opened his mouth. Now, one would hope something intelligent would come out, but Sano's sense must have been on a lunch break. An extended one. 

"Whew, that could get chilly. Better run to some place with a hot babe." 

Missus Tokio turned to me, "Would you please come meet my brother? I'm sure he would like to see you. And I promise Hajime will stay polite. Please? 

'Here we go again. You need to learn how to say no to woman dumbo.' 

"This unworthy one would be glad to meet your brother." 

'Well, anyone who can rile the wolf can't be that bad.' 

"Hey, I've heard that's he's a big ogre that eats little kids." Yahiko interjected, but Missus Tokio had already started the team. 

Sanosuke grinned and teased, "In that case maybe you shouldn't come. He'll look at you and say tasty. Then again, I bet you taste nasty. It's all that attitude, it messes up the flavor." 

"So why do you think Saitoh doesn't like him?" 

"Don't know, but they've had more than one row over that fellow." Sanosuke drawled, his chocolate eyes lingering over Saitoh's back. 

'Great, not only is he a drunkard, but he's a busybody too.' 

"You get slammed in jail enough you see all sorts of things." Sano continued blithely. Then made a face, "And lots you didn't want to." 

Kaoru had a speculative gleam in her eyes, "Maybe he's jealous of the attention she gives her brother." 

'Jealous of her brother? The man has some issues.' 

"If you are done gossiping about my motives," Saitoh cut in coldly, "We are here." 

I looked up and cringed. This was not looking good, not at all. This was looking hauntingly familiar. There was the main shack, yes shack, built of seasoned timber. Although it was small and run down it was still well built and looked like it had weathered quite a bit. Behind the house was a small stable and paddock that housed a grumpy looking mule. Beyond that was the outhouse, well, and… pottery shed. Now I was really scared. It was all adding up. 

"Missus Tokio…" Before I could ask an ominous figure loomed overhead. Instinct and habit kicked in and I blurted, "Master!" 

'Pathetic. You're your own man now, well sort of, yet you still whimper.' 

I looked up with wide purple eyes. Despite the ten years since I last saw him, time hadn't seemed to have marked him in the slightest. He still wore his ebony hair long and his handsome features were flat, as were his sharp, ebony eyes. 

"It's you." He said, dropping his alcohol from his lips. "Come to burn down this house too?" 

"Master, that was an accident!" I protested, "This unworthy one…" 

"Didn't mean to." He intoned with a superior look, "That is the story of your life, stupid student." 

'You are such a sucker.' Battousai grinned, a slightly disturbing expression on his harsh face, 'Learn to say no. It will save a world of trouble. And woman are nothing but.' 

"So how has Master been faring?" I asked timidly. I could feel the quizzical looks directed at me. I could practically hear what was going through their minds. What? Master? That guy doesn't look old enough and man he's a jerk. The usual reaction to His Magnificence. 

"Well, aside from the fact that you burned down my last house before running off to fight in the war even thought I specifically told you not to. And having my next house pillaged by some stupid Union troops, then being attacked by the Confederates. Oh it was dandy. So, I, with my superior intelligence, deduced that the only way I was going to get any peace, the peace that I deserved, was to move. Easier said that done. Humanity is such a nuisance. Of course, I eventually wound up here. It's not as far from town as I would have liked, too many nosy," He glanced at Saitoh when he said this, "People hanging around. Luckily, my dear sister has agreed to bring me the supplies I require. After all, even one such as I cannot go without food for more than two weeks! However, sister, this alcohol is abysmal. It tastes like pig piss." 

"Probably is." Sanosuke snickered and I blinked. Eww, and eww. 

But Tokio was nonplussed and replied serenely with an arched eyebrow in imitation of her husband, "Have you actually tried it to make a comparison?" 

He didn't reply. My jaw dropped. That was quite possibly the first time I'd ever seen him bested. It was a shocking revelation. Considering I had spent my childhood thinking the man was a god, and my teenage years thinking he was the devil. 

"We should really be going…" 

"Mister Himura, could you please stroke the fire before you go?" 

Damn it. 

Hiko almost jumped to his feet and bodily placed himself between the fireplace, and me "Absolutely not. He is not allowed near any fires within my walls." 

I was hurt. Well, okay, I was secretly pleased that I could now make a clean escape. But fate wasn't on my side. As usual. 

"Get your lazy, good-for-nothing husband to do it." Hiko said and there was a suspicious sound from the porch where Saitoh was chain-smoking. Looking out the doorway only showed a cloud of grey smoke. Now I understood perfectly why he was loathing this excursion. 

Kaoru, perhaps annoyed by the treatment of her cousin, she could be incredibly picky about such things, or just annoyed by Master himself, said politely, "It was nice meeting you sir. Thank you for taking care of Kenshin. We should go now." 

"Who are you?" Hiko said, for the first time actually look at Yahiko, Miss Kaoru, and Sanosuke. 

"This is Miss Kaoru Kamiya, she runs the cattle ranch that borders your land. She's Hajime's younger cousin." Missus Tokio offered. 

Hiko looked her up and down critically before pronouncing, in a shamefully loud voice, "His cousin huh. I would have thought she'd weigh three hundred pounds, if she were as lazy as he is." Before she could open her mouth he continued on, "Prove you're worth the air you're breathing and fix the fire." 

She glared at him with her jaw set and fists clenched. I fully expected her to pick up the small, iron potbelly stove that resided in the corner and chuck it at him. Instead she turned beet red. 

"Drunken bastard." Was the statement from outside. And at the moment I was agreeing. Master could insult me all he wanted. Heck, he could insult Saitoh even more! But poking fun at Miss Kaoru was the limit. 

"What was that?" Hiko called out to Saitoh. "I heard your jail was blown up. Must be hard to upkeep the law in such a small town. Makes me glad I'm just a simple potter." 

"Hajime put himself between myself and some bombs." Missus Tokio added, kindling the fire, since no one else seemed inclined to do it. Well, shoot, I was inclined to do it, but I couldn't guarantee the results. 

"Very noble." Hiko grunted sarcastically, "I'm sure it was his fault in the first place that some maniac had a hold of them." 

"Brother." Missus Tokio chided, but I could tell she wasn't wholly unpleased with the hassling Master was giving her husband. "Can't you be nice?" 

"To that man?" Master sneered, "Not even for you dear sister. I don't even see why you married him; it certainly wasn't looks or personality. I bet in the bedroom he's mediocre at best." 

By then Sanosuke and Yahiko were hooting with laughter, Miss Kaoru had turned pink, and I was seriously considering torching the place. Is this what Katsu felt like all the time? If so I could sympathize. 

"Now Brother, that was completely uncalled for." 

"I was simply being honest." He preened, ignoring the anger in her voice. Uh-oh. Master was wise in many things, but I don't think the ways of women was one of them. 

"Only you could turn a trait like honestly into a fault." She said coldly. 

Miss Kaoru looked sceptical and muttered from besides me, "Try a crater. I can't believe Kenshin put up with him as a child." 

"Do you say something hippo?" 

Kaoru's mouth dropped before her fury hit the ground, "I can't believe such an arrogant, pompous jerk like you could raise such a sweet man like Kenshin! Honestly. You are the most insolent, egotistic ass that I've ever had the misfortune to run across. First you make fun of my cousin…" 

"Of course, hopefully the family resemblance is diffused by the other half of your blood." 

"Then you make fun of Kenshin, who has done nothing to deserve it!" Her voice dropped down to the boiling point, "And you made fun of my weight!" 

With that she actually did heft the stove and attempt to throw it at him. Except it was too heavy for her and she started to topple backwards with a look of chagrin on her face. I rushed over to break her fall. With a thump we landed painfully on the ground and the stove rolled back to its corner. 

"What a little spitfire. You will have a time breaking her in with a temper like that." Hiko said, calmly sipping some brandy colored liquid. 

"I'm not a horse!" She sputtered indignantly. 

"You sound like one. Not to mention your frame." 

"Yeah, Ugly looks like a horse!" Yahiko brayed and slapped his knees. Miss Kaoru twisted his ear viciously, "Ouch!" 

"The boy has brains. He might actually become a man." 

This was enough. I could see Saitoh was thinking the same thing. He matched into the room and gently grasped Missus Tokio's arm. He whispered something in her ear and she smiled. 

"I enjoyed the visit dear brother. We will return in a week to bring you some more supplies." 

The two made their way out and I fancied I hear Saitoh growl something about a week too soon. 

"We also should be going Master. Before it gets dark." 

"And the cougar comes out to play? I never thought you would be afraid of some wild beast stupid student. You truly are a tribute to the morons of the world." 

**A/N:** Not too many reviews for that last chapter *cringe* Either it sucked or I threw you all by posting a day late. Sorry! And his greatness makes a cameo here. Fyyrrose is credited with practically all of Hiko's dialogue ^__^ She does him so much better than I do. I'm such a nice, unassuming, modest lil gal. 

Reviewers:

**Fyyrrose:** Thanks SO much. You got me a "lecture", that started out normally but somehow ended in incest and adultry. THEN I get the morality trip and the stds conversation. In which I pointed out that syphilis was very prevelant in that time period. And off Mom goes. Fine, you may beta *now*. I will send it to you since you're off to take your exams. And you asked me to withhold, not the other way around! Stop spewing out little red hearts O__O;; It's creeping me out. The other day one of the dogs woke me up and I screamed, "Get the F out of my face." Then I looked at the clock and realized G-ma was still home *blushes*. 

**Nigihayami Haruko:** *grins sheepishly* we-ll, it's not like I haven't thought about it! The civil war is tons diff. I have to plot. I have an idea for his time with his Master, but as for the actual war... Don't hurt me. That's okay. When the "bad guy" is revealled you'll learn about his past, promise. He'll be back for awhile. Hehe. Heifer is a nickname my cousin calls me (she's just jealous because I'm an inch taller than her, yet only weigh 120 lbs). 

**Wistful-Eyes:** Just proof of what a guttermind can do to a perfectly innocent conversation ^^;; Oh yes, B's plotting. 


	12. Chapter Eleven: Girl Talk

**Chapter Eleven**

Battousai had once again deserted me. I ignored the lonely, empty feeling in the back of my mind and stared at the young, smiling boy before me. What was it about him that made Battousai retreat? Was it out of fear? I bit back a cynical snort. I could picture his mentality now, fear, what fear? Fear is for idiots who can't control themselves. Giving a little shake of my head I considered the other option. He was plotting. 

Now that one was very much a possibility, but it was one I was loath to consider. Plotting usually ended with someone seriously injured and myself taking the blame. What was I suppose to do with him? Put him on a chain and place a mental sign on my forehead that warned Beware of Battousai? Yeah, that would work. Both of us knew that he didn't have to stay in that cage all the time; he was, as he had proven on several instances, able to give me the slip. Presto. Suddenly the jailer is behind bars and the parolee running amuck. 

"Good evening Mister Himura, Miss Kamiya." Did I mention his overly polite manner was grating? At least he didn't say Miss Kaoru, which was my name for her. "I just came to see if I could discuss buying that one heifer with the black spot on its ear." 

Now, me, I was like, there's a difference? A cow was a cow. Sure, they came in a few different colors, but when you come down to it they're all still four legged, ruminants that spit up grass and re-chewed it a thousand times. Again, I reiterate, they taste pretty good. 

"Come in." Miss Kaoru said with a broad smile. I could almost see money signs chinging behind her eyes. So why exactly did that make me jealous? 

Of course, if Battousai were around like he was supposed to be, he was gladly taunt me with the answer. Was I too stupid to figure out my own subconscious with the psycho? Apparently so. His lose I guess, that he wasn't here to torment me like he charged with. 

They soon launched into a long, intricate talk about cattle that left me stupefied and bored out of my mind. Eventually I started dinner, but from the kitchen I had a limited ability to listen in on their utterly mundane conversation. So I decided dinner was going to be a skimpy affair, something I could throw together, but would still be infinitely less dangerous than Miss Kaoru's cooking. Then again, if Soujirou stayed for dinner and she cooked he might just kick off. Gah! See what happened when Battousai stepped out? I went all pissy and mean and petty. That was his job, so why wasn't he doing it? 

Instead of poisoning the stew like I wanted to I made myself walk out into the small living room. "This unworthy one was wondering if our guest was staying for dinner." 

The kid looked up with a bright, sparkling smile and I recoiled slightly. Did he get frozen in a blizzard as a child causing him to lose all the elasticity in his face? Or was he simply trying to lose weight. They say a smile burn three times the calories than a frown. In that case, Father Aoshi must be on a diet, because he wasn't winning any points there. 

All in all I was in an incredibly sour mood. I half hoped he would say yes so I could pour in some pepper or something. 

"Thank you for offering, but I must decline. You see, I'm staying with Miss Yumi, and she would be most disappointed if I didn't join her for dinner." He managed all that with that same bloody smile and the most annoying tone I'd ever heard. It was almost… patronizing? Yes, that was it. And, yes. Far more annoying than myself even, in my humble opinion. Not that I was trying to be annoying, I just got carried away sometime. Yeah. 

I watched as money changed hands and suddenly I felt guarded. There was something about… nah, just my over active imagination I'm sure. I was getting paranoid. Not everyone in the world was out to get me. 

"I will drop off the money tomorrow, but could you please keep her a few more days? I'm afraid my companion and I will be staying in town for a bit longer and I don't have a place to keep her." 

"That's just fine." Miss Kaoru assured him. She sounded so happy. Then again, considering the town she was living in this must be a wonderfully positive experience for her. 

"Good night Miss Kamiya, Mister Himura." 

That was one door I was happy to slam. 

"Oh Kenshin," Turning I half expected to be clobbered for any perceived rudeness. Her sapphire eyes locked with mine. We stared, not to be cliché or anything, but we stared into each other's eyes. Who the heck said you could see the soul through someone's eyes was talking some serious BS. But they were an absolutely beautiful shade of blue, a gorgeous azure with darker flecks and rim. That would have been all well and good so long as my violet ones didn't decide to wander downwards. I didn't even see it coming, "Kenshin you pervert!" 

Nursing the painful bump on my head I walked into the kitchen after her. 

We were just about done when there was a knock on the door. Irritated, I excused myself and opened the door a bit too violently. Missus Tokio looked at me with a serene smile and I found myself highly embarrassed. 

"May I come in?" 

"This unworthy one didn't mean… er… it was an accident-." I abruptly decided stuttering was getting me nowhere. Damn. Now that I consider it she was scarily similar to Master in some ways. So I did the only thing I could. Shut up. 

"Who… Oh, Tokio." Miss Kaoru said, emerging from the kitchen. She effectively thrust me out of the doorway, where I had been standing with the deer-in-the-headlight syndrome. I considering stumbling, but somehow I assumed Missus Tokio wouldn't buy it and Miss Kaoru would just be exasperated. I didn't need another mark. "Come in. Did Saitoh come with you?" 

Missus Tokio strolled in, quite at home. At the mention of Saitoh I peered into the murky yard waiting to see him lurking around. Instead, Lobo padded in. He growled at me before settling in front of the fireplace. The orange glow, which would have normally been considered warm and cheery, now had a satanic cast to it where it flickered over the beast's grey coat. 

By the look on Missus Tokio's face, she wanted to talk. It was the kind of look that said, girls- er, woman only. I beat a hasty retreat to the kitchen claiming the dishes needed doing. Well, they did! 

I collected the plates and scrubbed them in short order. Okay, so what else? Oh yeah, the glasses and the silverware. Done. Anything else? Well, the table looked a bit dirty. I should clean it… 

All right! So I couldn't resist! It's all Battousai's fault! 

Creeping up on the thin adjoining wall I gingerly pressed an ear to the wall hoping they won't hear me. 

"-Since your mother passed away I feel obligated to speak to you about this matter. It seemed rather harmless at first, but after yesterday…" Missus Tokio trailed off delicately and I could hear Miss Kaoru shifting nervously. 

"I'm not sure what you're talking about Tokio." 

There was a pause then Missus Tokio continued bluntly, "I've seen the way you've been looking at Mister Himura. Now, you do realize what will happen if you are intimate with him? You could conceive a child and it would become a bastard when he leaves. I don't have to tell you that Father Aoshi would have a fit." 

My eyes, threatening to pop out, had to blink several times as I mentally picture Mr. I'm Made of Stone having a fit. It wasn't happening. 

"Further more, your reputation would be ruined. You know Hajime wouldn't stand for that. I am as much afraid for Mister Himura as I am for you. Hajime is a wrathful man when his ire is stirred and he feels it demands justice." 

Oh crap, I forgot about him. He'd tear me from throat to navel. Or maybe navel to throat? Crap crap crap. Bad mental picture. One hand clutched my throat protectively and the other guarded that area. 

"If you truly like him you need to convince him to stay." 

"Tokio-." 

"Don't interrupt please. And I'm not talking about hitting him over the head. I know men are frustrating and stubborn, but there is no need for violence. Believe me, there are other ways to get them to behave like civilized human beings." 

My face flamed. Please let her be talking about the old phrase, 'A way to a man's heart is through his stomach'. Then it hit me. Please don't tell her that! Although her meals were flavourful and interesting I don't think my stomach and intestine agreed. 

"Tokio, Kenshin is my border." Miss Kaoru reminded her primly. Wait, primly? 

"A very handsome border." Missus Tokio said suggestively and I could practically see the smug smirk on her face. Living with Saitoh must have permanently warped her mind. She now considered every conversation a sparring match. "He kisses well enough too." 

I jerked away from the wall like I had been burned with a hot, iron poker. Why was she talking about that to Miss Kaoru? I knew my cheeks were flaming like a beacon and that I should have walked away then. And I did. For a second anyway. The term 'dead man walking' struck me as appropriate. 

"Tokio! When did you kiss Kenshin?" There was an enraged quality to her voice and I could picture her pink, but furious. Furious. Hmm, why would she be so mad? Before I could consider that one she continued, "What were you doing kissing Kenshin? You have a husband!" 

I concur. 

"Yes, and he needed to be taught a lesson." Thank god I escaped in time. Who knew what else she would attempt to get even. "You see that's one thing you need to learn. Men can be utter pigs. Sometimes they need to be reminded how to behave." 

"What does that have to do with kissing Kenshin?" Miss Kaoru demanded. 

I could almost picture Tokio shaking her head, refined. 

"Never mind. The point is, he's a fine specimen, and you shouldn't give up so easily. You've always been a go-getter. I don't see why this should be any different." 

Specimen? What was I? A new breed of dog or something? Oh yes, and this is the red coated variety, very rare. He may be a bit short, but he's well muscled. And such odd colored eyes. It's almost like there's a person in there looking back at you. 

"It… it just is! And I never said I liked Kenshin!" She sputtered. She didn't like me? As in she hated me, or just didn't like me in that way, or just would be happy when I left? 

"Of course you do. I like Kenshin is plastered all over your face every time you look at him." Missus Tokio replied in a patient tone. 

"Am I that obvious?" Miss Kaoru asked and my thoughts were, so she does like me? 

"Very much so. Even Hajime has noticed." 

Wow, and he's astute. Then again, looking at his marriage… 

"I think I'm attracted to him because I don't know everything," And she stressed that last word to the point where it had a heart attack and died, "About him. I mean, in this little town everyone knows everything about everyone. There's absolutely no privacy, no secrets." 

She likes me because I'm mysterious? Chalk up the bonus points there. 

"Nonsense. There are secrets all over the place if you look hard enough." Missus Tokio corrected and Lobo growled in agreement. "Would you like to know his past?" 

Oh no. Bad idea! Bad bad bad. 

"I am a bit curious." She admitted and I substituted Battousai's normal remarks with my own inferior voice, mayday mayday! Crash and burn baby. 

Again, there was that pause. "Why don't you ask him?" 

Please, no. What would I say? Oh yes, I was just the legendary killer that fought for the Confederates and won them more than a few battles? I've killed too many men to remember and am now drifting around seeking atone me? She'd ship me off faster than… well, really fast. And then she'd sic Father Aoshi on me to exorcise the demons or something. 

"Why should he tell me anything anyway? It's not like he likes me back or anything." 

What? I liked her. A lot. More than I should. Far more than I should with her cousin wanting to impale me, and Master just around the corner, waiting for me to slip up no doubt. And Aoshi, I won't even think about that. 

"You could always ask my brother." Missus Tokio suggested and I banged my forehead lightly against the wall. The only thing Miss Kaoru would get out of him was stories about how I wet the bed at age seven or ate some of those mushrooms that made me think… who the heck grows those kinds of mushrooms in their back lot anyway? That was begging for a lawsuit or lynching. 

"I don't want to see that big jerk ever again!" She declared violently. 

There was a low chuckle and it took me a moment to realize it was Missus Tokio. She snickered, "Yes, he is a bit of an ass, but he's a good man under all the alcohol and smart comments. Arguing with him only gives him fuel. Both Hajime and I know that. So does Himura obviously. You didn't hear any of us talking back, did you? Or at least not overly much. You should have seen the first time he and Hajime met. We had been married for, oh, about two years by then. Brother just wandered in and made himself at home. I thought the war had restarted and would end in bloodshed." 

There was a fondness in her voice and she seemed to be happy to remember what sounded, to me, like hell on earth. 

"Speaking of Hajime," She continued, ignoring Miss Kaoru's half protests, "You could always ask him. He and Himura go way back." 

I pictured Miss Kaoru rolling her bright blue eyes in exasperation and she growled, "Like he would be much better than Hiko. One says I'm fat, which I'm not! And the other calls me a raccoon." 

"Hajime calls everyone an animal. I do believe he originally called Misao a possum. But then he and Father Aoshi had a talk. Or, actually, they glared at each other, and he changed it to weasel." 

Well, the things you learn when eavesdropping. The ice chunk had some sense of… something, in there after all! 

"So what does he call you? It can't be worse than a raccoon." 

There was a warm silence and I couldn't help it, I had to peep around the edge of the doorway. Miss Kaoru and Missus Tokio were seated on the only two pieces of furniture in the tiny room, across from each other. Missus Tokio's face, normally set in a pleasant, distant fashion was warm. That scared me. 

"What Hajime calls me is our business." Missus Tokio said suddenly, but the smile lingered on her lips. Maybe there was far more to their relationship than I had given it credit for. Why were they so damn confusing? First she's talking about an eye for an eye sort of then and now she was blushing like a schoolgirl with a crush. Okay, well, not blushing, but she was far from unhappy about the object of her thoughts. 

Abruptly her eyes cut across the room and I jerked back. Had she seen me? Oh, I was in for it now! 

"Now, what you need to do is bed Himura. That way…" She didn't get to finish her sentence because a harsh, high-pitched woman's scream cut through the air. 

Despite the fact that I was so flustered I must have looked like a friggin' tomato, I grabbed my gun and bolted into the livingroom. Of course, if she didn't know I was there before she certainly knew it now. And so did Miss Kaoru. But I wasn't overly worried about that. I had distinctly heard a scream, although now that I thought about it, it came from outside. 

Lobo was on his feet, snarling with his murky yellow eyes blazing. 

And that's when the door banged open and Sano came racing inside. At first I was too surprised and shocked at his sudden appear to notice his was missing a few items… namely the articles of clothing that should have been covering his body. He was missing not only his shirt, not like that made much of a difference considering he paraded around with it half open all the time, but also his pants, one sock, and his red headband. He wore an utterly haunted looked and his brown hair was standing on end wildly. 

Seeing us his eyes widened. He followed Miss Kaoru's blatant stare and turned pale then pink. Hastily he tried inefficiently to hide himself before grabbing the closest thing to him. Me. Now let me say, this was one of the weirdest positions I have ever been in. Why did Sanosuke seem to have that effect on me? Whenever I was around him something perverted, or something that could be constructed as perverted, happened. 

"Eh-heh," He said, gaining his composure and running his fingers through his hair, "I guess it's not as chilly as I first thought. All that running got me quite sweaty actually. And damn, no hot chick at the end of the trail." 

**A/N: And for anyone who didn't get that, there was a cougar "chasing" Sano. Oh, and I had WAY too much fun with this chapter. Flowed from my fingers like water. Also, credit where credit is due: the "talk" was inspired by a fic called Wolf's Blood. **

Reviewers:

**MissBehavin:** Sweet title for him. Just for a bit, because he's such an ass. *gleefully snatches up the torch and burns down pottery shed* *fire hits the alochol and there's a massive explosion* O__O oops. Unfortunately, arguing with the man just encourages him -.- Yes, Aku Soku Zan the evil people. Yes, poor innocent Sou *sleepy look*. Chou and Kenshin have gutterminds (well, Chou does, and Kenshin is just too... I'm not finishing that). 

**eriesalia**: I suppose if I take fyyrrose's fanfic challenge I will have to have them butt heads, or maybe swords I guess *shrug* And yes, I can see them absolutely _loathing one another. Go Tokio! _

**Wistful-Eyes:** I wouldn't advise hugging him, who knows how he'd react. Then again, he might just be pleased and call you 'lovely' O.o Okay, freaking myself out again. Well, I couldn't exactly have him poke fun at her tomboy-ish-ness, because look at the other woman O.O;; It would be nice if she gave him anmensia or something, then again, he'd probably still be snide and caustic and tormenting and superior... shutting up now. 

**Nigihayami Haruko:** Good, I'm glad you liked it. I have a way of getting back at characters. Poor Kenshin's justice as been served. Nah, don't worry about it, I planned to bring it in, I just haven't decided yet. And I'm curious too. Overly so. 

**The Weird One2:** That's okay, I still can't guarrentee that I'll update on time *sheepish grin* but I'm trying (which is why I haven't taken it off hiatus yet). Insulting people is what he's good at ^__^. INCEST! LMFAO, okay, only in the eyes of the law *chokes*. 

**Fyyrrose:** You know that emicon on YIM? That's what I was imagining. You know I'm too poor to get ahold of something like that. It wasn't a "talk", it was a "lecture". Had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with what was wrong with my lemon. Animals love me too, but that's not to say I've never been bitten or kicked. Okay, after working at a dog kennel for two years how could I not? And working at a stable for a year... Baron stepped on my foot and Beauty *tried* to bite me, but she was a biter... And I've only been bitten once by a dog! (an insane dog named Saffy, she was skitzo I swear!). 

**Nine Fires:** Thank you very much *deep bow of appreciation* Unique... oro @.@ If you think that Hiko was too extreme you should see the original version. I tamed it down A LOT. Gack, I so suck at romance, as all the other readers will tell you. But I will try! 

**Houndingwolf:***grins* 

**Trupana:** Ah yes LotR >:) But Return of the King isn't as good as the Two Towers *waves hand*. Still, it should be awesome. Smeagol/Golum is the best *toothy grin* Besides the elf *drool*. Okay, totally off topic. We-ll, yeah, I won't comment on that, but she's obviously better looking than Kaoru ^^;; I do too *pouts* Draw her? He barely even mentioned the poor woman. That's okay, fanfiction has made an interesting character out of her O.o;; That might not be a good thing... You know your imagination runs wild when you start picturing Tokio and Saitoh singing Anything You Can Do *rolls eyes* Good luck on all your studying! 


	13. Chapter Twelve: Last Rites

Chapter Twelve

So we all sat there vaguely confused. The one who should have been the most embarrassed was now scouting around for free food. Missus Tokio had slipped out with Lobo in the confusion, to save Sano from a vengeful husband I'm sure. 

'Hey, keep your eyes to yourself.' Oro! I wasn't looking at anything! 

"Sanosuke!" Miss Kaoru snapped, gaining his fleeting attention. He looked at her with big, brown eyes that said what did I do now? As if he didn't know! 

"Yes Missy?" He asked, seating himself. 

Her eyebrow twitched, "There is a lady present and you aren't properly clothed." 

Sano looked around and blinked. I willed him not to say it! Alas, he's not psychic apparently. 

"I don't see a lady. Where is she?" Sano scratched his head and I almost felt like banging my head against the nearest wall. That's okay, what he said next floored me. "If you're talking about Kenshin that's not very nice. He does look a bit girly and all, but really!" 

'That little shit needs a lesson in manners.' I shot him an amused look. Amazing how something said so offhanded and not meant to be offensive could rile him up so much. Then again, it was always a sensitive issue for him. 

Miss Kaoru growl and smashed him a couple good ones. "I meant me you idiot and stop picking on poor Kenshin! He's not the one running around almost buck naked!" 

As she was belaboring the unfortunate young man there was a knock on the door. Dare I answer that? I envisioned an enraged Saitoh ready to kill Sano for such a trespass and me just because I was there. Or even better, it could be Father Aoshi. I can see it now. 

Tentatively I turned the knob and swung the door open. Why couldn't I smash my head against the wall again? Oh yeah, because they'd think I was crazy. 

'You are crazy. You talk to me don't you?' 

"Good evening Father Aoshi, Miss Megumi. Please, come in. We were- er…" How to end that sentence in the least incriminating way. 

They entered and of course their eyes were drawn to the battered Sanosuke. He was looking worst for wear. I guess she was really angry this time if she got through his thick head. 

"Why rooster head how is your evening going?" Miss Megumi launched. Oh boy. Here we go. 

He sputtered for an instant before locking eyes with Father Aoshi. Then he moaned in self-pity, no doubt imagining his fun, required time in the confessional booth this coming Sabbath. Instead of trying to defend himself he used me as a shield, again. I'm getting tired of that. 

"Did someone's father find you in bed with their daughter or were you skinny dipping again?" 

Skinny- eww! Isn't that illegal? Imagine, a late night stroll. Oh, what's that, maybe a beaver taking a late night swim in the moonlight. Geez, beavers don't have two legs. Too much light, too much! Well, now that I painted that disturbing image for myself… 

"No!" Sano protested. He had decided the best way to hide was not behind me, but the couch. It occurred to him that it was bigger and afforded more protection. 

Miss Kaoru, too embarrassed to have a naked Sanosuke in her house, said nothing so I decided to play host. "What are you two doing here may I ask?" 

'What are they doing together is a better question.' I glared at him. Ever the conspiracy lover. He saw plots around every corner and deception in even the tiniest of babies. 

"We heard the scream and thought someone might be hurt." Miss Megumi explained with a smile before launching into her usual routine. Yes, I have deduced that this is all for show, and she's not really interested in me nearly so much as she pretends. I don't understand why, maybe it's some private game she likes to play. "I don't know what I would do if it were you Sir Ken!" 

"You would have treated him." Miss Kaoru scowled. "And everyone is fine, but you might want to give Sanosuke a shot for idiocy." 

"What?" He yelped, "I don't like needles." 

Miss Megumi flipped her hair and dropped the 'love Sir Ken act', "I don't think there is a cure for that. It's called a birth defect, not a disease. He will have to live with it until it kills him at an early age." 

"Are you insulting my mother?" Sanosuke growled, not quite grasping what the two ladies were speaking of. 

"No, just pitying her." 

Miss Kaoru, having gotten over her mortification once she realized no one was planning to jump her, turned to Father Aoshi as if the thought just hit her. "And you accompanied Megumi over here. That was nice of you." 

'Yeah right, he rushed over to see if someone was dead. You know those Servant of God types love to do the Lasts Rites.' 

If only we were so lucky as to have it been you who was killed. 

'Hey, you'd go down with me!' 

"Father would you care for some tea? It's cold outside I'm sure." Miss Kaoru asked and I figured it had gotten a whole lot colder since he entered the room. Wait, the last time Miss Kaoru tried tea she almost broke a world record for burning water. 

"That would be acceptable." Father Aoshi replied. Mr. I Have No Tangible Personality to Speak of. 

I hope he can give himself Last Rites because if he drinks that he's a goner. 

'Do it do it do it!' Battousai howled with glee, 'She's good for something at least. No! No! Don't intervene!' 

But I had to. 

"Miss Kaoru, this unworthy one will make the tea. You make Miss Megumi and Father Aoshi comfortable." I backed out post haste and put a teapot on the stove. I hoped she would have the presence of mind to find Sano some clothing. Even if he wasn't subconscious about it, it was making me uncomfortable. Bad things tended to happen with Sano was around. 

'Hey hey! That's not what you need to worry about. So the boy spices up your life a bit, so what? The real issue is you could have had iceman's head on a silver platter and remained blameless! You must have been dropped on your head too many times as a child. I blame that ass of a man you call Master!' Battousai ranted and raved. 

Miss Megumi had settled in for round two, I was getting the feeling that her actions were targeted at Miss Kaoru. Maybe a childhood spat gone deadly? 

'Who knows, they're woman. Totally different species if you ask me.' No one did ask you. 

"So how are you faring Kaoru? Running this place by yourself." 

"Fine and the clinic?" 

"Doing well. Now, I need to speak bluntly. Sir Ken living here with you is not doing a bit of good for your reputation." 

"Hey, Kenshin's honest!" Miss Kaoru retorted hotly and Miss Megumi's eyes held a glazed, far away look. She seemed to mentally shake herself and replied, "I know that silly girl." 

"Naw, he's just too girly to act. Besides, she'll just kill him with her cooking like she did the last guy if he gets too annoying." Sanosuke snickered. Earned himself a few smacks, but she didn't have the reach. 

Last guy? Ouch, that stung. 

'Aren't we egocentric?' 

"That was an accident!" She protested flaming red. "And I'm fully clothed." 

"That's okay, I'm a guy. I'm supposed to do stuff like this. It's expected." Sanosuke replied, and having found some brandy in Miss Megumi's medicine bag was happy. 

Miss Megumi took it away from him and reprimanded, "That doesn't give you license to be a utter jerk. Besides, women are the ones who get away with the important things. Like murder for example." 

"When will you ever grow up Sanosuke?" Miss Kaoru growled, serving Father Aoshi the now done tea. Even if she couldn't cook very well she was still very graceful. Too bad he was getting the attention and not me. Where'd that come from? 

Was she referring to when pigs fly or when the sun sets in the East? 

'I think it's when Hiko goes to an AA meeting.' 

"Is the tea good?" Honestly, I didn't know what in the world to say to the man. And his cold, disinterested look was hardly encouraged. 

'Why should you care what he thinks? He's the enemy! Did your Master teach you nothing?' 

But he's a priest, I protested. 

'Stupid stupid stupid! Ever heard the term 'looks can be deceiving'? Besides, he's probably a fanatic. Those are dangerous, especially the religious ones.' Before he could get really worked up I tuned him out. I know, why didn't I do that before? It takes a lot of effort and doesn't last long. Use only in emergencies or when you just can't take it any more. Misuse is punishable by federal law. 

Sano, somehow having been outfitted in my clothing, sauntered back out. Needless to say, they were slightly small. He didn't seem to mind that the shirt was 'pink' as it has been so called. It's not pink, it's magenta, there's a difference. How he got the pants on I'll never know and I wasn't sure if I wanted them back either. His red bandanna was still wrapped around his head and someday I wanted to know the story behind that. The fishbone I didn't want to know, honestly. He was missing it at the moment and was idly gnawing on what looked like an oversized tooth pick. 

"Do you have any food Missy? I'm starved." 

"Starved for intellectual prowess." Miss Megumi growled. I guess she discovered that she hadn't snatched the brandy away fast enough. 

Sano ignored that. 

"Sano, you have a house, go live in it!" Miss Kaoru directed him. He shrugged and replied, "I know, but there's no food. Yahiko's such a pig and all. 'Sides there's a panther out there." 

Aoshi abruptly stood up. I'm not sure if he finished his tea or if he felt he couldn't take any more mind numbing mindless conversation. 

"Since no one is in need of my services I should return." He announced. 

'Stab him in the back when he walks out.' 

"Rooster head, I don't think such a big cat would even bother with such a little chicken." Miss Megumi… reassured? 

Now, everything might have ended nicely for once. But no. Fate is forever against me. 

"Miss Megumi!" Miss Misao howled blasting through the door like it wasn't even there. She bounced impatiently looking distraught. 

Battousai started and snarled, 'How the hell does she always know where everyone is? She's a spy I tell you!' 

Miss Misao, a spy? That didn't seem plausible. 

'Beware, beware!' Now who's a bit paranoid? Huh huh huh! 

Miss Megumi stood up looking mildly exasperated, "What did he do this time?" 

Miss Misao, however, was slightly distracted and drooling. "Sorry Father Aoshi! How are you?" 

"Head out of the clouds." Miss Megumi snapped, suddenly all doctor. 

Miss Misao blushed and launched, and I do mean launched, into her explanation, "Well, I'm not quite sure. He gave Okon the slip this time. You know it was her turn to watch him this evening. She wasn't all that happy about it. Said something about no way Omasu was going to get the jump on her and that He would be hers. I'm not sure who this 'He' is, but anyway. I think he was doing a panty raid. I mean, he's way too old for that, but he'll never learn! So he climbed up to the second story window and he was caught. Of course, Kamatari wasn't too happy about it. I don't know why he was in Yumi's room. But he shut the window on Jiya and the dirty old man lost his balance. He's lying on the ground, I remembered what you said about not moving him until you looked at him! So I didn't. He's not breathing too well. He's got this silly smile on his face and I think he probably saw Yumi naked or at least topless. But you've got to hurry!" 

'Does she ever shut up or did she down a pot of coffee before bounding over here like a cute fluffy bunny with a motor mouth?' Bunnies are scary. 

She wasn't done yet, just taking a breath. The girl has got some lungs. 

"He's moaning and saying he's in a lot of pain, but he does that a lot to get attention. I don't know when he really is and when he's crying wolf." Somehow I don't like that term, crying wolf. Makes me think of what kind of wolf might come. "Especially when he wants something. Sometimes he can sucker Okon or-." 

Father Aoshi put a restraining hand on her shoulder. I could almost see the headache. The poor man, so much trash from the nonsensical youth. His poor, refined brain couldn't handle it! 

'Thank God, or his minion actually.' Battousai sighed in relief. Could you call a priest a minion? 

By then Miss Misao had noticed Sano. She gave him an odd look. 

"Are those Kenshin's? Why is he wearing Kenshin's clothing?" Ah how cute, a puzzled weasel. Rather than curious I think I would have been running. Sigh. Too late now, this little town sucked me in. 

"Never mind that. The roosterhead was being himself, as usual. Lead on." 

**A/N:** Was that a long delay or what? So sorry people! Long story short: No computer time. But now I'm rocking, or close enough. I have a few more ideas thanks to my brother and a tentative ending planned. I know! An ending, imagine... I can't *hangs head* It goes on forever and ever. Next chapter will feature Sano, Misao, and Yahiko... the latter thrown in because I "ignore" him to much >:) 

Reviewers:

**The Weird One2:** It's a very impolite term probably worthy of Sano. Laughing My F-ing Ass Off. Throat, and oh yes I know. Death to the flu bugs! 

**Fyyrrose:** O.o;;; since I often go to bed before you I wouldn't think that was a problem. And I decided that's not an even trade because I really don't care if you kill her, while I do care if I kill Kaoru. And it's not that I have qualms about killing a character O__O;; How many have I knocked off/planning to offed? And I cause no trouble! I just have too many fics. It did, until I opened my big mouth! Grr. 

**Nigihayami Haruko:** Yes, jump his bones. He would have loved to have been getting it on LOL too bad for him. I may use that later, but it's a bit cliche. 

**MissBehavin:** I can see that, good thing he wasn't listening in! Not to mention he doesn't want Kenshin to stay. 

**Wistful-Eyes:** Just a bit of my know a little bit of everything tossed in there randomly. I don't laugh out loud much either although this story I read last night cracked me up because Saitoh was being a smartass and Misao wanted to kill him and Aoshi was like -__- go away saitoh. Anyway, you're not weird. And believe it or not, my family would like to put me on anti-depressants. >:) I have more cracks on Misao's weasel-status, since I've already taken a few at Kaoru. 

**Houndingwolf:** No, traditional works, it convayes the point. Unless you feel you have to be more creative. Wolf's Blood is a Saitoh/Tokio story I read about a month back: ?storyid=88452. I didn't read it on FF, but I dug it up for you ;) just don't read it if you like happy endings or want humor (we-ll I found it funny, but I find everything funny). 

Seasonal Charm Reviewers:

**eriesalia: **Excommunication! (kicked out). *considers the possiblities for an instant* X_X Maybe my imagination is too good! Sano's such a moron sometimes, but that's why we all love him. 

**Fyyrrose:** You were tripping, that's all there is to it. I kept it because you generally keep mine O__O; Were you expection otherwise? You've made it very clear you hate Kaoru and wish her dead. Sou and Hiko, the posts of sanity, I see. As for what I would do without you... The Golden Persimmon! Mwahaha. 

**MissBehavin:** Yes, he must be killed. She got tired of him, just like I get tired of my bro. You can only put up with so much crap. And I have no qualms about killing off characters >:) but since this is supposed to be light humor... :( 

**Wistful-Eyes:** LMAO, oh yes, Kenshin the hentai. Well, people don't generally think things of me that are there. Besides, despite the thoughts that Kenny is a God, he's really just a man, ne? I'm sure Aoshi and Saitoh were having thoughts too O.o;;; You and fyyrrose, I thought she was going to try to edit that last part out! 


	14. Chapter Thirteen: Grave Digging

Chapter Thirteen: Grave digging

Leading on seemed to be an arduous task. Miss Misao bounded back and forth. Even Aoshi was looking slightly glassy at her constant stream of chatter. 

"... And then I thought about elephants, but that's just outrageous. Do you think there are any more buffalo around because that would be awesome! But then there was that cougar scream... Sano, I can't believe you lost you-." 

"Misao." 

Sanosuke blinked and looked down at her, "They're not lost, just misplaced." 

"Dear Lord, I hope that poor animal didn't eat them." Miss Megumi groaned. "That would kill it for sure. When's the last time you had a bath rooster head?" 

Sano paused in his long strides. I didn't even want to know what exactly that meant. Miss Kaoru had a face on that must have been identical to mine. Miss Misao was still yapping and Aoshi wasn't paying attention, again. 

"Don't answer that." Miss Megumi cut him off as he formulated his reply. 

'Tsk tsk. Doesn't he know that cleanliness is next to godliness?' 

So that was why he insisted we wash our hair for a half hour every single frigging day? 

'Hey,' He snapped in protest, 'It was time well spent!' 

We reached the place where this old man was sprawled out. Miss Misao had sort of put the poor thing back together, but he was drooling and had this glassy look to his eyes. There was a horrid purple bow in his beard. 

'Are you sure that's not the reason Kamatari shoved him? The cross-dresser can be a tad sensitive when it comes to fashion…' 

"Wow, I bet he got a real good peek." Sano commented leaning over and prodding the body with a toe. The old man gurgled and the young man jumped back. 

'You could too if you paid.' Battousai counselled wisely. 

Miss Misao was down on her knees hollering in the poor guy's ear, "JI-YA, Jiya, wake up you dirty old man!" 

"Misao." Aoshi said for what must have been the fifth time in two minutes. He had a hand to his temple and his eyes squeezed shut. 

"I think he wants you to shut up." Sano supplemented helpfully. Miss Misao looked confused and disgruntled. She put her hands on her hips and ground out, "Father Aoshi wouldn't be so mean, unlike some other people I won't mention! Would you Father Aoshi?" 

'Let's see the ice pop sweat.' Battousai cackled and I watched with interest, wondering what the good Father would say. 'Come out with it man! And remember, lying is a sin.' 

God was truly in the man's favour because the old man groaned and the thought flew straight out the girl's head. She knelt down beside Miss Megumi, her face etched with concern. 

If it wasn't so unseemly I think Aoshi would have wipe his brow in relief. 

'I'll remember this! Damn that man and his God!' 

"Yoo-hoo, is the poor fellow going to be all right? I feel dreadful for pushing him like that, but," Kamatari pouted, some might find it cute but I only found it off-putting. "He really shouldn't have been peeking in ladies' windows." 

"Just leave it alone Kamatari." Yumi sighed in exasperation. She gave the man on the ground a mean look and a dark glower. "And just what were you doing in my room anyway?" 

Kamatari flipped his head and smiled tight-lipped, "Raiding your underwear drawer of course." Before she could retort he continued, much to my relief, "I was 'borrowing' a few things all right? Check your teeth next time you decided to bite someone's head off. I did you a favour here." 

"By sneaking into my room and rooting through my stuff?" 

I sensed a domestic dispute here. 

"No, by tossing your admirer out the window before you could come back in and undress." Kamatari paused with a devilish smile, "So now you are into old men, or is that they only type you can get? You know you are sagging a little and are not as young as you used to be. Heck you should be lucky you can still get anyone. Maybe I did you a disservice then…?" 

"Bitch." Yumi hissed, eyes narrowed. Kamatari gave a sketchy bow and something that sounded like thank you before tearing off with the enraged woman in tow. The two went around and around for a while before they settled just out of sight. 

'Hehe, maybe they're playing kiss and make up?' 

Appalled but curious I lent my super senses to the task… and really wished I hadn't. 

"You were too harsh again!" Yumi hissed in annoyance, but not anger. I could tell she didn't exercise all that regularly because her breath was coming in gasps. 

"Was I? Well, at least they think we hate each other. You didn't have to kick me there though. God made me like a man after all." 

And that was leading me to places I never, ever wanted to consider. I was having enough trouble with my own love life. 

"What do you mean Megumi, you can't be serious?" Miss Kaoru said, speaking up for the first time since we had all bundled out here. 

"I'm afraid I am." She said, rising to her feet and looking straight at Miss Misao and Aoshi, "The fall really didn't do much damage. For such an old geezer he's fairly limber…" 

"I do my sexual positions every morning, keeps me fit just in case." The old lecher interjected gleefully. 

Eww. 'Sick! He should be shot!' 

Miss Megumi shot his a dirty look, "As I was saying, the fall didn't do much damage, but it seems someone ran him over with a horse. The hoof prints are fairly deep. It's not looking good, he may die." 

"Did they hit his head?" Sano asked, poking again. "Because no one can be that old and still think they're fit for that kind of exercise." 

"Why you…" The old man started fake balling and Miss Misao ignored him, "It might have been a mercy if they rattled his brain. Maybe some things would click back in place. Like how to behave like a decent human being! Ji-ya, how many times do I have to tell you to picture me when you think of these things?" 

Blink. I must have totally misconstructed that. Did she just say… 

"But my sweet little Misao you simple don't understand…" 

"Hello, the man's going to kick off. Do you think this is the time to be doing this?" Sano intruded loudly. 

"Sagara, you are correct. Perhaps you could be useful and dig a grave." Aoshi remarked deadpan. 

Now two things happened when he said that: Miss Misao went into theatrics and Sano complained loudly. One a scale from one to ten both ranked negative five with me actually wanting to listen. 

"Jiya can't die!" "What, why should I dig the old man a grave?" 

'Live with it, he won't.' Battousai snapped at the former and sneered at the latter, 'Because he's a priest and your not, he's a good fighter and your not, he's got the affection of the one you secretly like and you don't. He's better looking, smarter, and taller than you. If only he didn't have that personality defect he would be superior in everyway. So do what the man says dog!' 

"Sanosuke! Just do it you lazy bum. I swear I've never met anyone as lazy as you are. Someday you're going to simply die and no one will notice because they'll think you're sleeping again!" Miss Kaoru growled. 

"Naw Missy, I plan to go out fighting. Not like Old and Toothless over there." Sano jerked his thumb and then looked at Aoshi, "So I'll just be…" 

"Don't you wish to save your immortal soul from damnation?" 

"What!" Sano yelped, jumping as if he had been scalded, "What sole? My shoes don't have soles and they certainly aren't immortal! What exactly does that mean again?" 

I swear Aoshi was looking for a nice, solid post to bang his head on. I'd seen that look too many times not to know. 

If at first you don't succeed try try again. 

"Sagara, if you dig the grave I will allow you to sample the ceremonial wine to make sure everything is in order." 

"Sweet, toss me a shovel!" 

'Do you think he's ever dug a grave before?' I shook my head. I'd dug far too many to count and each one bore down on me. 

Miss Kaoru nudged me, "Kenshin, you have to go with the idiot." 

I did? 

"I… I'll help!" Miss Misao said, looking only slightly freaked out. She patted the old man on the head fondly like he was an old dog looking at the end of a rifle. Makes me think of a sappy Ol' Yeller. 

'I hated that book, why'd you have to read it? Gave me nightmares for weeks!' 

Well excuse me. It was a classic! 

'Classic psychotic book! How could they?' 

Good gracious, shoot me now. 

'No! Don't even say that.' Battousai looked at me seriously, 'Do you remember Butch? Dear little Butch. They ate him!' 

Actually, no, I didn't remember any Butch. 

'Those bastards from the third division, eating out mascot like that! How could you forget?' 

Oro! 

"Why Bubbles I never meant to kill you! It was an accident, I swear. For Godsake cat I was five. How was I supposed to know you couldn't swim in a bag?" Okay, I wasn't the only one reminiscing about dead animals. At least the old man actually knew the cat he was talking about. I sure as heck don't remember Butch. Was he tasty? 

"Jiya, what happened to Pickles?" Miss Misao asked, suddenly suspicious. On death's door or not she wanted to know. 

The old man rolled his head around to look at her and grinned, "My dear little Misao, she's in heaven with my beloved Bubbles. Don't the two make a grand pair?" 

'Someone probably ate her too. Who names their pet Pickles? That's a condiment.' Battousai smirked. Wasn't he just crying over poor dead eaten Butch? 

"C'mon Kenshin! Let's go. That hole isn't getting any deeper." Sano said grabbing me. By then Miss Megumi and Aoshi had managed to get the old pervert inside. Miss Misao looked between us before bounding after the two of us. 

We were almost out of town when a brown dust ball attacked. 

'The kid needs to work on his war cry.' Battousai observed, looking acutely bored. 

Yahiko was chewing on Sano's head and the older man was desperately trying to pry him off with a shovel handle. 

"Sano you big, dumb jerk! You ate the last of the food then skipped out! I should eat you!" Yahiko bellowed and sunk his canines in harder. I wrinkled my noise. First it was dogs, then cats, now humans. Was beef not good enough anymore? Besides, Sano's hair had to taste nasty. 

"Hey, half pint, you can help since you're here!" Sano said, succeeding at last. He dropped the boy and shoved the shovel in his hand. Yahiko blinked questioning. "We're going to dig a grave for Misao's dead grandfather." 

"He's not dead yet!" Miss Misao screamed taking a swipe at him. 

Sano led the way to the graveyard with ease which made me suspect he'd been here more than once. Without any looking or ceremony he simply let the shovel dive into the hard ground. 

"Up 'n' at 'em boy. This hole isn't getting any bigger without you standing there." Sano said, addressing Yahiko. Who promptly picked up the shovel and tried to spear him with it. Apparently whatever made the women violent around here must be poisoning the children as well. 

"That's your job!" 

Sano smirked and sat down, "Misao, Kenshin, did I ever say I would actually dig the grave?" 

"Oro." 

"I'll take that as a no. Because I didn't. Now start digging Yahiko." 

"Why should I?" The brat bristled. Now don't get me wrong, I like the kid, but he was always calling Miss Kaoru Ugly and he was sort of a nuisance. Sano plopped a heavy hand on the kiddo's head and said with a grin, "Because I'm bigger than you." 

"Hey, that's not fair!" Miss Misao growled. He gave her a smirk and shoved a second shovel in her hands, "I'm bigger than you too." Then there was this look and I was suddenly wondering just how smart the youth was. The dumb ox act was looking very weak at this moment as his brown eyes roved over me speculatively, "Good thing I brought three." 

"This unworthy one doesn't suppose you would be using that third one…" 

"Nope, now get to work." 

'Don't submit. You can take him!' 

As the shovel dug into the hard soil I glanced over at the smug drunk. His eyes were carefully taking stock of the three of us and when someone would slack he was all over them. I must admit, he was showing a side that awed and annoyed me all at the same time. Who would ever have guessed? If only he would use his talents in a more positive manner… 

"Misao?" Miss Kaoru peered over before her eyes narrowed, "What are you doing?" 

"Nothing that you won't be doing if you cause Misao to leave." Sano threatened, towering over her. Before I could spring between them she shoved his chest and called over, "Misao, he's getting worse. You really should go back and…" 

Before she could finish the weasel lit out of there like her tail was on fire. We all watched before Miss Kaoru sighed in exasperation, "She could have taken the horse I brought for her." 

Sano boxed her in and she looked around at us nervously, "Kenshin, why do you have a shovel…?" 

"Since you let Misao escape I suppose you'll have to do as a replacement Missy." Sano pretended to sigh heavily, like it was wounding his soul. He popped a shovel in her hand and shoved her down into the hole with Yahiko and I. 

She tried to clamber out and he shoved her back with a foot. Again and again and again. I was getting rather dizzy. And my back was sore from that last time she fell on me. Gritting her teeth she hissed at me, "Kenshin, do something!" 

What was there to do? The guy had the advantage of high ground. Which is not to say I couldn't take him. 

'Me you mean. That I couldn't take him. You're useless!' Battousai corrected. 

Okay, which is not to say my insane alter ego could take him, slit his throat like a slaughtered pig, and end up soaked in blood… 

"Eep!" A scream came from beside me. I automatically turned to Miss Kaoru expecting her to be in grave danger… pardon the pun, and instead found a pale Yahiko. 

'Fuck, puberty gets the best of us. I really thought that it was a woman shrieking.' 

"It's- it's a skeleton." 

Sano peered over the edge before jumping down and disrespectfully crushing the decease's ribcage. He picked up the skull and started playing with it with a bedevilled grin. Placing his fingers in the eye sockets he made it speak with him in a mocking parody of life. 

"What do you expect Little Yahiko?" He turned to the skull, "As if the boy didn't know what graveyards are for." 

'Now that's just creepy.' Battousai shuddered, 'Reminds me of Hamlet.' 

Oro? He whines at me about Old Yeller, but then spouts Shakespeare? What is wrong with him! 

There was a scuffle and all of us were only slightly freaked at Sano's blatant disregard for the fallen. 

"Ghost!" Yahiko screamed, fainting dead away. Unfortunately none of us caught the poor boy, we were too busy staring for the cause of the noise. 

Miss Misao stumbled out of the darkness with the silliest grin plastered on her face. She bounced up and down, grabbed Sano, skull and all, to use him as a brace when she got too dizzy to stand properly. 

"Jiya's going to be okay! Megumi just did it to scare him into good behaviour. I think it worked, isn't that great?" 

An eyebrow twitched. Miss Kaoru hauled herself out of the grave without Sano's interference. She looked back over her shoulder promising murder for the first one of us who spoke. 

Without a word she stomped off. 

"Maybe you should fill the grave back in?" Miss Misao suggested. 

**A/N:** Needless to say, I'm not pleased with this chapter. It had to be dragged out of me -__-;;; But I dropped a few hints that could lead to a plot (OMG, NO, not a plot!) and the next chapter shouldn't be so evil. In fact, the whole chapter will pretty much be about Kenshin and his past, with a slight twist of course! As for Sano... if I can be nice to Aoshi, then I can be nice to Sano too. 

Reviewers:

eriesalia: Not intentional; already fixed on the original doc; just need to fix and upload the copy. Becoming? I think this is a long time coming X_X Saitoh demanded that I give him a break before he gave me a few, namely on some body parts. I have plans for our Dear Father Aoshi so don't worry. I just have to figure out how to make this duct tape to wo- ... eh-heh, I promise to sew it together seamlessly ;) No tape, just give me a few chapters to perfect the plot. 

**Houndingwolf:** You're welcome. Sorry, I didn't think it would cut off like that since I didn't use the h tt p or the w w w. But the important part got through. Sessha need a therapist thinks Eevee. 

**Nigihayami Haruko:** Shock value is good ;) Call the rest lots of practice with my family *annoyed look*. There are some real cards to verbally spar with ^___^;;; 

**MissBehavin:** Maybe they should just chop his hands off? That would take care of it since the jail is out of commission as well as the church X_X;; Poor Aoshi! I would never be so cruel... yet. *evil laugh* 

**Wistful-Eyes:** Hmm, as apalling as that was to Kenshin, I think that might be a nice mental picture ^___^ And Sano is only being himself -__- 

**Trupana:** Waffy? My dear, you surprise me! Kenshin has to O.o and as annoying as I find Kaoru, it *is* her house. But if you insist I'll see what I can do. Good lord, I think they take turns playing the sadistic kindergarder. I've read so many fics where the two both want Kaoru and generally think along the same lines (but with diff. methods in mind). I figured it would be more fun if the two were at odds 24/7. Megumi really got to shine, ne? Maybe I'll do a Valentine's Day special too -__- Why does that thought scare me? She's one smart cookies, getting Mr. Wonderful. Hit 'em where it hurts, take the alcohol. I toss you some fat every so often, don't say I don't! I would NEVER allow that. You see what I have to put up with? Fyyrrose is like that all the time. That's why I won't let her touch my vamp. fic. I can see her butchering EVERYONE except Sou and Hiko X__X;; Maybe he really has and just is good at hiding them. The TRUE reason he hides in the temple, hehe. Migraines are nasty little suckers, I used to get them all the time, for no reason. There's a bit more to Sano than anyone imagined...~__^ 


	15. Chapter Fourteen: Pedophobia

Chapter Fourteen: Pedophobia

'I think its ridicules that the boy won't go near horses.' Battousai muttered, watching Sanosuke give a brace of the beasts, who were quietly minding their own business, a wide berth. The owners of the mounts were stocking up in the general store. Two little girls were playing rambunctiously in the front. Both were fairly young with brown hair. 

Phobias are hardly picky. Besides, I think he'd take anything else on just for the fun of it. 

'He is rather stupid, isn't he?' 

I wasn't so sure about that. He seemed pretty smart wrangling us into doing the work for him. Miss Kaoru and Yahiko, drawn by the presence of strangers, had joined Sano in the rubbernecking. I guess most travellers didn't usually come through here, especially not with the new train station set up in Colorado Springs just a forty or so miles south of this town. 

'I wouldn't think that hippophobia could be such a big deal.' He snorted, unconvinced. 

I looked at him and retorted, It's equinophobia. 

'You're as dumb as he is! Hippo is Greek for horse.' I had to point out that phobia was Latin for fear. 'So? Boy, your Master really screwed you over royally, didn't he. You don't even know the difference between Latin and Greek.' 

But… 

'The Greeks came before; Latin was used during the Roman Era. Sometimes I wonder if you were raised by Hiko at all. Are you sure it wasn't a pack of wolves?' I protested that wasn't Rome founded by two brothers raised by a she-wolf. 'Just stop, stop. Besides, the term wolf makes me think of two of my least favourite animals that tend to skulk around this town.' 

I was about to agree, no one wants to think overly much about Saitoh, except maybe Missus Tokio, when a tall, graceful woman walked by. I was hit by nostalgia so strong I had to brace my back against the wall. Luckily, Sano, Yahiko, and Miss Kaoru were still across the street, although the three had retired to a good vantage point. 

A suspicious rattle rumbled through my mind. I shot up with a jolt and Battousai balled his fists, looking on guard. 

'Who else in here?' Battousai demanded of me. Like I knew? What, suddenly I was all knowing just because it was my body? 

A short, small figure so heavily wrapped in chains that it couldn't walk fell out of the darkness. 

Battousai crept over like the mass of wiggling, live chains were going to leap up and strangle him. He poke it experimentally and suggested, 'Let's kill it.' 

A small whimpering noise issued and I shoved Battousai aside. Kneeling down I fiddled with the iron chains wondering what sort of monster could be locked up within. Every so often the chains would shift and I could see a flash of skin or hair. Red hair oddly enough. 

'Don't let it loose, are you mad?' 

I ignored him. Someone needed my help. No, I don't have a martyr complex! I just need to help people, to lighten the load a bit. It didn't matter if the person I was helping had just crawled out of my subconscious. 

With one last yank and jerk the thick, heavy links slithered to the ground. A dazed and confused young boy stared up at me with unblinking violet eyes. Uncanny eyes that seemed to be a reflection of my own violet orbs, just younger, less jaded. 

'I hate kids.' Battousai hissed and backed up substantially. He seated himself on the far end of the chamber and eyed the child warily. 

The boy stared between us before venturing, as natural as if he hadn't just been rescued from a mass of chains binding his body, -You two look a lot alike. Are you twins?- 

'Get rid of it!' 

He's just a boy, I protested, utterly confused as to why Battousai was behaving like a frightened little schoolgirl. Okay, so I exaggerate, but he was definitely nervous. Something which I was enjoying very much. 

'Burn it, it's a witch! Or better yet, let it drowned.' Battousai growled with a darker gleam in his amber eyes. I put myself between the two of them and the boy peered around my legs innocently. 

Those are horrible deaths! I chided. He growled back at me, 'Children are horrible creatures.' 

We were once a child. 

'And look at the hell you put Hiko through!' Battousai retorted. The use of 'you' didn't escape me. Little fink, trying to squirm out of it. 

I thought you didn't like Master. 

'I don't.' 

Oro! 

'Why else would I burn his house down?' 

This was baffling. It amazed me how he could twist things to go whichever way he wanted them! 

Battousai, satisfied to have won that little sparring, turned to the kid and said in a deadly voice, 'Where did you come from? I must dispatch you and anyone else who is wandering this desolate place.' 

The child stared back and said simply with a shrug, -There are no others.- 

I sighed with relief. This was getting incredibly sticky. 

-And I wasn't hiding, you locked me up.- 

Battousai make an absentminded gesture and remarked, 'I did? Well, shit, I did myself a favour.' 

I peered at him. His behaviour just begged the questions, Why did you lock him up and why won't you come any closer? 

Battousai looked decidedly nervous and very irritated that I called him on it, 'They have germs.' 

Did alter egos have germs? That was just silly… wasn't it? With Battousai I never seemed to know when he was being serious and when he was quite happily yanking my chain. 

'You don't know where he's been. Look, look. You're touching him! What if he's carrying some sort of deadly disease.' His mouth dropped and his voice took on a wild cast, 'What if he has the Yellow Fever. He looks yellow to me, what about you?' He sucked him his breath with a sharp noise and said cautiously in a lowered voice, 'You touched him. You're carrying the plague now too!' 

I rolled my eyes and said in a bland tone, You locked the poor child up, I figured you would know where he was.' 

The child tugged on my sleeve and said in a quiet, clear voice, -My named is Shinta.- 

Now that rang some bells. I'm not sure exactly which ones and all, but they were ringing somewhere quite persistently. Maybe Miss Misao was ringing them? 

'Look, it talks. Do you do any other tricks?' 

Shinta looked at him with a serious face and replied, -I bite.- 

Oro! 

No fighting now, you two keep it clean! I yelled. The last thing I need was to have my mind turned into a battlefield. 

'You were the one checking out Sanosuke the other night. Don't you dare to tell me to keep things clean, not with that gutter mind of yours.' Battousai snapped, peeved that I had halted his fun. 

That's not what I meant! 

-Who's Sanosuke, does he live here too?- 

'He's just the guy that Kenshin keeps checking out.' Battousai snickered. He grinned and added, 'I think the feeling is mutual. 

Across the street Sano sneezed and mumbled something about someone must be calling him gay again. 

Shinta's wide blue-violet eyes turned to me and my cheeks were already starting to turn pink. He bit his lip and asked, -Don't you like women?- 

'When a guy likes another guy…' 

Shut up! You don't explain things like that to a five year old! Besides, I'm not gay. Admittedly Aoshi's got a nice butt… 

Battousai's jaw dropped and he looked at me with pity and revulsion. 'Who said anything about that mofo?' 

Don't say things like that in front of the child! 

'Please, I swear I'll never diss Sticks 'n' Bones again. Just don't ever bring up Aoshi's ass ever again!' 

Language! I prompted, You don't say those things in front of children! 

'Sorry Kenny, I'll make sure that I tone down my language next time I talk with you.' He retorted. 

Another tug on my shirt, -What does mofo mean?- 

Again, Battousai was more than happy to start explaining, 'It's slang and short for mother fu-.' 

Enough! 

I grabbed the child's shoulders and steered him away. When we were far enough away from my dirty alter ego I suggested that Shinta go play while Uncle Battousai and I had a nice chat. He nodded and immediately took control of my body. 

Something tickled in the back of my mind about how bad an idea that could be, but I shrugged it off. Shinta couldn't do any worse than Battousai. 

'You let the brat play around, but I'm stuck in a cage. Abuse!' 

So call the alter ego police, I snapped. How do we get rid of him? Don't say kill him, he's just a kid. He had to have come from somewhere. 

I was vaguely aware that Shinta had steered the body in a beeline for the two little girls. Good, maybe he could keep all three of them occupied. 

"Wanna play?" He asked with a slight childish slur. 

The older of the two stared up at him, "What's wrong with you? Grownups don't play with kids." 

"Yeah, play with kids." The younger echoed. If she hadn't been I might not have been able to understand a word that come out of her mouth. 

Shinta looked back at me and I felt absurd. I made an encouraging motion. 

"Well, I wanna play." He replied stubbornly. 

"Okay, let's play house!" 

'House?' Battousai screeched, 'What do I look like, a Daddy?' 

"You can be the Mommy okay?" Shinta nodded. 

'Mommy? Mommy! I'll show the little shit 'mommy' when I tan their little butts.' 

Can we focus here? 

"Naw," The younger one chimed in, "She should be a Daddy." 

"I'm a boy." Shinta pointed out. 

"You look like a lady. Such pretty hair." The older girl said a bit wistfully. 

Now Battousai was chuckling at me, 'They think you're a woman. From the mouths of babes.' 

That means you too. 

'That's where you are wrong, I'd never were pink.' 

As if she had heard his stupid argument, the younger added, "Ladies wear pretty pink!" 

'See?' 

Shinta, defending me and himself, suggested meekly, "Guys can wear pink." The two girls crossed their arms and shook their heads. 

'Why do you wear pink? You look like a variety of flower.' 

This unworthy one feels that pink is the only color that correctly portrays his humbleness. I replied. 

'Don't start with that shit again! I thought I eradicated it already!' Battousai snarled. He and Master hated nothing more then when I went fully into my drifter routine. 

Apparently, the pink issue settled, the girls decided to play hopscotch instead. 

Now, if I wasn't arguing with myself, I would have known that I was making quite the impression on a certain trio. 

"Do Kenshin do that often Missy?" Sanosuke asked, nudging the young woman beside him. She looked up, startled and stared at the man in the pink shirt playing hopscotch with a pair of girls, "Or just when there's kids around?" 

Kaoru's jaw dropped and his looked mortified. She opened her mouth to call out, but a large, rough hand descended, effectively shutting her up. 

"Shh," Sanosuke said in her ear before letting go with a grin, "I want to see this." Yahiko started laughing. 

"That's mean!" Kaoru protested. 

"So? There's no harm in a bit of fun." 

"I have to agree with the rooster head, this is just too funny!" Yahiko sniggered. 

"You're both cruel. This is all at Kenshin's expense. What if my brother sees him acting like this? I'd never hear the end of it!" 

"So that's how it is. Well, I don't see the cricket bastard anywhere, so I think you're safe." Sano replied, grinning, "You just don't want the jerk to get ammunition against you hooking up with Kenshin!" 

Kaoru sputtered and turned bright red, "I do not!" 

"Ugly, it's so obvious that you like him. Just ask him out already!" 

"That's not lady-like, the woman asking the man." She murmured, her head turned down so only the crown showed. 

Both of them choked with laughter at the proclamation. 

"Anyway, maybe we should have him see Megumi. This sort of thing isn't normal for a grown man." 

'Hey, you made this mess, you fix it.' 

What? This is from the man who makes messes that seem to trail after him like a lost puppy! 

Listen you, I said as firmly as I could, You don't have to haunt my body anymore than he does. Its because of Tomoe, isn't it? 

I could have struck him with an iron crowbar and it wouldn't have procured the same pole axed look. That didn't last long. Within an instant he had cut the distance between us and had his fingers curled around my throat. 

'Shut your filthy mouth before I break your jaw and wire it shut.' He snarled, his wrath in a tangible form. With a flick he tossed me away from him and stared down. 

I picked myself up hesitantly. We hadn't really talked about this before. It was almost an agreement between us, that the past was a taboo subject. Maybe, in order for the child ego to go back, I had to confront what I'd been hiding from for so long. 

'Count me out.' Battousai snarled sulkily. He turned his back to me. 

I sat down, idly noting that Shinta and the girls were now playing jacks. The younger one kept dropping the ball and she started bawling. Shinta very carefully picked it up and showed her how to do it, ever patient. 

Why was he so familiar? 

**A/N:** And Shinta was originally Rob's idea. It all started with Saitoh (as it generally does, the poor man. One time we had him the Master of Voodoo Dolls.), yet someone turned into Kenshin's kid persona. I just slapped a name to a face and let it go from there. I don't remember how old Shinta was when Hiko found him so I picked a random age X_X Heh, wanna know something? I'm almost done writing this! *does dance* I have two more chapters and an eppy, then I'm done! Makes it an even 20 chapters, and about 150 pages I bet. 

**Trupana:** First off let me say this: I got this review when I was in the middle of flagging while trying to write another chapter. Not only did it have me laughing so hard that my G-ma came in to make sure I was alright, but it encouraged me to finish the chapter! Hehe, I think it was rather clever of Megumi to scare the crap out of the old man to halt his skirt chasing (if only for a bit!). Oh yes, the vain little bugger! I wouldn't mind having his hair. Or doing a commerical and making a bit of money either X_X. Yes, something obviously isn't connected all good and tight up there! Although, Sano fits right in with the "uncivilized beasts" ne? The gum is a good idea. At least poor Mr. No Persona's head and brains wouldn't explode. I read this one fic where Aoshi went into a coma when Misao was killed and this is bad, but I was saying, that's because the silence did it! The man doesn't know what silence means. God is on the man's side, or maybe God just wants to jab Battousai? Who knows. How many times have I said 'someone up there hates me'. Something about old people and sex freaks people out ^.~ Even depraved alter egos. I agree: WRONG, very wrong. Except Misao doesn't quite realize what she's saying *pukes*. Hmm, I could mean Megumi or Misao, I'll let you construct that one up the way you want! You and eriesalia won't be totally disappointed with the ending of the fic, I promise ^__^ Battousai doesn't hate Aoshi quite as much has he does Hiko or Saitoh, especially Saitoh. Sano's just unfocused, undisplined, and totally wild. I think if someone took it into their head to knock some sense into him they might actually find a diamond in the rough. Homophones are great, aren't they? They have got to be the most numerous grammerical error that I can actually catch! The one that kills me is: Damn and Dam -__-' If you don't know the difference then you're not old enough to cuss. Hated Old Yeller, I'm with B. Hehe, you got my veiled reference to the Shinsengumi ^^ Guess who was head of that division? Aoshi's a man who seems to get what he wants (when he's not having a midlife crisis). Sano, washing, and eww. *twitch* I doubt Yahiko is much cleaner. I think anyone repeatedly falling on you could get mightly heavy, but actually she weighs about as much as my little brother (90 something pounds). That's what she gets for being short! (what was it, 5'1"). >__ **eriesalia:** The two Vs of a Battousai's life. He had to get something from Hiko, even if it wasn't intentional. No Shishio. I considered him, but that idea didn't pan out well enough. *grins* I don't know, they took stuff like that very seriously back then! Especially if he were a dedicated priest. 

**Houndingwolf:** Would it scare you if I said I'm considering becoming a Shrink? We'll see how I like Psychology class anyway. Drool and obsess away. Hmm, that works! 

**MissBehavin:** Hehe, maybe, but I think Saitohs' Ranch is next on the hitlist @.@ or maybe Kaoru's kitchen? That movie seriously scared me, and this is AFTER I watched & read Cujo by Stephen King. 

**Fyyrrose:** Sano would make a horrible overseer! Except for the motivation part X_X Although I can't see him as sadistic cruel. Free bait indeed, one of us will start someone and its up to the other to twist and pervert it. B has depth! Besides, most of Shakespeare's plays did involve blood, guts, betrayal, incest, war, and just a dash of love. Who wouldn't like him? *sweatdrop* Let loose the dogs of war! Etu Brute. Unsex me! My knowledge is a bit more limited than his unfortunately. Mr. Buttmunch will come back, twice in fact, before I'm done ^__^ But I think you know that by now. YES! He just picked it up, thought it sounded cool, and spit it back out much to the shock (and outrage of B) of everyone else. Do Sano know how to read anyway? I suppose he'd gone to school, at least a few grades, but it goes back to that growing up parentless thing X_X Who's to say he has to go to school if he doesn't want to? Since I didn't speel out a past for him, you guys can assume it ran somewhat similar to RK. Feh, you take Kaoru and soon you'll want Misao, and then it will turn into a habit. Be happy with CHB and the rebel food slave ^^;;; in BSR for now! 

**Wistful-Eyes:** Yes, but then it wouldn't be fun (and gross) to use the old lecher in those situations. 


	16. Chapter Fifteen: Part Two of 14

**SPOILERS: If you don't know what happened in Trust/Betrayal, and would actually like to _see_ the OAVs first (unlike me ^__^) I don't suggest reading this chapter. It's not exact, due the the place and the nature of the Civil War, but I does follow the general story line.**

Chapter Fifteen: Part Two

I had to go back, way back. Back before the afore mentioned Tomoe and even before Master. Back to when I wasn't an orphan with an uncertain future. 

I was born in the deep South with my two parents. They weren't big plantation owners or anything. They owned a modest plot of land where they grew a scanty combination of cotton, indigo, and rice. The land was swampy mostly, and warm. 

I don't particularly remember them or the land, this is from what little Hiko told me. How he knew I'll never figure out, but he seemed so certain. Anyway, my parents were taken by cholera, leaving me to the care of some distant relatives. They were kind, treating me as their own, especially my three aunts. I lived with them for a mere week before their house was burned to the ground and everyone slaughtered. I would have died also if Master hadn't come along. 

'Too damn bad.' Battousai snapped, still in a tiff. 

I thought you weren't going with me on this trip. 

Ignore him, this is my story. He doesn't come in until later. 

About Master, well, what can I say? He was as he is now. It doesn't seem to matter what age I am. How annoying. 

'Very.' 

Anyway, I stayed and trained with him for a while before I got it into my foolish little head that I needed to fight in the war. Yes, I called myself foolish. It was a mistake, I'll say that much freely. The fact that Master was right is the only part about admitting something like that, which galls. 

Being born in the South I didn't know any different. Having been secluded for most of my life, I remembered little of society, slaves, soldiers, or anything else for that matter. But once you choose a side there's no turning back. 

In my ignorance I allowed my skills to be drafted by the Confederates. Like any hot-blooded American, I'm sure you're shocked. Unless of course you are a Southern, then you seem to think the war continues to this day, even during Reconstruction. 

I didn't particularly realize I was fighting for slavery. For me I was fighting against the heavy rules of the Yankees, convinced they would ruin the South with their high-handed ways. Which they did, but that's not the point. 

Now understand, I'm giving the watered down version. If I dwelt on every single instance or situation that lingered in the grays of my past I'd probably not stop for a long while. As it was, I was under a time constraint. Shinta needed to be returned and I was sure Miss Kaoru would get nosy eventually. 

There was a loud grunt of disapproval from the corner. 

Why does he hate Miss Kaoru so much? I'm getting to that, patience! 

I was a dedicated fighter, and maybe that's when Battousai started to gain strength. The man has always been a part of me. I'm sure you have little alter egos that belong to you as well, however small. Heck, I didn't even know or remember little Shinta existed until he was freed by a random thought or memory. 

We eventually came to a truce, but that's not an issue. I never cared for the killing part of my job anyhow. Battousai is merely a man. He lusts for life far more than I do. Or maybe not more exactly, simply in a different way. Now I'm getting all philosophical, I apologize. 

I was hanging around camp since I didn't care for the other activities the man indulged in. Seen as a man yet still such a child. Women didn't call out to me exactly, despite the fact that I was amidst a sea of raging hormones. Master's fault. His flawless drumming of my head led to blinders. I was focused entirely on my mission. Gambling and brawling was foolish and a waste of time in my disdainful opinion. I still think as much, but the years have lent me some tolerance. Hence I haven't incapacitated Sanosuke yet… yet. 

I hadn't had much contact with any slaves. Well, none really. They weren't allowed to serve and I rarely ventured onto plantations. 

Until one evening that is. 

When I met Tomoe she was running for her life. Amazing right? Sweet, a damsel in distress. Kenshin, go save her! Well, I don't think she'd entirely appreciate that. 

'Damn straight she wouldn't.' 

Any thoughts of a nice, timid damsel were slashed up when she calmly turned and slit a pursuing dog's throat. The beast, a trained killer, fell with a chilling snarl. She ignored it and kept running. Straight into me. Which didn't work too well considering how short I am. Like a stumbling block. 

Her eyes widened slightly, but she made no move to try what she had done to the dog. I had been engaged in a fight just moments before and realized she was spattered with the blood from my kill as well as her own. 

Well, you know what happens next right? The chick faints, the hero rescues her, and they live happily every after. Not a chance. 

I had never seen a black woman up close, let alone in my arms. I simply couldn't take her back to camp. After all, she quite obviously running from somewhere. Not to mention that there would be more dogs. 

Against my better judgement… 

'Whoever said you had good judgement. If you so much as think what you were going to say I'll kill you.' 

Oro? 

I spirited her away, satisfied? Even so, my commander found out. He was a kind man who saw people as equal. He wasn't endorsing slavery, perhaps he was as blind as I was. Instead he fought to keep tradition, to keep the South. It's deep culture and economy and the people who lived in it. 

He would have invited her into camp, a move that surely would have gotten him in trouble. However, he felt guilty. Guilty for using one so young and guileless as I was. Before he got the chance the Union troops struck. 

It wasn't the first time I had met Saitoh. Too bad it most certainly wasn't the last. I'm not here to harp about our rivalry or his bloody past. Besides being rude, I simply don't want to talk about him. This is my story, not his. You want to know how many people he slaughtered, go ask him yourself! The point was: we were on opposing sides. Hence the hostility that seems to be between us. Well, not seems, is. 

My superior urged me to withdraw; the South was on the retreat. I took Tomoe with me. Honestly, what was I supposed to do with her? She was uncomplaining as ever. I wondered if she was so reserved because she failed to trust me still, I wouldn't blame her for that. But it didn't seem like that. At the time I wasn't sure, I hadn't known her long enough, but looking back I realized it not only was part of her upbringing, but also her nature. 

We did as ordered and hid away. What happened there… 

'Stays there. There is nothing to tell so move on.' Battousai snarled, turning a feral amber gaze on me. I shrank back. You simply have no idea how sensitive he is about this whole thing. Well, it is sort of private… 

'And none of anyone else's goddamn business.' 

I was there too! 

'A mere spectator. You were the one locked up at the time. I can arrange for you to take another tour.' 

Point taken. 

You heard the man, private and off limits. Not all that starts off badly ends so badly, however, this totally wasn't the case. Apparently Tomoe's old master had decided to return. I didn't know it at the time, but the whole escape had been a set up. A trap. 

Tomoe was free, as was her husband before he died. By my hand. 

I understand revenge, although I have never partaken in it. I understand drive, rage, lust. Perhaps I simply understood all the darker aspects of human nature. How she could ever love me… 

'Again, moving on!' Battousai snapped, not bothering to warn me as his fist punched my shoulder. 

Well, after that I returned to the war, but it wasn't the same. I couldn't keep fighting under such false pretences. Not when I knew the truth. So I was a bit jaded. Saitoh and I met on several other occasions, all with crossed weapons. It seems odd to be living with him in the same town and never having come to blows. 

Aoshi, I met him all of once, but we never fought. Still, we were on opposing sides. He takes that very seriously I know. I wonder why he isn't still with the group. As far as I know they were still in favour and protecting the new president. Perhaps the war wearied his soul as it had so many others. We were both so young. But that is the way of the world. 

"Hey, Kenshin!" Sanosuke yelled. I blinked and looked at him. 

Wait a second here, I'm in control of my body? 

I looked around and called out a few times. Shinta never replied. Of course, I'm highly embarrassed to say that it took me so long to recognize myself. Then again, the years change a being. Time never stands still and neither do people. They change, adapt. Experience grows with them and morphs them into something different. Heh, such a lackadaisical view of the world. 

"Ken-shin." Uh-oh, that tone. What did I do this time? I did a quick mental check. Insulted her cooking, no. Insulted her looks, no. Insulted anything about her, no. Ignored her, no, just Sano. "Why are you playing ring-around-the-rosie?" 

"Oro?" 

I looked down to find my hands clutched by two happy, eager children who looked slightly dizzy. 

"Kenny! You're supposed to fall down!" 

"Fall down, fall down!" 

Obligingly I feel on my butt. 

Miss Kaoru hauled me up and with a sweet smile said to the pair, "Kenny has to come with me to see the nice doctor lady. Have fun on the rest of your trip." 

Doctor… lady… crap. 

I was frog matched over to the clinic. Miss Megumi didn't look surprised to see me being dragged by Miss Kaoru with Yahiko and Sano in tow. 

"Is Sir Ken hurt?" Her eyes traveled over every inch of me, "I don't see any injury." 

"This unworthy one is just fine!" I replied slightly indignant. 

"The shorty has gone bonkers." Sano supplemented helpfully. He was leaning against the doorway making no secret of the fact that he wasn't here to support me in the slightest. His interests quite obviously lay in other areas. "He was playing with a pair of runts." 

"Maybe Sir Ken, unlike other insensitive men, cares for children." Miss Megumi suggested with an arched brow. Ouch. 

"But Megumi, you didn't see him out there!" Miss Kaoru protested then looked vaguely ashamed and guilty for telling on me. "It was like when he spaces out, but worse. Then he started playing like a real child. Even his speech reverted." 

Hello, the he was still here! So what if Shinta had some fun, does that make me a nutcase? 

Miss Megumi gave a look to us men that said, get out now if you value your parts. We hastily complied, even Sano. Of course, that didn't stop us from pressing our ears against the door in hopes of hearing something interesting. 

"Kaoru," Miss Megumi started then paused seeming to collect her thoughts, "You should have a bit more trust in Sir Ken. As I understand it he fights inner demons. I've treated many soldiers. War breaks men and women are required to fix them. Time and dedication are necessary for healing an injury of any sort, especially those of the mind and heart. Humans are the most irrational creatures on this earth." 

Miss Kaoru made a sound, well, a cute, confused noise anyway. 

"Sir Ken cares for you, and it's obvious to anyone who has eyes and half a brain that you care for him. All I ask is for that his sake that you give him the benefit of the doubt. The legendary Battousai is hardly an ordinary man, but a man he is." 

Thump. Silence. 

"Ohohohoho, I suppose she didn't know he was the Battousai." I could envision the fox ears now. 

Rolling my eyes I rushed in, properly playing the doofus. The infuriating woman just smirked at me! 

Miss Kaoru's eyes opened to my concerned, violet ones. A shocking sight maybe, but did she have to scream and push me away? 

'Yes.' 

Okay, so now he was speaking in monosyllables. Maybe he should see Miss Megumi instead. 

'No.' 

"Are you alright Miss Kaoru?" 

Her eyes narrowed and mine widened. Why did I sense a serious butt-kicking coming on? I didn't bother to even talk my way out of it. The whaling of my life coming from a slip of a girl. 

Once she was finished venting her fury and I had answered the enviable question of 'why' she looked down shyly. 

"Kenshin, I'm sorry." 

I swear, everyone's jaw dropped. 

"I should have beaten you harder!" She growled and I decided to beat a hasty retreat much to the amusement of the brothers and a fox doctor. 

**A/N:** -__-' I don't know whether to dance jubilantly and say 'And then there were three!' or continually smack my head on the keyboard. I have two chapters left, but one could get seriously sticky and fyyrrose has refused to help. I'll manage I guess. Get it done this weekend. No killing me for putting Kenny on the South! I considered what to do with him for at least a month (I have nothing else to think about, really). Side note: This chapter, as depressing as it was, was written to the Songcatcher Soundtrack. Very beautiful, songs from about the same period in the US, just with the Rocky Mountains. They're also pretty much about death, love, and affairs (my fav ^.~). 

**Reviewers:**

**Houndingwolf:** That sounds cool. I think that's be interesting to do, as long as it wasn't one of my dreams being analyzed. They scare me x_x Cute lil kiddie ^^ 

**MissBehavin:** LOL, nope, he's er, having troubles at home >:) You'll see. Next chapter. He'd have to move in with Hiko! Oh boy, wouldn't that be fun? It's like throwing two rabid dogs in a pit and seeing which one climbs back out alive. 

**Wistful-Eyes:** It would be cute, but slightly distrubing I'd think. Watching someone you thought was of shaky sanity before... oh, wait, I should stop talking about myself again ^__^; I don't have any children alter egos tho. No excuse when I go out to play. Yes, my dum- er, lighten! I'm finishing up my Pokemon story too. That just leaves BSR to work on (a task unto itself -__-'). 

**Fyyrrose:** Good day Eris, how are you enjoying your new residency? I imagine it's rather crowded with all you gals in there. As for Kaoru's head, yo no comprehendo ^___^; yo no hablo espanol o francis o italia either. Eh-heh, thankies on the correction to my Caesar, that was way back in 10th grade. 

**Addiction**

**Fyyrrose:** Apparently, yes I have. I've gotten so many interesting reviews from this story LMFAO They either think I'm stark mad or a hidden genius X_x I can't believe I did fluff and crap either. I'm like a real-life female version of Aoshi in that respect. Not a romantic bone in my long, thin body. I probably won't. It will go to the back of my mind like that lemon challenge. I'll only remember it exists when I go digging for something in my RK folder. Did you find it? I don't think I ever read the end of that story ^__^; but I know I read it! Good luck with no internet >:) Remember, if you chuck the computer out the window and it kills someone below that's still involuntary manslaughter. 

**Wistful-Eyes:** I've never really done one on her POV either (Res. doesn't really count). *snickering* I don't think I ever mentioned the medication she was addicted to. It wasn't opium, but laudanum is in the same family of opiates and laudanum was used as a painkiller until morphine was boiled out of it somewhere in Europe in the 1800s X_X. Hehe, also heroin and some poppy-derived material that's put in your cough syrup are in the same family. That's why if you take a drug test it can be messed all to heck by mere cough syrup. As you can see, I did my research on that sucker ^__^; 


	17. Chapter Sixteen: Cooking and Cravings

Chapter Sixteen: Cooking and Cravings

'So how did she know?' Battousai pressured. After a good night's rest he was back to his lovable self again. 

I didn't ask. 

'Like she'd tell you anyway.' Battousai snorted, 'Sometimes I think Megumi is the smartest person in this whole town.' 

Sano banged open the door looking around eagerly for some free breakfast. 

'And he must be the dumbest.' 

Yahiko followed in behind. The two brothers seated themselves and looked up expectantly. I guess they could tell that I had made breakfast this morning. A small victory, considering Miss Kaoru insisted that she needed to make a cake. 

'Someone must have told her. I bet it was Hiko. He likes the ladies a bit too much sometimes, and did you see them at the Christmas party?' 

That's because they were making a bet. 

'So they say.' 

Master would never betray my trust like that! 

'He tells embarrassing stories about you wetting the bed to anyone who will listen. What's that in comparison to you being the Battousai?' 

Good point. But it was a bit extreme for even Master. 

'What about that smiley kid and his freak companion? They know more than they're telling I bet.' 

I rolled my eyes and retorted, Do you see a conspiracy in everything? 

'No. What about Aoshi, I told you not to trust a priest!' 

Now that was just ludicrous, utterly. Aoshi had done absolutely nothing but his job. Battousai was the one trying to strangle him, not the other way around. 

'You should have let Horse Girl poison him.' 

Enough. 

Sano said around a mouthful of eggs abruptly, "Hey Missy what are you doing?" 

"I'm making a cake!" She snapped back, trying to open a bag of sugar. With a tear and a rip the whole bag tore spilling the white crystals everywhere. They raced across the floor in a mound that covered Miss Kaoru's toes. She glared down. 

Now, I'm a slow learning according to Master, however, I learned well enough from Christmas that I shouldn't offer help when she thinks she can handle it. My head was still very sore from yesterday. 

"On the floor?" Yahiko pressed and earned a resounding smack for his mouth. 

"Are you sure-." I started and earned a flat stare. Maybe I was just suicidal since I'm already seemed to know better. She sighed and explained, "Kenshin, if I can't even bake a cake by myself how can I run a ranch." 

"This unworthy one meant no insult. Everyone has their talents." I said soothingly. 

"And their pitfalls. Yours is just cooking!" Yahiko added, earning a dirty look from myself and Miss Kaoru. Sano bopped him on the head, "Kenshin almost convinced her to let him help and you go ruin it!" 

Miss Kaoru turned to me with 'the look'. You know, the one that says, is that true? Because if it is I'm going to do so much damage to you your own mother won't even recognize your ugly mug. 

"Ah, your chocolate is bubbling." I said meekly. She whirled around to remove the offending creation and tried desperately to scrap the burned on substance off. 

"You didn't answer me Kenshin." I stared at her. What was the question again? She started to sniffle and her eyes filled up with tears, "You laugh at me just like everyone else, don't you!" 

'I hate crying women. Shut her up.' 

"Miss Kaoru, I do not laugh at you." Okay, so I had to drop the unworthy one, but truth be told? I didn't know what exactly to do with a crying woman either. Even Sanosuke looked ill at ease, well, before he started stuffing his face again. 

She turned her back to us. Was it something I did? Her hands were shaking and I saw my death in a mere instant as she picked up an egg. With just a bit more effort than she should have put into it, she slammed the oval hen's egg into the edge of the counter. Instant results. Yolk splattered everywhere in the near area, coating the surfaces a sticky yellow. The shell flew across the room, sticking to Sano, Yahiko, and I. 

"Missy, that was my food!" Sano complained, carefully picking the shells out. Who knew he could be so finicky? Yahiko just ploughed right through. 

"I'll never get this done in time." She moaned, then brightened, "I know my mother once told me to speed up the cooking time I should add more baking soda to the cake...or was it baking powder? Oh well I'll add both, that way I can't go wrong either way." 

Yahiko's mouth dropped and he echoed what I was thinking, "Do you want to kill us all? That stuff's like gunpowder!" 

"Who asked you anyway? Besides, how would you know? Do you bake cookies in your free time?" Miss Kaoru snapped. 

"Shit Missy, even I know better than that." 

She turned on the big mouth and growled, "Do you want to bake this cake?" 

"Nope, not really." 

"Then be quiet you free loader!" 

"When the oven explodes, don't say you weren't warned." Sanosuke shrugged. I wondered if it would. If so, why was he still here? 

Miss Kaoru managed to get the sugar and the butter in the same bowl with two eggs. I didn't look too closely, but I think I'll be careful how I chew after it's done. She mashed and creamed the mixture with vengeance, the wooden spoon snapping. She tossed it over her shoulder, narrowly missing Yahiko's head, and snatched up another. Three spoons later she was finished. 

She mixed it nicely with the crusty chocolate and set the bowl aside. Too bad it was so close to the edge. She reached over the bowl to pull out some flour out. The bowl spun and ignoring her look of horror took a dive over the edge. Maybe it figured being on the floor was far better than being in reach to such a madwoman in the kitchen. The batter's opinion, not mine! 

Miss Kaoru, in surprise and disgust bent over to retrieve it, totally forgetting she had her hands clenched around the open container of flour. Poof! The soft, off white substance floated around serenely, like strange snow. It rested on every available surface, clumping where the batter and egg splatters lay. 

Brushing some of the powder out of my eyes I surveyed the now white kitchen. This was looking dire. Maybe I should have stopped her. It would have been a sacrifice well worth it. Now I would have to clean this mess up. 

Miss Kaoru almost looked like she would sink down in defeat, but alas she is a stubborn woman. Catching her second wind she looked at me with narrowed blue eyes. 

"Oro?" 

"Kenshin, I need you to go to the store and pick up some more flour." The unspoken part was, Kenshin, I need you to go to the store and pick up all the ingredients I just spoiled, but I'm too proud to say it. 

'I'd rather clean up after her than eat the crap she calls cooking.' 

"But Miss Kaoru-." I really didn't want to waltz around town looking like a poorly made Halloween ghost costume. 

"Go!" 

"I think we should reopen that grave little Yahiko." Sano grinned, "Because I pity the poor sap who eats that cake!" 

The three of us practically ran out the door, just missing being clobbered by the lobbed kitchenware. 

"Whew, I thought those thongs had me for a moment there." Sanosuke sighed in relief. Yahiko nodded in agreement. The two branched off from my path, heading towards the bath I suppose. Lucky turds. 

I tried to brush myself off, but the white substance clung stubbornly to the egg smattering. I was so occupied with my current fashion crisis I hardly noticed when a hand slammed into my forehead, pushing me back. 

Looking up into the gold-yellow eyes of Saitoh is not something I see every morning. With a yelp I leapt back. 

"Good morning!" I tried cheerfully, earning a bleak scowl. He looked down at me with the look of a man on death row, "I fail to see anything good about this morning." 

I just gave a silly smile in response, which earned a questioning look. 

"Miss Kaoru is baking a cake, that she is." 

"She's baking?" His eyes narrowed, "And you allowed her to do this. You truly are mad." 

Rather than agree and appear the traitor I had to ask, "What are you doing out. Shouldn't you be getting ready?" 

He practically snarled at me, "No." 

'Touchy.' 

"My wife is having cravings. For chocolate." Saitoh expounded in an unusually open manner. He looked like a dog at the end of its rope. Should I direct him to Aoshi and suggest he ask for forgiveness in hopes that the pregnant woman won't take revenge? "Unfortunately, someone bought all the chocolate left in the General Store." 

Gulp. 

"But Miss Kaoru-." So the wrong thing to say to him. I must really be off my rocker. Bad big mouth bad! 

His face took on a sinister cast and I backed up suggesting, "She's your cousin? Blood is thicker than water?" 

"She is, but you're not." 

Oro? 

'Are you really as dense as you always pretend? He wants to knock your block off buddy.' Battousai supplemented with an interested look. 'Let me have a go. I'll take care of this.' 

"Er, what kind of chocolate?" I stuttered. 

'So you let the kid have control but not me? I see how it is.' 

Saitoh gave me a piercing look and replied, taking a deep inhalation of his cigarette, "Does it matter? Tokio wants chocolate, I am required to fetch it. A simple equation." 

Before I could say how desperately sorry I was that his wife had gone psychotic on him and creep off his words stopped me. 

"Since there is no more, you are going to help me find some." 

My face must have reflected pure terror at that thought because he allowed a thin smirk. I backed up thinking fast. Or as fast as my terror stricken mind could go. 

"But Miss Kao-." He cut me off with an impatient gesture and replied coolly, "Is the cause of my troubles. You are the amend to that effort." 

'Let the bastard do it on his own. Or better yet, follow him and laugh when he fails.' 

There was a time in a man's life when he has to put his foot down. Bracing myself, and boosting my courage with the thought of Miss Kaoru's rage if I didn't return in a timely manner, I said firmly, "No, Saitoh I-." 

He grabbed me by the shirt and yanked me along behind him, "Has my cousin put it in her vile concoction yet?" 

Would he kill me if I said yes? 

"What about the supply wagon, it's due in today right?" 

"Delayed, for two weeks." 

Not good. 

'The poor sucker.' Battousai chuckled gleefully. 

Saitoh turned around with an indefinable look. If I didn't know better I'd say it was desperation, anxiety, and anguish all rolled into one. A look that most certain had no place on such a powerful man's face. 

"I am not going home until I have that chocolate!" 

'He can't go home until he gets that chocolate.' The slight, sadistic alter ego of mine corrected. 

Now, I won't go into the hell that followed. Seriously, trying to block it from my mind. We did get the chocolate, so we'll skip ahead to someone else's hell. 

"Tokio, I brought you some chocolate." Saitoh snarled, tossing the package at her. She caught it and tore it open expectantly. She looked at it, then us. Carelessly she set it down on the table. 

"I wanted white chocolate, but that doesn't matter now. I want seafood. And some pickles." 

Saitoh's face twitched, "You do know that we are thousands of miles away from any body of salt water." 

She marched up to him and stared, "I want seafood." 

Saitoh sighed like a man with a terrible burden. 

"What are you waiting for? Move!" That statement was punctuated with a shoe thrown at his head like a tomahawk. He dodged and she continued in a reasonable voice, "You put this monster in me, you can at least do your best to make it happy." 

He ground his teeth. No wonder he wouldn't come back without the chocolate. Pregnant women are ogres. 

'That's because they create children, inherent evil.' 

"Do I have to move in with my brother just to get the proper treatment?" Missus Tokio threatened. It struck a nerve. 

"I'm getting your food." Saitoh snarled. 

Missus Tokio gave a bright smile, having made her point, "That's much better. Don't take too long!" 

Saitoh hauled me up by the scruff, "You heard her." 

"But Miss Kaoru-." 

"Himura needs to stay and make sure I'm protected while you're gone Hajime." Missus Tokio said, hauling me back. 

"But Miss Kaoru-." 

Saitoh opened his mouth and Missus Tokio cut him off, "Or maybe Himura can be a dear and get my brother for me." 

"But… but Miss Kaoru is expecting-." 

"Don't worry, she'll be here later." Missus Tokio assured me with a pat to the head. I shook my head and tried again, "That's not-." 

"Stop complaining, you're worst than Hajime!" What? I am not. 

"I'm getting your food woman so shut up." Saitoh growled, clearly annoyed beyond belief. 

"You're back already? But I don't see any seafood or pickles…" 

"I haven't left yet." 

"Oh, then could you pick up some apples?" 

Twitch. 

Deadly calm voice, "I thought you wanted pickles and fish." 

She pursed her lips like it was the most obvious thing in the world, "No, now I want some apples. With some sharp cheddar. That would be nice." 

Saitoh stalked out muttering under his breath, while she turned to me. I had to get through to her that if I didn't return to the ranch with the requested supplies that my life wouldn't be worth living. 

"Missus Tokio, this unworthy one needs-." 

"Hajime, can you get some sourdough bread too?" She called out the window as her husband swung up on his saddle. 

"Is that all?" 

"No, but it will do for now." 

**A/N: The next chapter is the Baby Shower *evil laugh* and there are three more chapters and an eppy. Don't worry, it will end happily... well, mostly. You know what my family said when I said that? My brother said it was a great show of restraint on my part -__- and my aunt said, really? That's so not like you! **

Reviewers:

**Houndingwolf:** ^^ 

**MissBehavin:** Ooo, I was afraid someone might be. Hehe, don't mind all the cracks on the South okay? I don't mean them (except the part where the Civil War is still going on). I lived in South Carolina for three and a half years! Now I hail from Bloody Kansas. The South is the most interesting place I've ever lived (moreso than even Italy). Where are you anyway? Saitoh's in BIG trouble, as you can see. Chocolate is not just chocolate to a preg. woman. There are *types*. 

**Fyyrrose:** I'm very sorry Eris (thinking, oops, let's not piss the goddess off yet...). She's been taking shots at the poor man the whole time X_X See, if Kaoru ever tried to hit me I'd be forced to take the wood away, plant my feet and swing it like a baseball bat at her collarbone ^_______^ She wouldn't be swinging that sucker anytime soon, even if she tried her left arm. The hips are too dense, otherwise they would be ideal. As for the A/Meg, shut up! Don't encourage them! I've just gotten them to back off @.@ 

**Wistful-Eyes:** She shouldn't. I think he should beat her back ^^ I'm all for go-females, but he shouldn't let her do that! Ah yes, Megumi has her sources and apparently she feels safe enough to stick around ne? 

**Nigihayami Haruko:** Sadistic? I'm hurt ^__^ Oh, and Battousai said if anyone lays a finger on him they will lose their arm X_X He doesn't want to share, the meanie! Nice little twist eh. Oh well, that's over a done. I hope that was an acceptable past for you >:) 


	18. Chapter Seventeen: Baby Shower

Chapter Seventeen: Baby Shower

I answered the knock at the door and was promptly smacked in the nose with something hard and unyielding. 

"Kenshin, you ditched me!" Miss Kaoru screamed. She had a cake tucked under one arm and the present clutched with the other. I'm assuming I got whacked with the present, but since this was Miss Kaoru's cake we are talking about, I can't totally be sure. 

"This unworthy one…" 

"Skip it." She snapped at me and walked directly into the kitchen. Time to put plan Save the Guests into action. 

Before I could take a step away from the door there was a knock. I opened it to find a very irate Saitoh loaded down with what looked like every single food item that had been in the store. He slammed past me, giving a slight nod before I could even ask. Okay, so maybe I would just play doorman and he could take the risks of being caught. Actually, that sounded like a wonderful plan! 

Just as I sat down to play usher the door was knocked on again. It became a handy pattern. I try to sit down, they knock, I get up, they come it, I try to sit down… 

Soon everyone was there except… 

"Stupid student." Master greeted me. 

'Hey pompous ass.' Battousai replied in the exact same tone. 

He swept past me and I turned just in time to hear the dreaded words: I want chocolate cake. 

"I brought one!" Miss Kaoru said infinitely proud. 

"Great!" Missus Tokio replied, already waddling towards the kitchen. Those cravings must really be something if she was willing to eat Miss Kaoru's cooking without a single second thought. I just hoped Saitoh had implemented the switch in time. 

Everyone watched with bated breath as Tokio nibbled on the cake. She smiled and closed her eyes happily before taking a large bite. Her manners digressed from there but I think everyone was too stupefied to notice. 

"She's going to abort the baby if she eats any more!" Sano yelped. A very concerned opinion indeed. However, it was one that shouldn't have been expressed in front of Miss Kaoru or Saitoh. 

"What are you babbling about boy?" Master sneered. 

"I watched that cake being made!" Sano paused when that didn't sink in immediately and tried another tact, "Missy's cooking is killer, literally!" 

Master took one large step over and snatched the rest of the cake out of her hands. Missus Tokio stared at him and said in a deadly voice, "That was good. And it was mine! Give that back if you value your life dear brother." 

Master smirked, "I don't think so." 

Now, I'm not sure who was more surprised when she jumped him: Saitoh or Hiko. Of course, the rest of us had our jaws brushing the floor. 

'She did warn him.' 

"Perhaps she will kill him too." Saitoh remarked darkly. My mouth was threatening to snap in half with the strain, "Your wife is murdering her brother!" 

'Great isn't it!' 

Missus Tokio had retrieved her cake and was happily licking the last of the icing off her fingers. By then the rest of us had, cautiously, taken our pieces. 

My fork hovered uncertainly over my plate just in front of my mouth. I could feel Miss Kaoru's eyes on me. With a silent gulp I shoved the mouthful in and chewed. A sweet flavour invaded with no eggshells or lumps. 

"Hey, this is really good Ugly!" Yahiko spouted and shoved it in her mouth. Miss Kaoru puffed up and I shot a grateful look to Saitoh. He acknowledged it with a frown, but I could tell we both had the same goals in mind. One: All of the guest must leave alive. Two: Making Miss Kaoru happy. 

"Darling, you simply must open presents next!" Kamatari cooed, giving a gentle hug. If Saitoh was distressed by it, he gave no sign. 

Miss Megumi, who had showed up with Aoshi and Yahiko, was eyeing Kamatari's present as if it were a poisonous snake. Her own was a rather large package, all neatly done up to perfection. 

"So what did you get the baby Kamatari?" She asked slyly. 

Kamatari smiled and flipped his short hair sweetly, "Nothing too extravagant." 

Miss Megumi frowned and said, "Really?" 

"Oh no, nothing is too much for a bundle of expected joy." Kamatari explained in the most syrupy voice you can imagine. I practically choked on the tone. 

'Are you sure he's a guy? Only a chick could pull something that sappy off.' 

"Surely you can tell me?" 

"Now now, you need to wait for Tokio to open it." Kamatari said waving his finger around airily. He gave a slight smile and sat down primly next to Aoshi. Miss Megumi looked slightly disgruntled. 

Miss Kaoru, who was sitting next to me, whispered, "Megumi hates to be out done and so far Kamatari has shown her up every time. It's creepy. And she's very touchy about it." 

'Women.' 

By then Missus Tokio had picked a random gift out of the stack and was gingerly unwrapping it. The paper was plain and unembellished with no bow or ribbon wrapped around it. 

"Why thank you Father Aoshi, it's beautiful!" She held up a nicely tailored christening outfit that could be used for either a male or female baby. 

'Tasteful.' Battousai commented then looked freaked, "The man has taste? We're surrounded I tell you!' 

We already know Aoshi has taste, remember he decorated the church. 

'Right before it burned down!' Battousai chuckled. I wondered if he'd feel the same way about it when we are drafted to help rebuild. 'I know, he's got to have a woman helping him. Oh, such a naughty priest. It can't be that ermine chick…' 

Weasel. 

'Same difference. Anyway, I bet it's fox lady.' 

But he's a priest. 

'You're too trusting.' 

And she likes Sano. 

'So you think. Has nothing I said gotten through to you? He's gay.' 

Speaking of, the young man decided to try his luck and charms. After he sneezed of course. Sounds like some nasty allergies. 

He handed over a rather perfect little rose over from behind his back with a large grin. Missus Tokio accepted the blood red flower and sniffed. She smiled and said in a false, sweet voice, "Why thank you Sanosuke. I simply couldn't have gone out there and picked myself a rose from my rose garden." 

He blushed bright red, but the grin never left his face. Yahiko jumped on his head screaming something about being such a cheapskate and an embarrassment to nature. 

Miss Kaoru wasn't going to let it go at that. I think she thinks she's a big sister to the pair because she sure does like to berate and boss them around. She planted herself in front of Sano and put her hands on her hips. "Tell me you did not just walk up without a gift, with the intention of free food, and hastily pluck a flower out of Tokio's flower garden." 

"Okay, I won't tell you then." 

"You're such a… an insensitive jerk! I can't believe you did that. It's one of the lowest things… Grr!" 

"It's the thought that counts." Missus Tokio interjected and Saitoh said something about morons. 

The next few gifts were ordinary baby things. You know, bottle and clothes and stuff. Miss Kaoru gave a basin to wash the kid in, practical of her. Yumi, Chou, and Soujirou presented a highchair. The few other guests that I didn't know very well gave nice, simple gifts. 

It wasn't until we got to Katsu's that there was a problem. Now I'm not sure why the man was even invited because when he was around things tended to blow up, but I suppose he was Missus Tokio's friend of sorts. The two seemed to get along very well anyway. In fact, so did Katsu and Hiko. At least Master didn't call him demeaning names all the time. 

Sano looked at the rattle and raised an eyebrow, "It's not going to blow up when the brat shakes it, is it? Because that would be funny." 

'Hilarious.' Battousai agreed. 

Katsu shook his head and rolled his dark green eyes mockingly, "Sanosuke, I have taste… but tell me Tokio, does the rattle have a blue band around it?" 

"Why?" Saitoh asked, suspicious. 

Katsu shrugged, "Does it?" 

"No, it's red." Missus Tokio replied puzzled. 

"Good, just checking. I store my most potent gunpowder in the one with the blue band." 

"Just checking? Shit man, you could have blown us up!" Katsu shrugged and replied, "Maybe some of us." 

Missus Tokio ignored the little banter between them and moved on to the nicely wrapped present from Kamatari. I swear everyone leaned in subconsciously to see what sort of miracle the cross-dresser could produce. After all, he had been dead on with everything else. 

The paper peeled away to reveal a basket of rare, imported delicacies. Certainly not something one could find in the little town. This must have come from Colorado Springs, by train. There were several types of chocolates, all wrapped up in colourful foil, as well as some exotic fruits along with several good-sized wedges of cheese. There was a few types of bread and some hard candy that looked like peppermint. 

Sano whistled, impressed, "What a haul!" 

Missus Tokio jumped on it like a rabid dog and started tearing. When someone offered to help her feral growl was enough to warn them off. Only Saitoh and I exchanged relieved glances, the rest just stood stunned. 

Kamatari smiled with good humor, pleased that his present was such a success, and winked at Saitoh, "In order for the baby to grow up strong and healthy he will require both parents, eh, Saitoh?" 

Saitoh scowled. 

Missus Tokio, oblivious to the world, the presents, and the guests had the presence of mind to thank Kamatari profusely before dragging her prize to the back room. Good lord, was my mother like that? Were all pregnant women like that? Doesn't make me want to have kids anytime soon. 

"Hey, old man! Open the rest of the presents why don't you?" Sano called out with chocolate cake smeared all around his mouth. 

"Moron." 

Saitoh gingerly picked up Miss Megumi's present and meticulously undid the wrapping paper. I could tell she wanted to give the man a piece of her mind for being so damn tidy. When the paper finally fell away to reveal a crib everyone oohed and ahhed, while Saitoh commented it was just another stupid thing to assemble. Obviously not the reaction she was searching for. 

'Moving on… I'm sick of the jealous woman bit. I'm sick of them period.' 

That's quite a change of tune for you. 

'They get so gushy and crap around babies. It makes me want to hurl.' 

Saitoh paused when his long, gloved fingers ran across Master's gift. He picked up the box and shook it, I suspect searching for something deadly to pop out. Whatever it was banged around, but nothing unusual happened. 

"Master!" The reproach flew from my throat, beating out all the other comments, "You don't give babies guns!" 

"It was a gun or alcohol, and I don't share my brandy with anyone. Especially not the child of my enemy." Master replied. Beside the gun was a small clay animal that looked suspiciously like a cringing wolf. 

'So you give the child of your enemy a gun to shoot you with instead? Great plan! Makes total sense.' 

There was only one present left, mine. 

Saitoh gave me a look that said, this better be good or I'll skin you. I'm at the end of my patience, I'm an anti-social wretch, what do you expect. I'm sick of you, I'm sick of your Master, and I'm sick of all these people invading my house. 

He picked it up, but didn't shake it this time. Instead he picked off the paper with the same grace he had the others. The things you pick up at Christmas as a child. Missus Tokio came back out looking a little more like her usual self. She seated herself on the floor next to her husband with some effort and looked up. 

He handed the box down to her silently and she tore into it dragging out a nice, little brush. She cradled it with a sweet smile before setting it down next to her. 

"Thank you Himura, it reminds me of the one I had as a child." 

"I got a crib and she cherishes a brush and some food?" Miss Megumi muttered, but she at least wasn't glaring at me. Kamatari on the other hand might want to watch himself for a while. 

There was a bang at the door and Miss Misao struggled in. There was something wiggling in her arms and she kept giggling. Lobo was trailing her with a sullen look to him. 

"Sorry I'm late people. I just had to make sure everything was alright with this little guy." Miss Misao said as the black bundle tumbled out of her arms. The creature make a sharp, high pitched noise and shook its head, "Isn't he cute?" 

'As a giant rat.' I shuddered. 

"What is it?" Sano asked crinkling his noise. 

"A puppy!" 

Now Lobo didn't seem to like this puppy, not one bit. The little beast scampered around curiously. I looked closer and noticed the tan markings on the puppy's chest, face, and legs. His brown eyes were filled with play and curiosity. 

"Oro, a Doberman Miss Misao?" 

She smiled, "Yes, his ears aren't cropped yet. I've been calling him Aoshi…" Slight pause, "But I know you guys will change it." 

"It kind of looks like Father Aoshi." Sanosuke snickered and Battousai couldn't resist joining in, 'I always knew he was a little lap dog.' 

The puppy had spotted Lobo skulking in the corner. With a gleeful yip it darted forward ready to play. With a howl like he was being skinned alive, Lobo scrambled back. The puppy stumbled over his own feet in pursue and tumbled into Saitoh's leg. He looked down with a slightly amused expression twisting on his lips. 

Bending over he grabbed the puppy by the scruff of its neck and held it at eye level. The puppy squirmed and gleefully tried to wash his face. With one swift motion he tuck the puppy under his arm where it settled immediately. 

"I think we should name him Butch." Missus Tokio suggested. 

**A/N:** GAAAAAAAAAAAAWD, I finish this and have it down to two stories and suddenly it's back up to four! The sequel to Res. and Shoulder Angels and my poke and BSR! School was boring. Very much so. But it's making me change my update times, sorry. I can't do reviews on Friday morning then run and catch the bus! So new schedule: Sunday and Thursday. Hope that works out okay. Not that it matters since this one is almost done. I hope to have a special insertion featuring Aoshi conceling "family problems" in a safe place. I'll try, but if I don't get it done by Sun. I won't put it up because it won't fit. 

Reviewers:

**Houndingwolf:** Sugar is good! *starts humming I've Got the Power* Yes, she does a good job of it too. 

**MissBehavin:** That was based on my own cake making experiences. My cake didn't explode though X_X and I didn't break any spoons. She did want it, just not when he had it. Murphy's Law... or is it the law of the Preg. Women? Buying out the story works I think. Sweet, but you know why I was suddenly like O__O Some of the people down there are fanatical nutcases. So you're about an hour and a half from where I used to live. Altanta is evil ^^;; I'd like to go see Savannah this summer. 

**Nigihayami Haruko:** Thankies, I thought long and hard (don't listen to a word I say about things like that). You are welcome to do some slapping, I won't stop you. I also don't have insurance on rampant characters, so if you lose an arm can't pay hospital bills. I take no liablity. Perfection? O__O Oro! 

**Wistful-Eyes:** I have no clue. The last one I was around was when my sister was still in the womb, that was 11 years ago. I was only 8. 

**Fyyrrose:** You shut up! Do I have to find some duct tape? Pickles and ice cream. Well, I don't know if they had ice cream back then, but I bet Italy had gelato! As she said, it's his job and responsiblity now. He just needs an effective counter-argument to that claim. Empty handed is a death warrant X_X Poor Kenny, that's all he ever is. The man never gets a break. Kaoru's cooking could do that I think. Kill us all I mean. Don't say things like that about the cake bullets! You'll give me ideas. I never did use the fruit cake as a weapon. Makes me think of Charlies Angel, how she makes those muffins and they throw them as weapons ^^;; You're not warped, just bent... in several impossible ways and bear no resemblance to the original human model. You shut up again! I'll work on that eventually... seriously, I do have one planned. When I have more time. A mini-story. Eris, I don't think that would be good... the world is already overpopulated. If women were popping out babies at that rate... Those children, the poor poor things. I would make a decent mommy >:) if my dog is any indication. 


	19. Extra: Aoshi's Interlude

Extra: Aoshi's Interlude

Aoshi paced the room in slow deliberate strides. He wasn't cut out for the chaos that was about to occur in less than five minutes. He wasn't a fearful man, or a coward, but the thought of being locked in a room with several angry people from the town was chilling. Being a priest was supposed to be a peaceful and gratifying experience and a safe career choice. Then why, why God, was he doing this? 

The door creaked open and he turned around with slow dignity. What he wanted to do was shove it shut and bar it. If they destroyed his office there would be Hell to pay. Literally. Defacing holy property. Not that you could really consider his new, temporary office holy, but he had spent hours getting it to the way he wanted it. Things had to be to perfection. 

Katsu glanced around and sighed in apparent relief. He slipped in and looked over keenly, "Where do you want me to sit Father? I would prefer to be as far away as possible." 

As would I, thought the good Father. 

Instead of answering he ushered the young pyromaniac to a seat on the far side of the room. When the man's fingers started wandering towards his pockets Aoshi glared. There would be no playing and teasing with matches in his office. Not after what happened to the church at Christmas. 

"You know Father, this could be worse." Katsu said, apparently needing something to do in the idle time. Aoshi despised people who talked just to talk. Hear their own voice was more like it. Which was why he had an intense disliking for one of his "guests". 

"I fail to see how." He remarked dryly, making sure any stray papers were tucked away and there were no large, heavy objects in reach. Having homicide by bludgeoning in his office would hardly do well for his reputation. 

"Well, considering that…" Before he could finish two more of the "guests" showed up. Kaoru was looking rather confused and annoyed at the same time. Aoshi assumed she had no idea why she was really here. What a treat. She would find out soon enough. 

"I guess we're early Kenshin." She remarked to the pathetic husk of the Battousai. His violet eyes swept the room and he made a murmur of agreement. Even if the woman was clueless, Aoshi would bet the drifter had an excellent idea of the misery that lurked. 

If Battousai weren't so attached to the young woman he would have high-tailed it out of there. Who in their right mind wouldn't? 

The pair took their seats, and unlike Katsu, looked like they could actually keep their hands to themselves. Aoshi hated people messing with his things, it was a serious peeve. Almost up there with chatterboxes. 

"So…" Katsu said, fiddling with a folded piece of paper. His long, tapered fingers wound deftly around the sheet and Aoshi wanted to reach over and pluck it out of his hands. Couldn't the man sit still even for two seconds? His little movements might as well have been full-blown pacing. 

The door banged open and a large man strolled in. Aoshi gave an internal groan. This was the massive root of his, and everyone else's, problem. Seijurou Hiko was the most egocentric creature the priest had the misfortune to have ever met. He showed no respect to anyone, least of all a lowly man of God. His tongue was sharper than most kitchen knives and his superiority complex threatened to overflow his sturdy frame and drowned out the little town. 

Aoshi had little patience for such inwardly focused people. Aside from his own inner conflicts, which he resolved on his own time, he felt he was a well-balanced individual. At least he could keep his insults in his mind. New York wasn't the most polite place to grow up, but you got along. The big man's callous indifference to the rules of society was an irritating thing to him. 

"So that lowly dog hasn't showed up yet. It's just like him to be late!" The man boomed and slouched comfortably in a seat away from the happy couple and more towards the bomb maker. 

"Master," Battousai said humbly, something with irked Aoshi to no end. The fact that anyone would sink to that level, especially that legendary Battousai, was disgusting. "It is still ten minutes early." 

"But I am here, that means it is time now." The man shot back with his skewed logic. 

He would survive this, he would! He had survived the war among other things. He was happy and adjusted with people he loved and who returned the favor. Not exactly a family per se, but still. He wouldn't snap and kill them all. No, he'd just listen and pretend to be pleased then as soon as they were gone he'd mediate. Nothing like some alone time. 

"Hiko, maybe we could play some cards…" 

"No." There would be no gambling under his roof. 

"But I'm bored. And besides, I don't see why I'm here." Katsu mumbled and Aoshi realized that the anti-social bomb maker seemed to really be quite chatty today. He liked him the other way better. Some would say the time the young man spent alone was bad and it fostered certain tendencies… but it suited Aoshi just fine. One less lack wit he had to deal with on a daily basis. 

Finally the last two arrived. Saitoh looked annoyed and it was obvious his hatred and loathing for his brother-in-law. His amber eyes glittered ever bit as dangerous as a cornered wolf. Tokio, on the other hand, looked relieved that everyone had shown it. This little get together was her idea. It made sense, to make peace between her family members before the baby came. But did it have to be so painful? 

The two sat down with Tokio beside Kenshin and Saitoh on the edge, closest to the door. Aoshi remained passive, but no one was going to escape from the room if he could help it. If he had to suffer then so did everyone else. 

"We have gathered here to have a safe and mediated zone to speak in to resolve some issues and differences peacefully. Everyone may share their opinion. This is meant to be non-threatening and encourage way to express feelings and misgivings about certain situations. This is not to be used as a bashing session on someone however you may bring up points you dislike about them. That said, who would like to begin?" 

Katsu twisted a matchbook in his hand and looked up with deep green eyes, "Can I go now?" 

"No." Aoshi considered telling him that if he couldn't leave then neither could Katsu, his little bomb-making friend. Instead he chose to keep his words of pity to himself. 

Meanwhile, Hiko was already working himself up, "Safe? Nothing in the world is safe. Especially not when that worthless man has impregnated my dear, sweet sister." 

My my, what a loving brother, Aoshi thought to himself. Controlling. 

The dear sister in question looked peeved, but that might have been because she couldn't fit comfortably into her chair with her round, bulging belly. She looked up at Katsu, "I want all of my family to be in harmony, and you dear cousin, are part of it whether you want to be or not." 

"Then why are my stupid student and his horse-girl here? Last I checked they weren't related to me. Thank God." Hiko snorted and Aoshi considered whether that was something to be thanking God about. There were worse people to be related to, by blood anyway. 

Kaoru, predictably, turned red with rage and cast about for something to beat him bloody with. Aoshi was supremely glad he had put everything up and out of reach. It was like being in a room with a group of rowdy, unruly preschoolers who were adult sized. 

"Miss Kaoru is family, that she is." Battousai soothed in his silly, obnoxious way. 

"What about you stupid student?" Hiko challenged. 

Those big, purple eyes blinked slowly. Once… twice… three times before it finally got through. "This unworthy one does not know." 

Tokio, having gained her seat by now and her wits, interjected smoothly, "Mister Himura is practically family already. He simply must be here." 

"Oro." And then there was that stupid word. It was more annoying than his silly, witless smile. Infuriating actually. And it took quite a lot to tick Aoshi off. He liked to think of himself as cold and logical, with ration to spare. 

Whatever Hell was like it couldn't be worse than this. And it was only going to go downhill from here. 

Might as well get it rolling so it could crash and shatter when it hit the bottom of the mountain. Hopefully the pieces would be large enough to reconstruct. Blood was so hard to get out of the carpet. 

"May we proceed?" He paused and continued, following the basic guidelines for negating moronic sessions like this. Why couldn't these people figure it out by themselves? He had none of these problems. Never mind that the reason was he was so anti-social that sometimes he'd disappear for days during the week. "I sense a lot of tension and anger." 

Saitoh looked unimpressed by that assessment, but he glanced over at his wife and kept his mouth shut. Hiko, however, had no compunctions about slurring that statement with his oh-so-clever wit, "Where did you read that, a crystal ball? Good observation Mr. Sensitive." 

Aoshi ignored that, "My job is to help guide and direct you through your talk. I am not a buffer nor a shield." 

"Wonderful." Kaoru said and he almost couldn't tell she was being sarcastic. 

"I know that no one wants to be here, but can we try to get on with this?" Tokio said reasonably. Hiko looked her over and stood up. "Where are you going?" 

Hopefully off a cliff, over a waterfall, and down on some sharp rocks. 

"To get a drink. Woman, you cannot expect me to sit here and listen to this dribble without some alcohol to hold me over!" He protested and procured a large jug of some sort of liquid. Taking out a shot glass he poured himself some and threw it back. 

"This is not a bar. I will have to ask you to put that away." 

"What? No way, I'm leaving!" Hiko shouted. Saitoh looked pleased at this development and Aoshi most certainly had no protest. However, the women had different ideas. 

"You are not going anywhere brother dearest! Sit your ass down right now!" Tokio snarled. She almost looked like she was going to haul herself up and enforce that order herself. No one could see it from the angle they were at, but Aoshi observed Saitoh's hand clamp down on her thigh and pin her there. 

Hiko seemed to consider this was his superior intellect and decided to humor her. Aoshi was sure that even Battousai, Saitoh and himself combined couldn't make that man stay if he didn't want to. 

"You better stay!" Kaoru lectured, looking furious. 

Saitoh gave a cynical snort at the absurdity of the picture and said, "Or what? You'll feed him some of your home cooking?" 

"This unworthy one likes Miss Kaoru's cooking, that he does." Battousai piped up. The man was sick, just sick. Aoshi, having being on the receiving end of such matter, you couldn't really call it food, never wished that on his worst enemy. 

Tokio started to talk, but then her face twisted in pain and she bent over. Saitoh, despite the cold appearance he worked so hard to maintain, gave a worried look and spoke in her ear. She brushed him off and tried to straighten up. 

"Nothing, it was nothing. The baby just kicked. He's a strong boy, like his father and uncle." 

"Are you certain you wish to continue through with this foolish idea?" Saitoh asked gruffly having returned to his former position. 

She looked around and Aoshi decided to add his weighted words. Anything to get out of this potential blood bath. 

"Perhaps this is too stressful for you at the moment." 

"No, I'm fine." She assured them, keeping her hands on her stomach. 

"Missus Tokio, maybe we should…" 

"Himura, what part of 'I'm fine' did you not understand?" She growled and he backed off. Damn. She wasn't done yet either. "No! We will sit down and become a real family! If we cannot work out our differences here, I'll make sure that everyone will be living under one roof until we are a family. Myself, Saitoh, Katsu, Kenshin, Kaoru, and Hiko all together." 

The horrors. At least he wasn't included in that list. Aoshi was certain he was never so relieved in his life to not be included in something. 

He was a private person. What he did on his personal time was his own business. Living with other people would seriously put a halt to his extracurricular activities and hinder his mediation. Not to mention the serious itch to slaughter them all springing up every five seconds. 

"She means it." Saitoh warned, looking grim at the prospect. Hiko merely smirked. Battousai had gone ditzy and swirly-eyed. Kaoru was looking quite shocked. Katsu was eyeing a high, small window probably gauging how fast his slim body could slither out of it. 

"Yes I do. Every single word and for as long as it takes. So you people need to decide how you want it to go." Tokio gritted out. 

"Chose wisely, yet remember the Commandment: Thou shalt not kill." Aoshi added, really not caring if they paid attention. What were the chances anyway? He bet none of them could even name the first man and woman. 

"Yes Father, but accidents do happen and no one can be held accountable." Tokio replied unruffled. 

"Stuff the religious nonsense! I can't live at your house Tokio, what about my own?" Kaoru snapped and Aoshi's fears were realized. What a heathen lot they were despite his teachings. 

"Then well shall have to wrap this up." Aoshi submitted and was met with hostility. 

Battousai's meek, calm voice cut through the anger, "Can we not act like the adults we are." Suddenly all the hostility was redirected and doubled. 

"Act?" Hiko scoffed, "All of you are poor actors, the only real man here is me. When you stop behaving like spoilt brats I may decide to speak at level with you." 

Aoshi observed Kaoru gaining her plank. Blunt wood meant no blood if she did it correctly. Unfortunately, Battousai was holding tightly to her wrist despite the fact she was pummeling his sandaled feet with her booted ones. 

"Perhaps, since you have much to say, you should go first Hiko." Aoshi said summoning calm. That was asking for a death sentence, letting the man go first, because they would all die of old age before he got to the point. But if he didn't have him go first the brute would be offended and disruptive. 

"Very well. My good for nothing brother in law, knocked up my sweet and innocent sister. He has no job, he is not even a real man. He is whipped harder than the stuff horse-girl calls mashed potatoes. That's only the start of the problems around here…" 

Saitoh was grinding his teeth and now it was Tokio who was holding down his lean thigh. Interestingly enough, the pair seemed united on the front of not allowing their significant other to kill the insolent man. 

Now, Aoshi would be interesting to see what exactly would happen to the man. With the exception of Tokio, everyone else seemed to merely tolerate him. Someday the town rowdies would go on a witch hunt with some torches. As a man of the cleric he should discourage rather than advocate such behavior. However, at the moment he was inclined to support the would-be rabble-rousers. Or was that too much to ask? 

"You see Father, my nephew will need some real guidance. I fear deeply that without my help he will turn out to be a weak sissy like his father, or heaven forbid gay like my stupid student." Hiko growled, continuing his complaints without even taking a breath. His tone and pitch never changed, he just rolled on like a low growl of thunder. "I mean you know how that is viewed by society nowadays, and Saitoh is as weak as they come, but then no one could be as prissy as my stupid pupil. I mean come on, just look at him!" 

"There are only three people that I can respect here. One being myself, the second my dear sister, and the last is my cousin Katsu. Although, perhaps, I should teach him how to blow people up correctly, that way we would not be in this situation." 

Aoshi remembered the referred-to incident quite well. He still wasn't satisfied with Misao's explanation as to why she was on the wrong side of the bars. He almost felt like a parent dealing with the young girl, although he was only a decade her senior. 

"What?" Katsu mumbled sleepily. Having heard his name he woke up just enough to look around blurry eyed. 

Hiko decided to reiterate his rant for the young pyromaniac's benefit. "You should have just blown up that good-for-nothing and this wouldn't even be taking place! But I should have known, if you want something done right you have to do it yourself. Never fails." 

Aoshi agreed with that. At the moment he was considering doing something himself that wasn't very holy. 

"I wasn't trying to kill anyone. Just severely maim that prissy, no-good, evil cross-dresser. The spawn of Satan! Some fucking teddy bear!" Katsu fumed and for good measures spat out several words he could have only learned from his long association with Sanosuke. 

He looked up and blushed. Everyone blinked and time seemed to unfreeze. Personally, Aoshi considered Katsu correct on all accounts, although he had a very different reason to dislike the cross-dresser. 

"Then I'll have to make sure that the cross dresser and half pint are together when he uses you as a teddy bear." Hiko mused out loud. 

"Never again God damn it to fucking Hell." Katsu snarled viciously and slammed his slim fist on the table hard enough to make Hiko's shot glass to jump. Aoshi was afraid he was going to lit a cherry bomb and shove it down the man's throat. Then jump up and even the score against Kamatari. 

"Perhaps you should seek private counseling for your hidden aggression." Aoshi suggested then mentally slapped himself. He wasn't a shrink, but if people were going to start coming to him like this he was going to start charging. 

Tokio seemed unimpressed at the fantastic display of temper and annoyed at the sidetrack, "Now back on track! We don't want to be living together, now do we." 

"Maybe I should. Then I could be assured that your son will be raised in a proper fashion." Hiko preened and Aoshi was appalling. He didn't know much about babies, and Misao could hardly be called a child anymore, but he knew that leaving that man with a kid was a seriously bad mistake. Look how the Battousai turned out after all. 

Tokio almost threw her hands up in the air, but changed her mind when she tugged on something and winced. Aoshi was considering if he should ask Megumi to look in on her. It wouldn't do to have the woman start birthing in his office. He was sure that after birth was just as nasty and clingy as blood stains. 

"Saitoh, please speak now, before I must agree with my brother on this one. We are not able to work anything out at this rate." Tokio threatened and Saitoh gave a low sigh. Aoshi got the feeling that the Wolf was tired and losing. The pregnant woman's energy, will, determination, and stubborn nature seemed limitless. 

"I could shoot him." Saitoh offered without any humor, sadistic or otherwise. 

Battousai in all his sensitivity and pacifism immediately jumped in, "That's not what this is about!" 

"Talking please, and not of killing someone." Aoshi reminded subtly. 

"Why should you let the inferior male speak? We have come to the conclusion that I shall be the one raising your son as the male figurehead of this family. There's nothing more to discuss." Hiko, who apparently decided this in his head all by himself, announced grandly. His declaration drew either blank or hostile stares. 

"That's blasphemy in a chapel." Aoshi remarked, referring to Saitoh's remark still. 

"But we're not in a chapel because some slacker let the church burn down." Hiko said, regarding Saitoh. 

"That was not Saitoh's fault, that it was not." Aoshi was inclined to agree. How was the lean sheriff supposed to know that people couldn't even behave themselves on Christmas Eve under the eyes of God? 

"Horse-girl is more of a man than my pathetic brother-in-law." Hiko snorted. 

"I'm not a horse!" Kaoru screeched, being the first one to snap under the pressure. Aoshi wasn't surprised. The man could push anyone's buttons. He should have been a politician or a lawyer, or a con artist. His talent was going to waste. 

"Is his turn over?" Kaoru half howled, half pleaded. Aoshi was inclined to grant her wish. This was getting tedious and taking fair to long. It was like pulling teeth without anesthetic. 

"Are you finished speaking Hiko?" 

"You don't ask! You tell. Who is in charge here?" Kaoru snapped, long gone from the world of sanity and rational. 

"I can never be silenced, ask the stupid boy of a pupil. I have said my peace, but I will not refrain from making corrections while others speak. I am nothing if not honest. I will accept nothing less from others." 

"Very well, who would like to speak next?" Not like it really mattered, it was only going to get worse. Aoshi knew Murphy's Law. 

"I will." Kaoru fumed. 

"It would be best to learn that women are to be seen and not heard." Hiko interjected and Aoshi shot him a look. The girl hadn't even gotten in more than two words. 

"Master, it is Miss Kaoru's turn." Battousai admonished and smiled at her encouragingly. 

"Shut up brother dearest." Tokio snapped, nibbling on one of Kamatari's presents. 

"Since I'm not really in the middle of this little spat I don't see why I have to be here. But anyway, that man over there is the most disrespectful, arrogant ass I have ever had the misfortunate to meet." 

"This is not a mud pit, please refrain from slinging." Not that he was adverse to such low methods. Means did justify an end, most certainly. 

"Let her spew her lies." Hiko sniffed, uninterested and most likely not even listening. 

"He can't seem to shut his flapping mouth and he's rude to everyone, even his sister! Why can't he just go back to his hole in the ground and stay there? Then we only have to see him twice a year at Christmas and Easter! I think we'd all be much happier and I know he doesn't like people. That much is very obvious! He has the social manners similar to a chimpanzee in a zoo! I just don't see how a nice person like Tokio could even be related to him." 

"We can't choose who we are born to." Saitoh remarked with a grim look. It was most likely only the third sentence he had uttered since his arrival. Aoshi wasn't pleased to be outdone in the category of held council, but he had no choice in the matter. He was mediator. 

"Are you finished?" 

"Not a chance!" Kaoru frothed and Aoshi realized she was really upset. Oh well. Better she work it out where there were no heavy, blunt objects. Unless she wised up and realized that the chairs, while made of wood, had a nice heft to them. 

"He does nothing but slam on my cousin, who doesn't deserve it at all! Hajime is a very upstanding man who at least works for a living rather than playing with clay and leech off family members." 

Aoshi considered her sudden switch to the man's first name. That meant she was taking this all on a personal level. This could get exceedingly ugly. 

"And then you turn around and make fun of Kenshin! What has he ever done to you?" 

"This unworthy one did burn down his shack…" Battousai offered, but his voice was lost in Tokio's sudden, outraged boom. 

"Who do you think you are to be bashing my brother in such a manner!" She had switched sides amazingly fast, and Aoshi realized her position was far more precarious than his own. She actually had a personal interest invested in this mess. Obviously she was tired of treading lightly and waking the line. "I'll have you know that my brother was the one who financed this town when he first came! He has lived a hard life so that you Miss High and Mighty could sit here and bash him! He has done so many things for other people for nothing at all. Not even praise or thanks…" 

Now that one was hard to believe. 

Kaoru's mouth was hanging open from the shock of the sudden assault and Aoshi, in the interest of keeping limbs, asked, "Are you finished?" Kaoru continued to gape and Aoshi gave a nod at Tokio, "Yes then. Go ahead Tokio." 

"My parents were slaughtered by bandits when I was a baby, and Hiko was a young boy. He raised me on his own, and when he was older he needed to go out and become stronger, but that's beside the point. Hiko lives in solitude because he has paid his debt to society many times over. We live in troubled times, and my dear brother only wants to see that my son is strong and well taken care of. Although Hajime thinks he could do a good enough job, I fear that he would not be able to show my son love." 

Aoshi stole a glance at Saitoh. The man looked like nothing was happening, although the priest would bet, if he were a gambling man, that his mind was going a million miles an hour. 

She whirled on Battousai and Kaoru, "Hiko is very disappointed with Himura, because he became weak again. Himura wasted my brother's precious time without even a thank you over the years. If my brother seems arrogant, I don't blame him. Try doing so many things for so many people, and never get a thank you in return! I would be cold too if people like you didn't show any mannerisms, you all are no better than prime apes... dried pineapple chunks." 

"Oro." Was the soft mutter from the back, but no one else spoke. Not even Hiko surprisingly enough. 

"I hope that was... enlightening." Aoshi said finally really thinking to himself about how that was more than he ever wanted to know about any of them. "However, that is what we are here for. To discover and understand each other." 

No one commented when Tokio exited the room in search of food they were too scared to. 

"Battousai, would you like to go next." 

"Uh… no, this unworthy one…" A well-aimed elbow to the stomach corrected him, "Er, Master is a good person?" 

Saitoh raised an eyebrow cynically. 

"It's not just me we are talking about, but if you insist about talking about me go ahead." 

"Shut up you!" Kaoru snarled at Hiko. She was starting to catch on to the chairs. Aoshi would have to be more careful. Time to head this off, "It is not your turn Kaoru. I trust you can be silent. 

"But Missus Tokio is right, he doesn't see what he owes society. That's not a good thing, that it is not. Humans need society." Battousai paused before treading on thin ice, "But he could be nicer to Saitoh, that he could. The two of them are in this together whether they want to be or not. Perhaps in the interest of Missus Tokio and the baby they can..." 

"What?" Saitoh asked, a thin smirk crossing his lips. 

"Oro?" 

"Speak boy!" Hiko snapped, as if the Battousai were a dog. Maybe he was, calling Hiko 'Master' all the time. 

"Stop behaving like idiots?" Kaoru and Katsu's jaws dropped before both started to laugh. Aoshi had never heard such a word grace the Battousai's lips before. It was mild, but it was like he was screaming the most disgusting profanity coming from his untainted vocabulary. 

"First: To be an idiot, it would require one to have less then the basic knowledge, and I am far superior to you in intelligence, so that would mean that you have insulted yourself and your hippo." Hiko, again, managed to stun everyone into silence with his warped logic. 

"Master, it was not your turn." 

"How can you be so... so patient with him?" Kaoru said, giving the slight red head a good whack for his gentleness. If only such a trait were transmittable by contact. It might have sweetened her disposition by now. 

"Oro?" Battousai moaned. 

"Are we done? I have a poker date at the bar." Katsu yawned, waking up again. 

"You haven't spoken." Aoshi said, taking slight pleasure in the fact that no one would escape this madness. 

"Yes dear cousin, speak." 

"I like my head thank you very much. People may think I'm insane and a pyromaniac, but I have self-preservation in spades..." Katsu trailed off noticing the strange looks. 

"This is a safe place." Aoshi reminded him, curious despite his stoic nature. 

"Sure it is." 

Tokio chose to return at that moment with an apple in one hand and a piece of cheddar in the other. She glanced around, "Did I miss anything?" Silence met her request and she sat down indifferent, completely calm and composed. Like she hadn't just chewed them all a new one just ten minutes prior. 

"Nothing too important." Aoshi forced out, taking the chance for the collective group. 

"Oro." 

"You missed that." 

"What?" Tokio said around a mouthful. 

"Oro?" 

"That. That pointless word." How Aoshi hated that stupid, idiotic word. 

"It was nothing important sister, now sit down. My stupid student was only talking, and now it's our dearest cousin's turn." Hiko said. 

"I'm not saying a word, I estranged myself from you two a long time ago." Katsu said, nervously playing with a match." 

Saitoh growled, "Just speak so we can leave." 

"Dear cousin, you know that we love you and would so anything to protect you." Tokio cajoled sweetly. Hiko played the role of bad cop, something Aoshi could easily see having been perfected over the years that the siblings had lived together during, "If you ever want freedom, you will speak." 

"Of course you do, I was referring to other parties." Katsu remarked lightly and added with a look at Hiko, "Threats don't work on me. Sano can get into just as much trouble without me. In fact, I'm sure he is right now. You can't keep the sheriff and priest in here indefinitely. Maybe until Sunday, I hope we don't starve." 

"Would you like to test that?" Hiko rumbled, glaring. Apparently when the mind games were turned he didn't enjoy them quite so much. 

"I wonder where Misao is." Kaoru remarked and Aoshi flinched internally. He had forgotten. 

"You're right, that you are. She is never far from Father Aoshi." 

"I thought you were a priest? I didn't know you were having a little fun on the side." Hiko said looking annoyed at the interruption. He sneered and his fingers crept towards his alcohol. 

"Misao is currently running an errand for me on the other side of town." Aoshi clarified. Then he gave a quick pray that it was turn. 

"She's probably in the bar by now. If you sent her after Sano that is. Like I should be." Katsu remarked. 

"I thought you and Sano were lovers? I mean by the amount of alone time you spend together…" Hiko said to Katsu and Aoshi was sure that they would all be visiting Hell together in a moment. 

Katsu leapt on the bigger man with match in hand. He didn't even bother with a bomb, perhaps he knew that Aoshi would be annoyed. Instead he pressed the living flame to Hiko's long cape. It lit up instantly, all the alcohol fumes trapped in the fibers fueling it. Hiko calmly removed the flaming cloak, dumped it on the floor, and stomped on it with his heavy boots. 

Aoshi stared down at his ruined carpets. That was never coming out. Ever. Something snapped. 

"You fucking bastard, you take that back. Cousin or no I'll blow you into tiny bits!" Katsu screamed, this time with a stick of dynamite in hand. 

Before Aoshi could speak however Tokio hissed, "This is getting us nowhere. Hajime, what do you have to say?" 

"Nothing in particular. Your brother and I have never gotten along, and you are right, we should at least make peace." Saitoh said slowly with deliberateness. 

"See, submit to me and everything would be fine." Hiko preened in triumph. 

"Which is why I think we should have a gun battle." Saitoh finished without missing a beat. He had obviously considered this long and hard. 

"If you feel it will settle matters..."Aoshi began. 

"What are you talking about?" Kaoru screamed in outrage at such a notion. Soft-hearted females. 

"I agree, this would solve all of our problems." Hiko boomed, jumping up eagerly. 

"But Master...!" 

"Now now children, violence will solve nothing, but a dead husband and a widowed wife." Tokio said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. 

"Perhaps another test of skills?" Aoshi suggested, keen to get them out of his office. Katsu had already escorted himself out and Aoshi wasn't going to keep the irate bomb wielder. 

"Chess?" 

"Like I would play such a lowly game." Hiko snorted. 

"Cooking!" Kaoru pressed proudly. Did she want her cousin to lose? If cooking was genetic then the man was doomed. Hiko would win by default. 

"You would choose that, wouldn't you? I love irony." Battousai said, yet not said. It wasn't his normal, goofy voice. This one was deeper and much more amused. There was a quick flash of amber before soft purple took over. Okay, that was just weird. Maybe Megumi should look at him too. 

"Cooking is a woman's skill." Hiko said, ignoring the two women looking very unhappy about that announcement. It was the nineteenth century after all! 

"Can't it be decided without some macho show of skills?" Kaoru said in exasperation. Battousai backed her up, "I agree with Miss Kaoru, that I do." 

"Turning feminine Battousai?" Saitoh inquired and Hiko jumped on it nearly as fast. "I knew it! You wear the dress in that relationship!" 

"Oro?" 

"Come on Kenshin, we're leaving!" Kaoru raged, and again, Aoshi found it wiser to let things go. 

"We could all live together until we make peace?" Tokio suggested with an underlying hint of a threat. 

"Perhaps the will not be necessary." Aoshi said in a deceptively calm voice. He had passed the breaking point. A tension headache was building and his whole body felt abused. They had mucked up his office and almost burned it down. It was time to get rid of these "guests". 

"I am willing to hear your solution." Saitoh said graciously just as Tokio perked up, "You have an idea?" 

"You all get out of my office, my patience is too worn. Then Hiko goes back to his home and Tokio and Saitoh to theirs. If you don't I'm afraid that I might start doing some un-priest things." He said in a deadly voice. Everyone considered him harmless, but the man was about to show them all how dangerous he could be. Emotion rarely drove him, but when it did the results were far from pretty. 

"But nothing is resolved!" Tokio protested as Saitoh helped her to her feet. 

"Bring the matter up after the baby is born." Aoshi advised, refraining from shoving them out the door. "It takes time to mend relationships, especially strained ones such as yours. May God be with you all. Besides, if we're lucky someone will die by then and solve the problem." 

He ignored the looks and clarified in a bland voice, "Alcohol and cigarettes are hardly good for a body, that is all I'm saying." Both of which he was sure the two men would be diving into. Well, they had their ways of relieving stress and he had his. 

Once they were gone he slammed the door and sighed. He hoped Megumi was free tonight because his headache needed some serious attention and he wouldn't say no to a massage either. What a day. 

**A/N:** You people better appreciate this! I stayed up until 2 am to finish all bloody 15 pages. Credit where credit is due: Fyyrrose played both Hiko and Tokio, while I did the other five. Most of their dialogue is credit to her, with some tweaking on my part to make it not quite so harsh O__O I decided Aoshi's sense of humor (as small/nonexisitant as it seems) would have to be very, very dry. I have four mangas waiting for me too, you're just lucky I wasn't sidetracked! Mwahaha. I read Demon Diary last night to relax after this hellish (but fun) insert. Hooked already. Oh, and I decided Katsu needed a tiny bit of development. 

Reviewers:

**MissBehavin:** 100 review, you get a cookie (::). Don't get between a preg. woman and choclate. Actually, don't get between me and chcolate. You might lose something dear to you. I agree, yet, I wrote him a family in BSR, what is wrong with me?!! Kamatari and the rest had NO idea about that. Saitoh and Kenshin were like thank you, you have saved us all from maiming and torture that would put Hoji to shame. Hmm, Saitoh's not tell about the puppy, but I see him as a dog person. Lobo hating the pup certainly played a part in it. Now, there's a lesson to be learned here: Don't check your mail in the middle of math class if it contains something that will make you start snicker ^__^ Maybe I'll do that this summer, or maybe this spring during Spring Break. Naw, probably go to Charleston or Myrtle Beach (cold). 

**Wistful-Eyes:** Cheap! OMG, so cheap. I would slaughter him right on the spot if I were Yahiko. Embarrassing! I *sweatdrop* don't really know what they got babies back in the 1870s, but I figured brushes were around. Misao is definately unorthodox. 

**eriesalia:** Well, I'm fairly sure that Saitoh and Tokio are not, after all they're having a child. Maybe bi? As for the rest of them, they're far game, although I don't suggest calling Megumi gay either. I've learned which characters to not mess with ^___^ Soujirou, don't mess with him either. It's prewritten and finished, but not all posted :D. 

**Houndingwolf:** Hehe, hit the nail on the head. Have you ever seen a dog run from a puppy or a kitten (or in my dog's case, a mouse). It's the funniest thing ever! Especially if the dog is all big and bad. 

**Fyyrrose:** Damn woman, get your mind out of the gutter? Besides, you know I don't like to share, and you have too many alter egos. I love kids, well, that doesn't cover babies does it? I love other people's babies. 'Tari needed some glory, I've been ignoring him (something he'll have to get used to until I get somewhere in Shoulder Angels). Or just take out some select people right? Kenji, kid assassin. Your lunch dates are bad. Thanks for helping me write this one ^__^; 


	20. Chapter Eighteen: Take it on the Run

Chapter Seventeen: Take It On the Run

Butch scampered along in front of us as we raced towards the clinic. It was amazing how much the puppy had grown. His head was now even with my shoulder and his ears were never cropped, although his tail was docked. Those same ears flopped up and down with each powerful lunge. It was hard to believe that the black dog was Saitoh's and Saitoh's alone. He still scared the hell out of Lobo with his play drive and had taken a rather violent disliking to Master. 

"Miss Megumi?" I panted, sticking my head in the clinic. The door was unlocked as always, but there was an empty feeling to the room. Only my own voice answered when I called out again. 

"Maybe she's at the store? Or the church." Miss Kaoru suggested and Sano leered, "Foxy in the confessional." 

"Gutter mind." Miss Kaoru snapped and ordered, "Kenshin, you're the fastest so you go to the church. Sicko and I will check around town." 

I nodded and made sure that Butch stayed with Miss Kaoru. He was a very sweet, obedient puppy and had no problem doing as I asked. 

'If only women were so compliant.' Oro! 

I raced along wondering why Miss Megumi would leave her clinic. She'd never done it before, at least not before dusk. Her apartment was in the back and she generally stayed there at night so people knew where to find her. Being a doctor was far from easy. 

I skittered to a stop when I heard two voices speaking in low tones. Creeping up I was surprised to find Chou and Soujirou conversing. 

"I do not think this is a good time to do this Chou." Soujirou protested innocently. 

"Hell, there ain't no such thin' as a bad time ta bust up the bad guys!" Chou protested, thumbing the hammer on one of his many pistols. 

"Oro." I whispered, thoroughly confused. 

Both of them whirled and Chou shook his spiky head, "It's jus' ta battousai. 'Taint nothin' ta worry 'bout Sou." 

Soujirou gave a sceptical smile, "But he is Mister Himura now. I do not suppose he would approve of bloodshed as he is now." 

"Aw, yer righ'." Chou spat, "But this is our job." 

Could we back this wagon up a bit? "Excuse this unworthy one's ignorance, but what the hell are you two doing?" 

'What does it look like they're doing? They're stalking whoever is in the confessional!' Battousai piped up, interested suddenly. 

What? I thought you liked to disappear when Soujirou is around. 

'Oh, that. I need naps too.' Why wasn't I buying that? 'Fine, I did it to freak you out. Worked pretty well too. Just like making up Butch.' 

You made him up? 

"You see Mister Himura, Chou and I are agents for the government. We have been tracking a pair of criminals for months now. We had to be certain that they were them if you understand my meaning. Otherwise we would have made our move long before. Now that we are perfectly certain, we were planning to ambush them before they thought to skip town." 

"But-." I started not sure what I was planning to ask. 

"We have no interest in you. As far as the government is concerned you are dead." Soujirou continued, "And as for staying with Miss Yumi and Kamatari, well, that was also true. We do have relations. Kamatari is my twin brother." 

Oro! 

'Well, that explains nothing. Except that they're both freaks.' 

Oro! 

'Stop that, if you were half as stunned as you pretend to be you'd die of a heart attack.' 

"Would ya quit yappin' and help meh here?" Chou grunted as he moved a bench to use as a shield slash firing platform. 

"I doubt they are armed." 

"Yeah, but that fella don't leave much ta chance. I ain't getting an ass whompin' 'cuz ya thought theys was harmless." 

"Have you seen Miss Megumi?" I asked, regaining my original senses and mission. So what if the two were brothers, you were entitled to visit your kin. And if the two were cops all the more reason to get out of there. Even if the government claimed me dead that didn't necessarily mean that they wouldn't want my body as proof. 

Soujirou just smiled wider and Chou growled, checking his gun again. 

Soujirou nodded and shot forward tearing off the curtain to the confessional. Needless to say I was shocked. Of all the people… of all the… shit, I can't even say it in my mind! 

Kamatari looked up with a slightly guilty look and Yumi jerked her hand away like it burned. He got up and subconsciously brushed away some invisible dirt. 

"Hey Sou. What are you two up to?" 

Soujirou grinned back at his brother and shook his head making a motion to Chou. The blond looked like he was, pardon the term, going to shit a brick. His face was redder than my shirt by a hundredfold. So much so that I wondered if he was breathing properly and how could he possibly have so much blood in his face. He stared between Kamatari and Yumi with his fists clenched. 

Without warning he jumped the younger man. Kamatari was in his normal woman's attire, which made it impossible to dodge. He did ditch the shoes though while twisting under Chou's merciless grip. 

"Stop it Chou!" Yumi hollered, looking mighty peeved herself. She marched up and smacked the broom head with her shoe. He looked stunned before disentangling his fingers from Kamatari's hair. The cross-dresser grinned ruefully and retreated beside his brother. I guess they were fraternal twins since they only vaguely resembled each other. 

"Ya two-timin'…" Chou hissed. 

"No language. You know what will happen if you ever so much as think that word at me again. It ended our marriage. You have no claim over me, what I do, or who I see." Yumi replied calmly and slipped her shoe on. 

"She has you there partner." Soujirou grinned like an idiot. 

'I told you, but this divorce makes things so much more interesting.' Battousai remarked rubbing his chin. 

"You two were married?" 

"I know, but young people do foolish things." Yumi replied, glaring. "And I am beautiful after all." 

Kamatari slung an affection arm over her shoulder and teased, "Sure you are, for such an old woman." 

Creepyville here. 

"Brother, you should be nicer." Soujirou chided and I suddenly felt horribly out of place. These people were close as family and here I was bumbling in the middle of them. 

Chou looked sullen, "Where are they?" 

"Who?" Kamatari asked blinking. 

"The people we have been following. Chou and I decided it was time to make a move before they flee again." Soujirou replied. 

Yumi's mouth twitched and she said bluntly, "Oh, them. They rented a room at the bar." 

"Upstairs?" Soujirou pressed without sounding demanding. Yumi nodded and sauntered past Chou with Kamatari's arm still slung carelessly around her shoulders. The tall man snarled something under his breath and stalked back towards town, not waiting for the rest of us. 

Yes, us. Like it or not my curiosity had gotten the better of me. Besides, I was sure Sano would have volunteered to have searched he bar for Miss Megumi. It would be an easy way to meet back up with him. 

'Sure it is.' 

Yumi and Kamatari paused in the doorway. They had dropped their arms and scooted a safe distance away from each other. Kamatari had a smirk plastered on his face and Yumi an irritated frown. Damn they were good. Well, they had fooled the whole town for so long anyhow… 

"Third door from the right, you might want to knock first." Kamatari snickered. 

"That would give us away!" Chou growled and pushed past the smaller man. He stomped up the stairs while Soujirou and I trailed behind. 

"You do not have to come Mister Himura." 

How to answer that? Before I could formulate an answer Chou had already prepared to smash the door in. I slipped past him and turned the knob. Guess what? It was unlocked. And guess what, I never want to see that done to another human being again. I shut the door quietly and counted the room numbers. 

"This unworthy one thinks that maybe you miscounted, that he does." I managed, still shaken and very embarrassed. Sweat trickled down my neck making it itch. Chou did a recount and grinned, "Guess ya were righ'. No har' done." 

'Except that Kenshin got a nice visual sexual education.' Battousai grinned at my discomfort. 

We all bunched around the door that supposedly harboured the criminals. What would they be like? I grinned mentally, of course it would have to be Saitoh. 

'Probably Father Aoshi.' 

Chou had to smash the door open this time. 

"Fuckin' A that hurt!" He howled interrupting the two lovers. 

Megumi was seated on Aoshi's lap with one arm wrapped around his neck and the other buried in his hair. Her cheek was resting against his forehead and she arched an eyebrow at our impromptu approach. 

Both Chou and I flushed fuchsia while Soujirou's smile quirked. 

Aoshi, on the other hand, held no emotion. He slipped on his serious Man of God mask and only Hell could take it off. Even so, I noticed he didn't take his hand from where it rested somewhere in the nether between the hip and rump. 

Both of them were slightly tousled and their clothing was quite loose, if not missing entirely. 

"Looks like the mean coppers caught up with us, although I didn't expect Sir Ken to be with them." Miss Megumi pouted, her lips swollen from what I could only guess as a long bout of lip locking. 

I changed my mind. This was something that warranted bleach. Although the two weren't doing anything too unseemly, the fact that he was a priest and she was the town doctor, wasn't sitting well. Not at all. 

'Once I finish doing the 'I told you so dance' I may just have to laugh some more.' Battousai said grinning from ear to ear. 

"Father Aoshi…" What can I say? Hey, priests don't French and the most certainly don't do what you were about to go into. 

Miss Megumi flipped her hair and gave a smirk, "He's no more a religious man than Sanosuke. Isn't that right Aoshi?" He nodded silently. 

Not… a priest? Then what the hell had he been playing at this whole time? But, but… the sermons! 

'I know!' 

And he talked so much… and the confessional! 

'I know!' 

This so isn't happening. 

'Aren't you glad you never used the confessional?' 

Not kidding. 

"So are ya comin' quietly or what?" 

"What did they do…?" Besides mentally scarring me for life that is. I had to lean against the door jam. This turned my world topsy turvy. 

Soujirou stepped up, his eyes locked on Aoshi. The man had straightened and retrieved most of his clothing without dislodging Megumi. She, likewise, was in a better state of dress with her arms now wrapped around his waist. Was there any more secret relationships I needed to know about here? 

Miss Megumi punched Aoshi lightly in the shoulder and said with a playful smile that looked all together too much like a sly fox taking the hounds for a run, "I told you we overstayed our welcome." 

He shrugged and replied brushing a hand across hers, "But we had good cover." 

"I suppose. I'll miss you Sir Ken. Tell that silly girl of yours not to get so ruffled when other women show interest!" Miss Megumi advised. 

The pair were fully dressed now. Chou and Soujirou closed in, but Aoshi swooped Megumi up bridal style and did a suicide dive out the window. 

We rushed to the window only to find them gone. 

"C'mon Sou, they can't of gone to far yet." Chou yelled, tearing hell-bent out of the room and stumbling down the stairs. 

Soujirou turned to me and gave a sincere smile, "It was nice to meet you Mister Himura. I hope you stay around, there are people who truly care for you." 

With that he disappeared out the door. 

By the time I got downstairs both Chou and Soujirou were gone. 

"Good riddance to bad rubbish. I was wondering how long he was going to stick around." Yumi snorted, speaking of Chou I'm assuming. 

"Ah, I wished both of them good luck." Kamatari said cheerfully. 

This had been a weird, weird day. 

Miss Kaoru rushed in to find the three of us staring mildly down the road and out on the wild peaks that rose in the distance. 

She tugged on my sleeve, "Kenshin, I've been looking all over for you! We couldn't find Miss Megumi, but Doctor Gensai, you know that old guy that stopped over with his two granddaughters, he helped instead. Saitoh and Tokio have a healthy baby boy! Isn't that great?" 

"Oro!" Too much, I fainted dead away. 

**A/N:** LMFAO, well, you people reap what you sow! I bet you weren't expecting a stunt like this? As for 'Tari/Yumi, that was not in the lesson plan, yet it crept in there. Only two more chapters and an epilogue. And for all you who wanted a sequel for Res. , I'm going to start posting it as soon as this one is done. Also, my dog is probably very sick so I don't know how fast I'll write/post it. Apologies in advance. On a good note, I'm learning grammer! *grins* Went from 50% (before the lesson) to 100% on complete sentences! Then I came home and started editting. 

_Side note:_ You people are lucky I have sense (or numbers) in my head. Fyyrrose wanted me to make Soujirou Kamatari and Yumi's kid. Me: O__O You know that Yumi's only 28 right? And that Soujirou's 18? She would have been 10! And Kamatari, I couldn't reach a solid conclusion. It's either 18 (which I used), 20, or 29. That would have been before he was born, 2, or 11. So not happening! 

Reviewers:

**mij:** ^^ Maybe the title... or the summary... or the words 'insanity fic'... or maybe AU: Western. If you did I wouldn't blame you. I have a... unusual sense of humor! Apparently you do too, welcome to the club! *whistles innocently* As you can see, he's not. Um, well, let's see. Battousai's dialogue is always labelled in ' ' so I'm assuming Kenny is the problem. Just think of it this way, Kenshin's reply and his random thoughts are pretty much the same @.@ Some are just directed at his alter ego. 

**Houndingwolf:** Katsu was fun because I always see him as fairly calm (with the exception of that one eppy in the anime). To have Hiko push his buttons was great fun! Hehe, Katsu pretty *is* a pyromanic bomb user in fic. *thinks about that* Nooooo, no more fics! Three is way over the limit already! 

**MissBehavin:** Aoshi's humor was... difficult. I have a dry sense of humor, but it's sadistic and twisted. His is just practical, omg, what are these peoples' deal? sort of humor. (Now we're assuming he has one! I don't know, he seems pretty serious to me ~.^). As for Tokio, she's writting herself @_@ I have no control over any of these characters! And apparently she doesn't [want it to work]. Saitoh can't throw his hands up and walk off. Divorse was a BIG NO-NO back then... doesn't mean you can't have *cough*'accidents' *snicker*. Like her 'accidently' falling down the well while Lobo ate some stryctionide poison so he couldn't play 'Lassie'. All I can say is children are good relationship savers sometimes and if they got rid of Hiko there's half the problem (maybe more). Here's the problem: my plot is nothing like I originally planned, yet her character refuses to mold into something more suitable. And believe me, what I had planned before Saitoh would have deserved that and a whole lot more! I love my sibs more than anything, but I'd bust their butts if they tried that on me! Hehe, it's like, no Katsu, bomb, get the bomb! Math sucks, and I've learned you shouldn't read funny things (like Hiko coming on to Aoshi with Misao right behind them) when you're in the library either. 

**Wistful-Eyes:** Yes, and he's so sane. Well, you know, more sane anyway. Tokio has problems ^^ but switching sides in the middle of things is great fun. Try it. Yup, 2. This one was written at a decent hour, but I think it's even more insane! 

**eriesalia:** God: *looking for lightning bolts* *gives up* Hmm, maybe I should just wipe out the whole town with a tornado? Apparently he doesn't, and the way he said it makes you think it's a chronic habit. As you can see! Aoshi and Wolfwood. I started howling with laughter when I read that (I'm easily amused). He'd have to take up some smoking, but he's got that metal cross he dragged out of the church at Christmas... who's to say! 

**fyyrose:** Okay, so I missed half of IY! That's no reason not to review and take credit!... Wait, if you don't... hey, more credit for me! Mwahaha. 


	21. Chapter Nineteen: Weasel in the Middle

Chapter Eighteen: Weasel in the Middle

Miss Kaoru insisted that we take a walk along the riverbank. I'm not sure why exactly. 

'I could give you some ideas. She wants to jump your bones!' Oro? What did that mean. Battousai smacked his forehead and fell silent with disgust. 'Then again, maybe she just wants to go fishing.' 

That sounded like a reasonable explanation, except that Miss Kaoru seemed to have a deep loathing for catfish. And those suckers were pretty much all you could catch in the river at this time of year. 

"Shh, what's that?" Miss Kaoru said, dragging me into the bushes. Ignoring the nice blackberry thorns that seemed to have taken an unhealthy interest in my tender skin, I peered out. 

Miss Misao was sitting with her back against a tree tearing into the new spring blooms like a mutated herbicide. The delicate bloom fell before her emotion wrath and there was a light shower of multi-colored petals. 

"I think she's upset." 

No kidding. 

"Maybe we should find out what's wrong?" Miss Kaoru suggested, yet made no move forward. Suddenly I was leading this dance? I don't think so. Not if she proposes to do the same to me as she was the poor, harmless flowers. The girl had knives on her still, I was sure of it. 

"Hey, Weasel, what's wrong?" 

'The better question is going to be, what's wrong with the idiot after she gets done with him.' Battousai chuckled. I can't ever tell if he likes Sano, or merely finds him so vastly amusing that he doesn't want it to end. Maybe that's how the whole town felt about the guy, the reason why he still was walking and talking. 

"None of your business." She had abandoned her pruning and now was fondling something small and gold. Why was I getting a very bad feeling about this? 

Sano, never one to take the hint on the first try, simply plopped down beside her with his knuckles scraping the ground loosely and his legs set in a crossed-legged pose. He eyed her with concern. 

"Well, something's wrong and I'm not leaving until I know what it is." He said and she turned to give him a serious glare. Off the boy like rain off a turtle shell. 

"Father Aoshi is gone." She sniffled. Definitely bad, good thing only three people knew about the circumstances of his abrupt departure. 

'Four.' 

Yes, but you can't talk, now can you? 

'If I thrash your ass and take over I could. Or you could just let me out to stretch my legs?' 

I don't think so. 

Before Sano could say something totally insensitive and utterly crass, Yahiko raced up. He was kicking a ball in between his feet and Butch was running and barking and trying to get it away. The pair stopped their games to look. 

Butch, being the concerned canine who couldn't stand to see a human cry, came over and pushed his muzzle at Misao, demanding to be petted. 

'You know that's just a scam right? Dogs do that when you're in emotional distress to get some more petting. They couldn't give a rat's ass for your feelings.' 

"Oh Aoshi…" She sobbed, taking the befuddled mutt in a headlock, death-grip. 

"His name isn't Aoshi, it's Butch!" Yahiko glared, trying to pry the dog out of her grip. The Doberman may have been intended as the Saitohs' family pet, but at the moment every unattached person in town seemed to be using him. I wondered if Saitoh minded, since the dog seemed to be his now. Lobo absolutely hated Butch and Missus Tokio couldn't keep him even if she had wanted to. 

"He was Aoshi first!" Miss Misao retorted and stuck out her tongue in a very mature manner. Yahiko returned the favor by pulling down his eyelid. 

"It's just a mutt." 

Both youths turned on him with stark outrage and started clamoring in defense of the dog's honor. Somehow, they went from a tiny spat with each other, to kill Sano, to kill each other. Kids these days. So touchy! 

"You going to French the dog like you do your pillow?" Yahiko teased. 

"Come back here and let me kick your head into the ground!" Miss Misao howled, tearing after the younger boy. 

"Ha, you're so slow Weasel!" Yahiko yipped and ploughed onward with all the grace of a thundering beaver. He tripped and regained his footing just narrowly avoiding having a very nasty injury on his rump. It seemed that Master had rubbed off on him. Pity. 

'You said it! That man should be barred in his home and burned alive!' Battousai said eagerly. 

I never said that! 

'But you were thinking it.' 

I was not! 

'You should have been.' 

"Sa-no!" Miss Misao growled, "He's your brother, do something!" 

"I plead immunity." Sano replied, looking only vaguely interested in the whole affair. I suppose he and Yahiko had acted this scene out so many times it failed to hold his attention. 

'I have this theory.' 

Oro. 

'That boy is a hell of a lot smarter than he seems. He does the dumb act fairly well, but when he uses words like immunity…' 

Good things in life save me from the conspiracy thoughts, please. 

Miss Misao made a fantastic leap and landed on Yahiko's head with both feet. He crumpled like a downed cow and she did a victory dance on his back. 

Sano sauntered over and picked her up off Yahiko, "That's enough of that Weasel. Yahiko will need his back in one piece." 

Miss Misao plunked by down moodily, deprived of her anger releasing exercise. Yahiko moaned and stirred. I didn't envy the headache. I bet it was like that time Miss Kaoru kept falling on my when Sano pushed her down into the grave. 

"Kenshin," Startled at the voice that belonged to the person of my thoughts, I almost said something inappropriate. That simply wouldn't do. I worked to hard at being harmless to blow it like Sano… wait, I can't possibly be buying into Battousai's theory! 

"Oro?" 

"Don't give me that." She snapped then returned her attention to the trio, "Do you think Misao's really that upset?" 

"This unworthy one thinks that she will recover and he hopes that Father Aoshi is doing fine." 

'In Vegas by now. Sin City baby.' 

By the time I looked up again Misao had cornered poor Butch. This time he wasn't so enthused about being used as a teddy bear substitute. He wiggled and caught the chain with the cross over his tapered muzzle. With a muffled howl he stumbled around trying to get it off. 

"Hey, give that back! Bad dog!" 

The poor half grown dog hadn't ever been scolded in his entire life, or maybe just not by a rabid girl with knives. He took one look and with a howl of fright tore off to hide behind Sano. 

Sano disentangled the chain with his thick fingers and tossed it from hand to hand with a devilish smile. 

Saitoh stalked out over the hill and gave a sharp whistle. Butch immediately forgot the threat to his life and heeded his master's call. 

"Moron, Weasel, Brat: What were you doing to my dog?" 

Ever since Missus Tokio had her baby the man had almost disappeared from the town all together. I bet he just sits all day and stares at his mini-me. That's a scary thought... 

'Evil associates with evil.' 

Children are not evil! 

"Sano, can I have it back now? Please?" 

Sano pretended to consider it as he idly tossed the chain back and forth. The gold flashed sunlight and I wondered if maybe Aoshi did have a little soft spot for the hyper girl. 

'Or maybe he nicked that off a dead body and gave it to her to shut her up.' 

"I don't know. Seems to me like you're turning all gloomy and quiet like Aoshi. Perhaps he put a curse on this cross to convert you." 

'Definitely smarter than he appears.' 

She rushed him and he tossed it over her head to Yahiko. The younger boy, looking slightly battered but game, caught it. 

"Weasel in the middle!" He whooped. When she rushed him he tossed it back to Sano. Her I am thinking, oro, they're going to make her cry. Hazing like that. But her face turned bright red with anger and she pounced on Sano. Not before he did a sneaky underhand toss to Yahiko. 

"Since pounding the crap out of you doesn't seem to have an effect, I'll have to resort to super top-secret methods!" Miss Misao cried and suddenly the man shrieked loud enough to make the rest of us cover our ears. Miss Misao punched her two index fingers into his sides again with the same results. "So the great Sanosuke is ticklish huh?" 

He tried to roll away, but she stayed with him. At least until he decided to retaliate. Then she was screaming while he had straddled her waist and pinned her hands with one of his. 

Miss Kaoru leapt into action. 

'What's she doing now?' 

Oro? 

Miss Kaoru took her plank to the unsuspecting Sano. She got in quite a few whacks at the downed man before Miss Misao grabbed her wrist and asked what she was doing. By then Sano had crawled a good bit away to nurse his injured and dishonored head. 

"He wasn't trying to... uh... take advantage of you?" 

That earned some strange looks. 

"Why would I do something like that?" Sano demanded, embarrassed and shocked. He pulled his loose white shirt tight around him looking the picture of hurt. Miss Misao walked over and he flinched back. She ignored that and put a hand on his forearm, "I'm sorry Sano. I guess we can't rough house like when we were kids." 

"Hey, not problem. I, er, didn't mean to insult your honor or anything." 

Miss Kaoru, rather than offering up an apology, slunk back. Seeing no point in hiding in the killer bushes anymore, I joined her. Yahiko had crept up to stand beside us. Unfortunately, he had to mention the term 'Ugly'. Nastiness ensured and Miss Misao's cross arched through the air before falling into the river with a splash. 

"No!" 

"Oops." 

Sano peered over and found himself swimming. I looked down when he didn't come up immediately. When he did break the surface his teeth were chattering from the ice melt water and there was a sour look on his face. 

"Are you okay Sano?" I asked, concerned and uncertain. 

He sputtered a few choice words before replying, "Like hell I am. This water is freezing. Why'd you push me in Weasel?" 

"Get the cross." 

"Not a chance." He bobbed there with his arms crossed. It occurred to me that maybe his feet could touch the bottom until I realized he was standing on a submerged rock. "I could have been really hurt? These rocks are sharp-ass suckers you know. With Foxy gone, who would patch me up?" 

"I'll do it again if you don't get it!" Miss Misao threatened. 

"Doctor Gensai is a very competent doctor, that he is." I said reassuringly and Sano pouted, "He certainly ain't the looker that Foxy was." 

"Get it or I'm never going to let you out, chicken boy!" 

"Miss Misao, forever is a long time…" 

"Shove it Himura." She snapped. 

Sano raised an eyebrow. By now his teeth were chattering. With a smirk he started out for the other side of the bank. Once on dry land he proceeded to give her the look that said 'so what are you going to do now?'. 

"Ha, how are you going to get him now? I don't think rodents swim!" Geez the kid was mean. Miss Kaoru gave Yahiko another smack on the head. 

'Mustelids.' 

What? 

'Weasels are Mustelids, related to the river otter actually.' How in the world do you know these things? 'Hey, I'm not all about sex and gore you know. Admittedly those are fun pastimes, especially some of the kinkier aspects…' 

Stop, I don't want to hear it. 

Miss Misao was glowering when Sano jumped back in and swam across. I don't know about weasels, but it seemed chickens did fairly well in the water. 

He rose up… 

'Like Undine-." 

Shut up, I'm tired of you knowing things I don't know. Anyway, like some sort of sea monster… 

'Loch Ness-.' 

"Don't you come near me, you dumb ox!" 

Sano paused and said crossly, "Okay, so I'm not the most vivid crayon in the box." 

Did he just say vivid? 

"What's that mean?" Yahiko blurted. 

'It proves the motto, no matter how stupid you are there is always someone stupider.' 

I don't think that's how it goes. 

He grabbed Miss Misao by the waist before pitching her into the river. Yahiko's jaw dropped and he said, "Uh, I don't think she can swim bro." 

Sano looked sheepish, "My bad." 

"Aren't you going to jump in a save her?" Miss Kaoru screeched. 

Sano grabbed Yahiko by the scruff and chucked the kid in. He immediately came up sputtering and cursing. Apparently the apples fall pretty close off the tree. With steady strokes he grabbed the floundering Miss Misao. She immediately latched on to him, threatening to drown them both. 

There was a hand on my low ponytail and I knew what was coming next. Miss Kaoru had almost slung me in after them when Sano waded out to his chest and snagged the duo. He dragged them to shore. 

"Thank you Aoshi." She whispered before she stopped breathing. 

"Oro!" 

"I can pump her chest, but there's no way I'm doing mouth-to-mouth." Sano said crinkling his nose and Yahiko piped up, "Don't look at me! Weasel lips." 

Miss Kaoru shoved us all aside and did CPR perfectly. Miss Misao either wasn't that far gone or Miss Kaoru was a miracle working. As inclined as I am to believe the latter, common sense dictates the former. 

Miss Misao opened her eyes blurrily before screaming, "Rape!" 

"Whoa, calm down. That's just Missy saving your life okay?" 

"I wasn't kissing you Misao." Miss Kaoru blushed and sputtered. And Sano muttered something about people calling him gay. 

'I want to see some tongue!' 

Miss Kaoru was saving Miss Misao's life. 

'You think what you want and I'll do the same.' 

Miss Misao was sniffling and shivering. She curled up and rocked saying, "I should have drowned! What will I do without Father Aoshi to guide me?" 

'Move the hell on.' 

Sano looked very bewildered and slightly fretful. Carefully, despite being soaking wet and shivering slightly himself, he gathered her up. 

"Shh, hey, it's okay. You'll be okay, alright? I'm very sorry. I shouldn't have played with your cross like that or tossed you in the river. I don't know how, but I can make it up to you, okay? Just stop crying." 

'Whoa, he's like an old pro at the "say the soothing shit".' 

"Besides, he didn't even stick around. What a coward." Yahiko sniffed judgmentally. "I heard he wasn't even a real priest." 

"What!" Miss Misao screeched and Sano swore, "Uh... he wasn't a priest... shit! I told him all that... oh shit." 

'No one's interested in blackmailing that halfwit. Aoshi was probably scared that the idiot was coming more than anything else. I bet he heard some interesting things in that confessional.' Battousai said with a gleeful look. 

"Yeah, he was some con man that the cops were after and Megumi was his partner. The two of them skipped town when it looked like they were going to be caught. Isn't that right Kenshin?" 

"This unworthy one does not gossip." I replied grimly while thinking, I suppose it was too much to think that Kamatari could keep his mouth shut. He gossips worse than the women! 

Meanwhile, Miss Kaoru bopped him over the head and hissed, "Why did you have to tell her like that?" 

"Ouch, how was I supposed to tell her?" Yahiko complained. She folded her arms and replied, "With tact and gentleness!" 

"So Foxy was in on it too." Sano said rubbing his head thoughtfully, "Makes sense. Ah well. Hey, Misao you're still cold. Let me walk you home okay? Consider it a down payment on my apology." 

When they were halfway down the road I saw him uncurl his hand and give Miss Misao something that sparkled in the sun. 

**A/N:** Wow O__O I think everyone crawled out of the wood work for that last chapter, yay. Umm, the tickling was inspired by my bro, who loves to do that to me when he wants me to get off the computer, the jerk! Bring your barf bucket for the next chapter -__-' Oh, and I shouldn't be allowed on the computer when bored. I tend to find interesting things. Last night I spent the evening reading up on the 'mind's eye' (thank you psychology for giving me a heads up that it was actually real). This morning I'm reading a debate that started out with Hiko knowing about Tomoe, but it now talking about Shishio dodging bullets @__@;; Not to mention all the shrines I visits (including Fire and Ice: I bet some of you know EXACTLY which pairing that's devoted too :D). Oh, and my friend Maria Cline (aka SL) suggest that I let you guys write what happens to Aoshi and Meg with Sou and Chou chasing them. Hilarious idea! 

Reviewers:

**Houndingwolf**: I aim to please. I promise, no big twists left in the last three chapters. You still might be a little surprised yet at the ending ^__^ But nothing too big. 

**mij:** Ah-ha! I knew my sense of humor was not lost on people ^^ Kenny, poor Kenny. No wonder he's unstable. If I had to listen to that all the time O__O I had to do *something* with them so that all the a/meg [wor]shippers were satistified. Actually, Aoshi was a bad guy from the begining, but Meg had a totally diff. role. This turned out good, if not better than what I was originally plotting. 

**Nigihayami Haruko:** Don't worry about it. Hehe, stress. Aoshi was under a lot of stress. But he really doesn't have a problem with Saitoh (other than being a baddie and Saitoh being the law of course). Well, in RK they were actually on the same side in the war. Hehe, I got y'all good! 

**MissBehavin:** Yes, and the sermons and the confessional and the bible talk ^__^ The burning of the carpets almost made him snap. I don't see him as a perfectionist per se, but I can see him getting peeved if things are out of place/ruined. I do, very much so. Ah, you know too much! As this chapter proves. Well, sort of. That triangle was hilarious, I don't know what was wrong with my mind when I came up with that! It's a good thing, to be able to amuse yourself. Good point there. He could accept a mission for the gov't that would take years. Fake deaths work too, he could set himself up in Mexico. Or better yet, Canada! 

**sasori:** No Enishi this time, or Shishio, they just didn't fit in too well with the plot. 

**Fyyrrose:** Sweet? You know me, credit where credit is due! Lame ass? All your- I mean, what are you talking about? They're good reviews! Hiko-_"sama"_ should be beaten with a dead fish until he falls to his knees and repents for his anti-social sins! It could have been his hair btw, not the mantle. Lucky Katsu has bad aim ^^ I can see you going after Katsu, but give the man some credit. He knows fire and bombs, I doubt he would sit still and let you like Hiko did him. I should, that would be great. A/Meg fluff, WTF is that? Can you see Aoshi "fluffy"? Or even Megumi... don't answer that, S/Meg can get pretty gooey @_@ The "sex" scene was mine, I was in a vicious mood that night, LOL. Two now, and I can't wait to post the eppy. That means it will be over next Sunday. Sweet. By then Strays should have gotten a bit farther. Yay. I'm being evil to s/m/a at the moment, but I've actually been working more on Shoulder Angels. I finished the first chapter. B's wailing and Kenny's like ;__; help me... I decided to go for the big dogs first >:) Or wolves? Toxic... Mandy Moore... no wonder you're so sick and twisted! Oh, but Kerry made me download Crazy in Love for her. RUN *starts bawling*It's not a shame. As for you too much talking; I can respect that *smirk* You're insane and brave, remember what I was reading friday morning? NEVER EVER ago, FF better not go down. And I'll be more careful with the 'S' in the future. That was funny, but it caught me totally by surprise. I've never seen *that* triangle before. WHAT?!! What do you mean I can't kill him? You can't back out. I was planning all sorts of things for Kaoru, and I was going to make it like 10 pages. EVIL. So is Yutaro still obnixious or did Germany do *things* to him. You know I'm waiting for them start WW3, but back then they hadn't even started WW1 aka "The Great War". Flamethrowers, chemcial warfare, machine guns. Yup, I think I did a number on several people. Mostly because I gave little foreshadowing, even MissBehavin didn't pick it up >:) Too bad it was that one. (That's okay, I got the important one. Where N gets tired of Omigumo and his lust for Kikiyo so he sets out to "kill" her.) I know how much you love Kouga. BTW, in case I forget. Go to IY R and read the story 'Scarlet'. I think the author's name is Teresa. 

**eriesalia:** Sorry, my mom informed me that the brand of humor that seems to be my own is learned behavior. My whole family is like this btw, it's scary! It is all one big conspiracy! Mwahaha. Um, who knows, maybe Meg was, maybe not. Details, details. Personality-wise he is very Legato-like @.@ the poor man. Looks, well, I'm not arguing with that :D Wolfwood was my fav. character -__-' And my sister wasn't convinced that he was dead until the series ended. I think she watched too much DBZ or something, where characters are ressurected. 

**Trupana:** The best chapter ever? I like the sound of that! *hiko smirk* What would you have this unworthy one do? Criminals, perfect cover, ne? Actually, Aoshi was a criminal ever since I started writing this way back in Nov. Megumi wasn't in cahoots with him until the RK in the middle of December where I suddenly decided that she could convincingly play such a role (the eppy was the one where she first comes to the dojo with Sano and Kenshin. And Sano remarks that they won her at gambling! LMAO, he's such a jerk. Off track...). *basks in the praise* Sano, in this version, was going more by the manga I guess. Nope, just regretful. Such a nice young man -__-' They "show" up in the eppy, but not in person. Oh yes, Chou and Soujirou are so scary and bad *starts laughing and scares dog* Crimes, well, aside from Aoshi impersonating a man of God, I'll leave it up to your imagination. there's so many things a smart spy and his accomplice could do! Launder money, swindle, murder, rob banks, rob stage coaches, rob trains, steal horses. I tend to favor the sneaky, non-violent/threatening ones. I could see him as an effective con-man. Megumi, she's below suspicion as a doc. People might be a bit hesitant... oh oh oh, but she could get in peoples' houses that way and knick stuff. How long in town? Well, longer than Kenshin and he showed up in the fall. So it's been at least half a year, but they were pretty settled, so that indicates longer. I'd think Saitoh would know who they were, but figured if they were in his town, under his eye that it was alright. Besides, he doesn't get on well with the gov't I wouldn't think. As for the next question... knowledge, which I don't have. Eh-heh. The last question: it's possible X_X I couldn't say if or when, but I bet there's someone out there. Yes, your fault! You messed up my plot, j/k. Wow, membership? I don't know, I'm notariously fickle. Abused in more ways than one X_X Serious psychological damage there. Then again, Kamatari could be a hermaphridite, which would explain his tendency to cross-dress. I've been freaking people out too, smiling random for no reason (which really was a reason, reading reviews/stories in class). Yes, darling B, you've pissed us women off. Poor Kenny! You can't say he's innocent, but some of the... eww, scaring myself. I shouldn't even know about those... Musicalitis is my life -__-' Music *is* my white noise. I started talking my headphones into math class with me, and guess what, it's helping. Bonnie and Clyde works. Aoshi makes a much better bad guy than Saitoh (which is funny, because originally Saitoh was... not exactly a bad guy, but the Shinsengumi fans pitched a fit and he was changed). Sucking up works. Maybe someday I'll actually get to that mini-fic with A/Meg as the focus. A day of writer's block! 

**Wistful-Eyes:** *laughing* It was fun. The twins was a good twist. Yumi/Tari just kind of popped up, since I was giving all those hints. Aoshi/Meg was plotted and planned. Yes, at least one good thing happened, the healthy kiddo. Yeah, I have all sorts of obscure information stuck in my head. Grammer improvement is good. Math is better ^__^ Fyyrrose calls me a nerd, but I love school! Ouch. Is it a big part of your overall grade? 


	22. Chapter Twenty: Fluffier than Cottontail

Chapter Eighteen: Fluffier Than a Cottontail

'Your funeral buddy.' 

I gulped. The butterflies in my stomach had long since died and were now rotting in acidic juices. If I put this off any longer they might go all the way through. 

'You volunteered wussy boy.' 

"That I did." I sighed under my breath. Why? Why me? 

"Are you going to come in Kenshin?" 

Good question. Was it too late to turn tail and run? Hiding under the bed was looking pretty good at the moment. Or maybe just hit the trail. 

"Yes Miss Kaoru." 

I pushed open the door, not quite sure what I would see. To my relief everything was as I left it. The ingredients were lined up neatly on the counter with the measuring cups and spoons set in front of them. The bowls and cookie sheet were set to the side. If there was one thing necessary for good cooking that was a clean kitchen. 

'Housewife.' 

But it's true! You don't want to spread germs or mix up your foods when doing a full dinner. 

'They mix in your stomach anyway.' Battousai snorted, but continued to watch keenly. I know he was sitting in wait for me to make a fool out of myself. Well, I would just have to prove him wrong. After all, Miss Kaoru was a bright, competent young woman. She should have no problem picking up on the basics. 'An overestimation.' 

"Kenshin," I turned and had to smile at her outfit. She was wearing the usual, but over it was an apron that might as well have belonged to Kamatari. I briefly wondered if the person who made it was truly color blind or just so eccentric that they thought that neon orange and pastel green went together. "I'm ready!" 

And so it commenced. 

I ushered her over next to me where she fidgeted nervously. I don't know why she was jumpy she wasn't the one teaching. The one who was in the immediate embarrassment zone was myself. I'd never taught anything to anyone. And my only point of reference was Master. I could just imagine how well that would go over. You couldn't even mention his name without her face clouding over with thunderheads. He made quite the impression, as usual. 

"Okay Miss Kaoru. The first thing we need to do is sift the flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt in. Just be careful of the… salt." Too late. That's okay, they were peanut butter cookies, the saltier the better right? She was trying to scoop the small mound of salt off the top of the flour with little success. 

"Sorry Kenshin." 

"That's okay Miss Kaoru. Next you need to crack three eggs in that bowl over there." I handed her the mentioned bowl. It was small and separate to catch any stray shells. There wasn't supposed to be crunch in cookies. 

She busted the first egg. Her eyes narrowed and she reached for the second. I intercepted, taking the fragile white orb out of her hands. She watched me with a look of 'I can do this' and 'I don't need your help'. 

"Miss Kaoru, egg cracking is a very delicate and secret art," I said then lowered my voice, "One cannot learn it overnight, that they cannot. However, this unworthy one would be honored to demonstrate the correct procedure." I executed a bow and waited patiently. I had never really teased her before. Then again, there was always someone else around getting in the way. 

She giggled, "Go ahead then Kenshin. Show me the secret." 

I gently tapped the egg's curved side on the sharp edge of the counter. A thin, precise crack snaked up the middle. With ease born of practice I exerted pressure with my thumbs splitting the shell perfectly. The yolk oozed out nicely, remaining intact. With three precise, extravagant flicks I rid the shell of the excess and set it aside, one side cupped in the other. 

'And you called me a show pony.' Battousai grumped. I'm sure he was hoping she'd give me a beating. But I usually did fairly well on my own. I just had to remember she was like a mine. The slightest pressure in the wrong place could set her off. Otherwise she was a generous, sunny woman with a kind heart. 

'I noticed you didn't say gentle.' 

"Wow. How did you do that?" I showed her again, this time without the showmanship. She looked uncertainly when I held out the last egg to her. 

"I don't know Kenshin. I could mess it all up, and your perfect yolk would get shell in them." She said timidly. I took her hand and placed the egg in it. With a reassuring smile I encouraged, "You'll do just fine Miss Kaoru." 

"Here goes." 

'Yes, definitely, here goes.' 

She broke the shell messily and yanked it apart, but only a few flakes descended into the yellow pool. 

"I didn't smash the egg!" She yipped with joy. Grabbing my hands in hers she did an energetic dance of pure joy and accomplishment. Which would have been nice if I didn't step in the unfortunate remains of the original yolk. 

"Oro?" I'm sure my eyes were swirling like mad and my head was throbbing. Picking myself up slowly I found her cleaning it up. 

"I'm sorry Kenshin, it was all my fault!" 

I raised an eyebrow while her back was turned to me. Her fault that I was a klutz even when I wasn't pretending to be? It was nice that she would take the blame, but… 

'Puke… it is her fault.' I glared. He stood loosely behind the bars with his calm amber eyes on mine. It was kind of odd; he hadn't tried to escape for days. Actually, rather than odd it was worrisome. Was he just waiting for me to drop my guard, or was my life suddenly so boring that it was more fun to watch? I suppose since there hadn't been as many strange characters around the days were a bit dull. 

Sano and Miss Misao, along with Yahiko, were helping to rebuilding the church. I didn't know why Sano would bother until I was informed that they gave out free meals to the workers. Saitoh still spent a lot of time at home. After all, his child was only a few weeks old. Kamatari and Yumi hadn't changed a bit and no one knew about their relationship yet. I suspect they rather enjoy getting each other in hot water. With Miss Megumi gone the clinic had been occupied by the old doctor with the two cute granddaughters. They still call me Shinta. 

'Thank you, he's gone.' 

He… I… was cute. 

"It is not your fault Miss Kaoru. This unworthy one should be more careful, that he should." I said rubbing the back of my tender head. 

"If I wasn't so awful in the kitchen I wouldn't have cracked that egg and you wouldn't have slipped!" She protested cutely. Yes, I know. I've given up on correcting myself. I allow myself to call her cute among other things. I know, you're gagging on the fact that I'm getting fluffier than a cottontail. So I'll just move on. 

I grabbed her hand and took the sponge away. She looked up in confusion and I pulled her up noticing how close she was. 

'Are you at least going to kiss her this time? You let too many good chances go by.' I stuck my tongue out at him, but sighed. Was I too timid? Well, the ideals of society weren't helping. Statuary rape laws… I didn't want to be on the wolf's bad side on that issue. 'Why bother with laws? They just get in the way.' 

"Miss Kaoru, you are not awful in the kitchen. It is this unworthy one's opinion that you simply were never taught, that you weren't. We cannot know what we are not taught." 

'Unless you're a magical being.' Shut up, you're becoming nonsensical. 'Pretty unicorns! Called by the sweetest virgins.' That's it, no more literary classics for you. No wonder you see a plot behind everything. 

The rest of the cookie baking was rather uneventful. They weren't going to be perfect, but I was sure that they would at least be edible. 

'You better hope you, taste tester.' 

" Kenshin, can I ask you a question?" Miss Kaoru said sitting on the chair across from me. She was chewing her lip nervously, never a good sign. "Do you like it here?" 

'She means, "Will you stay".' Battousai clarified in a surprisingly neutral tone. Were all the toxins I'd been eating getting to him? 'Don't look at me like that. I know your skull is denser than Hiko gives it credit for. You don't speak woman-ese, or even understand it exists.' 

I shook my head. Something was definitely wrong with him. Very wrong. 

"This unworthy one enjoys his days here." I replied carefully. Tread as if each step could be your last and you will never fall. 

'Or you'll just prolong your agony.' Battousai snorted, but there was no sting in his words. 

"I see." Miss Kaoru said disappointment expressed in her eyes and body. Did she really want me to stay? Forever? Or would she get bored one day. 

I couldn't help it! The pressure! What's a poor guy to do? Well, the smart thing would have been to sit down, shut up, and hold on for the ride. After either expressing an interest or lack thereof. What did I do? The exact opposite of course. I made a hasty excuse, told her to take the cookies out of the oven in ten minutes, and bolted for my room. 

'Oh no you don't! Don't you dare!' Battousai fumed. His amber eyes flashed with ire and disbelief, "You can't spend your life running, I won't let you.' 

I thought you hated this town and everyone in it. 

Pausing only enough to squeeze through the door I slammed it shut behind me. I was essentially a neat, organized person and finding things was easy. My hands were nothing but a fleshy blur as they tossed all the items in that I needed. 

'Yes, but you don't. I don't want to listen to you bitch, piss, and moan for however many fucking years before you come back. Then you find out that you left something behind that was irreplaceable because you were a fucking spineless coward!' He snarled, throwing himself at the bars. If he got out he would force me to stay. I re-enforced the iron hoping it would hold. I'd not seen him in such a state since Tomoe's death. 

Once I had packed I went over to the window. 

'You… you…' Battousai sputtered, going into a new level of rage. 'You fucking get your sorry ass out to the kitchen. You're not going to sneak out like… like some stupid spy or thief. If you're going to do this, at least be a man about it.' 

I… I can't. 

Battousai glared before slowly turning his back to me. With stark frustration he severed the link leaving me alone. 

Ditched by my own alter ego, could it get worse? His voice echoed in my mind saying there was always farther to fall. What would I do without him? We'd been together for eleven years. 

I paused at the edge of town and looked back. This was wrong. I should go back and tell Miss Kaoru that I was leaving. It was the correct and honorable thing to do. I was supposed to be the one with rigor morals, while Battousai was so loose they might as well not existed. 

When I picked up the pack I felt a crinkle of paper. Curious, because I know that wasn't there before, I unfolded the carefully placed note. 

_Himura, _

You must be on the road again if you have discovered this. I have something to admit. Chou and I were there not only for the two criminals but also to keep tabs on you as well. Sorry, but our orders were to delay you as long as possible. You will find your stolen money hidden in the bar. Ask Kamatari. As for Miss Kaoru's locket and Missus Tokio's earrings, Aoshi stole them to distract Saitoh. They are with the money; super speed does have its advantages after all. Even if I did not have time to pick up my heifer I trust that she will be well taken care of until I return. I apologize again for taking the money, if it truly was not your wish to remain. The government would most likely still offer you a position if you require more. Perhaps you can join us on the hunt, right? Ah, I ramble. Enjoy life. 

Soujirou Seta 

If it truly was not my wish to remain? 

A/N: Okay, if I were intelligent I would just go to bed -__-' I have a killer headache and watching Angel didn't help any. Umm, disclaimers about this chapter... I was reading an awesome fight scene between Makoto Shishio and Kagato (Tenchi Muyo) going at it in Hell. Very amusing, but I'm not sure what sort of effect it had on this chapter O__O 

**MangoMania:** I take that as a compliment of the highest sort ^_~ But I prefer the term unorthodox genius! *does silly pose* As for my imagination, that just means that part of my cerebreal cortex is working overtime. 

**mij:** It turned out well (well, it turned out twisted, but that amounts to the same thing in this fic). I don't think anyone else has the audacity to do such things to these poor characters O__O But I don't go out of my way to read Aoshi/Meg fics, so I might have missed one. You'll get an update on the pair when I wrap everything up next update. I hope it was funny and not too twisted. It was funny (weird) to only be playing with three characters for this chapter. I'm used to at least five-twelve at a time. The way I see it; Sano's sturdy enough to put up with Misao's abuse and Misao's not too picky about... certain things O.o;; Rough housing for certain, hygiene? 

**MissBehavin:** Sorry, well it's drawing to a close and I really want it to be. Although that means I should get my butt in gear with the sequel to Responsiblies ;__; Rivers are useful, but you can't say you didn't see that coming! *grins* Maybe he did, I leave that for interpertation LOL. Battousai is great, I love his character (even if he doesn't really exist). O__O Are you trying to reduce me to a babbling idiot? Visions like those, they're corrosive! Besides, he looks much better in blue *pretends she's not drooling*. 

**eriesalia:** That could be great. If I ever get bored I might do that. Double-crossing is fun, and you know it would surely happen! And maybe they could run across some fun characters I was forced to leave out this time. Shishio would make a nice outlaw! That could get completely twisted. Now look what you've done! I can't put any more on my plate right now! Running three stupid fics already and two of them are only about 20 pages... 

**Nigihayami Haruko:** I knicked the term from Austin Powers but O__O;; *nature narrator voice* Observe: the devote father loves his son so much he's even willing to share his hard-won nicotine. Wow, what a guy ^^ 

**Wistful-Eyes:** Hehe, the blockhead (or not? O.o beware, beware). Sano needed a bit of tweaking, the poor man. I made him dumb as a box of tnt in this fic. I had to write a paragraph for English -__-' I scared my peer reviewer. I ask you, am I really that bad? *Sou grin* We all know I'm strapped up for the paddy wagon... 

**Fyyrrose:** We got our snow LMFAO, I'm glad I didn't have school today ^^ But I went to go Borders and it was closed! Dang it, I wanted to see if PSOH and Vampire Game were out yet *fumes*Ah ha, sucks to be you! I have to gloat, payback you see. We both know I'm a vindictive bitch and you watching those DVDs just SUCKS. I can just see Kaoru start beating the poor man and they both plummet downwards *starts laughing*, or maybe like the grave scene. Maybe that's why it seemed to familiar when you watched it. Hiko can try... I am AUTHOR behold my POWER. Katsu deserves more credit. You know, he's more like a weasel than Misao... You may NOT eat Katsu, literally or figuratively. I have some fun plans for him in Shoulder Angels... not for awhile, since we have to get through the Fujita fam. first and the poor, poor unsuspecting Aoiya residents as well as the Great Man himself. LMFAO, I need you for that! Can you imagine?!! Fluff, you know I was so tired on Monday night I went down and watched InuYasha. WTF?!! I had to pick the fluffiest I/K eppy ever! I mean, come on. Last night's was much better. Kohaku ^__^ and last Thurs. was Kikiyo. I got stuck with the boring, sappy one X_X If she looked like their kid then Yahiko looked like Sano and Kaoru's kid! That's all I have to say about that crap. Kite's not evil! She just has no freakin' clue of the damage and havoc she creates in her wake. I mean, she doesn't even realize Misao's been attempting to kill her X__X;; and she tried to bribe Aoshi with tea. Shadow, Raven, and the Devil's own luck is the only thing that's kept her alive this long :D 

**Houndingwolf:** Acting smart, keywords. Who knows what goes on under that spiky hair? Besides the normal 19-yr-old hormones, goals, desires, and spaciness. Believe me, I know all about those. B will get his say, don't worry! 


	23. Epilogue

Epilogue: More than a Paper Cutout

'Ha, and you people thought it was the end! Didn't you! Admit it! Unlike my insipid alter ego I know you're watching.' 

'Well it's not, not until I have my say. Now, I know what you people are thinking. "Aww, he's gone all soft and told Kenshin to stay with Miss Kaoru". That's so not what I was aiming for!' 

'You know that saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer"? Well, apply it to one cranky badass that resembles a praying mantis. Yeah, that one. No, not a wolf, he's a bug. A bug with a triangle head and some big ass pinchers.' 

'Don't look at me like that, I'll start to doubt your intelligence. Anyway, he's a real threat. Well, him and the horse girl's cooking. See, el stupido con man was nothing. Heh, at least he had taste in women. Even so, I knew there was something completely off about that jerk. You have to admit that he fooled all the people in this town… wait, that's nothing to brag about now is it.' 

'Hmm, there's an added bonus to living here. Hiko can be watched. Yes, the man is a walking disaster, yet Kenshin puts more faith in him than me! Imagine.' Battousai sighs, 'Of course, I haven't slipped off leash for a while. Maybe it's time to pay the man a visit. After my rant of course. You guys want to hear this I'm sure. No? Too damn bad. Shut up and sit your ass down.' 

'Ah shit, good thing Kenshin's occupied. Too bad that means the weasel chick has to show up. I don't know what sticks 'n' bones is up to inviting them all over. But she's got to be the absolute worse. She loud and obnoxious and tactless and illiterate and bouncy and cheerful… how that dumbass Sano puts up with her I'll never figure out. Then again, look at Kenshin.' 

'Speaking of the dumbass, here he comes. Now don't get me wrong, I think the kid has lots of potential to be an excellent henchman. He's loyal yet none to bright and packs a punch.' 

'I hate children. They stink and they make noise and they demand so much attention. Yes, you guessed it, I'm talking about the spawn of horse girl. The little hellion has some serious issues. Aside from happily yanking his father's hair whenever he can he such a momma's boy. Now, I know, you're going he's two! But that's not the point. What kind of man hangs off his mother's skirt? If he were my son he'd have learned a thing or two about life. Little pansy.' 

'Before you go off on me saying that pansies are actually incredibly tough little flowers consider the kid floral. Kind of like Tokio, well, except her's live in the garden. Does being pregnant mess up something in females' brains? Ever since having a mini-roach, she spends most of her time there. I don't think she's picked up a rifle in ages. And Lobo, he's getting old. Still doesn't like Butch.' 

'Butch is the best dog though. Absolutely hates Hiko. Too bad he's not mine. We could do some serious damage together.' 

'But if I really wanted a dog all that bad I should just go talk to Sanosuke. The kid could learn a lot from me.' 

'I suppose you want news of the couples, you bunch of sappy romantics! The whole thing disgusts me. At least Megumi could play around, the sly fox. Not that I'm interested in leftover from Cold and Sterile. Shit, she could kiss too.' 

'Well, Tokio could too. Heh, I'm one lucky bastard. In fact, if I could get hold of Yumi I think that would cover all the hot women in town.' 

'Couples, right, sorry. Anyway, Kenshin and Kaoru have their hell spawn Kenji. What a stupid name. I suggested Jason, but Kenshin said I was nuts. Dumbo, no taste. The bug and Tokio are still together. I can't imagine why since when we first arrived they were ready to kill. Can you see what a spectacular duel at high noon that would be? She's sharp shooting. They have the original pissant and there's another one in the oven if you know what I mean. Maybe kids do save marriages on the rocks. Personally, if I had to put up with Hiko for so long I'd either take care of him or get the hell out.' 

'For those with weak stomachs, please skip this explanation. It's utterly disgusting and the two of them deserve each other. Kamatari and Yumi have come out in the open. Thrilled? I guess, if only to rub it in Kenshin's face all the time. He's so unobservant. The shit has to be up his nose to notice it. That's why he's no good with affairs and intrigues. He takes no pleasure out of being bad, the goody two shoe. It was worth the town's reaction though. They still have no idea that Yumi and Chou were married. Well, the whole crew of bimbos don't have a clue about anything else either. How they live in a small town is revealed! No sinful desire to ferret out secrets. Boring. In any other town the two would have been found out the second day tops. More evidence that the people here are brain dead.' 

'Hmm, who else? Oh, Rooster. He's officially courting Misao. Well, as much as he can with his limited caring and attention span. She doesn't seem to mind, also having a goldfish memory and the attention span of a gnat. I think the two do more playing than anything else. Puppylove. God, can you imagine the offspring if they were serious? It's enough to scare even me.' 

'Now, don't get yourself all upset. I haven't forgotten the other pairing. It's not like they write me letters stating everywhere they've been and everything they've done. Okay, actually, Kamatari likes to chat. And since Soujirou is his brother he's got the inside. And since the only one he can yap to is Kenshin I get updates.' 

'Well, it seems one of the pair has some intelligence, I'm betting on Foxy. Then again, it's always the quiet ones who are liable to snap. Anyway, Aoshi and Megumi are still one step ahead of the law. As far as I know that's not too hard. Chou hardly seems bright he married Yumi after all. Soujirou, he just creeps me out. A lot. What's with the live burger obsession?' 

'So much for the long arm of the law. What was the bug doing the whole time those two were in town? Minding his own business I guess. On a lighter note, the jail was repaired, only to be broken again. It wasn't Katsu this time. Actually, it wasn't anyone's fault. Doesn't that suck? Saitoh had no one to blame. I bet it pissed him off! But unless he was going to call down Mother Nature and chew her a new one he's screwed.' 

'The church is all fixed up also, but you knew that. What would these mindless sheep do without religion? Want to know the scary part? Yahiko leads the congregation. Terrifying, I know. The kid is like fourteen tops. He does a decent job, which leads me to believe the church truly could be in the control of a bunch of apes bent on taking over the world. Bow to us pathetic humans!' 

'Sano could be one of them. One of the not so bright varieties I'm afraid.' 

'Katsu and a few others are mining. I guess since the steam engine has gained so much favor that stages are obsolete. Newspapers have never been lucrative either. Every so often you'll hear a boom and see one of the mountains rise in a puff of dust. I can only hope that one day they will make a mistake and bury this hellhole.' 

'Is it really that bad you ask? I'll answer in two very descriptive words: Hell yeah! No action, just stupidity. I can't wait for the next bad guy to stroll along. Either that or the government will realize that maybe they do need Kenshin's help again.' 

'Look on the bright side you say? Well, you tell me then. I'm stuck with a man who can barely breath without his wife's permission, he's so whipped. His wife is a wisp of an adolescent girl with a temper befitting an elephant. My alter ego's best friend has nothing going for him but an early grave and is going out with a weasel. My rival has settled into family life, although he's still sharp as ever. My alter ego's son is an absolute horror, taking after his mother and everyone she was ever related to. I have to put up with the rest of this sad town as well as Hiko. Well, the latter is not all bad. Not after what I have planned tonight. Still think it's great? Have a fun time in the land of bunnies and straight jackets. I live in reality baby.' 

'Take some mind altering drugs why don't you? Anyway, the dinner is winding down. No one has died yet, a pity. The cooking might actually have been considered edible. After five years of cooking lessons you'd think the chick could get it right. How hard is it to make mash potatoes? Don't answer that.' 

'Shitfire, you'd think that Kenshin could do something, anything, to keep in shape! He's going to get fat and lazy. One fine day fate is going to feel like having some fun and bite him in the ass! I can't get his body if he dies on me.' 

'Oh, now we get to the good stuff. I hope Kenny isn't feeling amorous tonight, because I've used enough sleeping powder to take out several weasels. Those two act so… ugh! At least it's down to twice a week. At first the two were making up for that half year of hesitation and were humping like rabbits. I generally try to meditate, but I really could use some tips. If they weren't so damn loud…' 

'Oh, nope, too bad Kenny. She's going out like a light, no pleasure for you. And no rest either.' 

'You see, he doesn't know this so you better not tell, but I can control his body when he's asleep. The ultimate form of sleepwalking! I don't do it often. One time, I was in the middle of… well, none of your business. Let's just say the recipient wouldn't be happy when they woke up. I was almost done when that red haired brat popped up! He was all sleepy and,' Shudder, 'Cute. There was a stuff critter of some sort clutched in his hand and his fist was rubbing his big violet eye.' 

'What did I do you ask? Well, I conked him over the head and hid the body. Hey, I'm not so low as to kill a defenseless kid. Even if the brats do carry germs and are nothing but trouble. It seems you people have totally the wrong idea about me. Well, it will take Kenshin a bit to fall asleep. He has to repent every night. Ridicules. So I will tell you.' 

'Sure I don't mind violence and occasionally implement it to achieve an end, but that's all it is! A tool. So are people, but I'll get that. This world is so complex and stupid people rule the world. I'm serious. It's up to people like me. The ones who see the world for what it is without trappings. The ones who love to read and learn from history's pitiful mistakes, the ones who could make some good changes. Now, I could do all that. Really. If Kenshin would let me.' 

'First thing I would do as president of the United States would be to get rid of that pathetic Democratic system. It serves no true purpose or justice. President is just another word for King. I promise you that. The checks and balances system? Utter bullshit. I would implement a stronger system with appropriate punishments to suit the crimes. An eye for an eye. An excellent ancient law.' 

'What do you mean, have I broken any laws? Of course I have. Numerous times. Part of the purpose of rules is to know them enough to bend, or even break them. The other part? Not getting caught. What did you expect? There are two types of people: the sheep and the shepherds. As one of the latter I feel it is my duty to steer my flock towards order.' 

'Don't look at me like that. I know, I know. I've given the impression of being cold, cruel, sadistic, sardonic, cynical, and heartless. I'm seen as a man who lusts only for power and blood and sex. Let me dispel some of that for you. I'm not a cardboard cut out. I have feelings, opinions, and unique ways. Not that I'd let Kenshin know of course. Since this is his story, or was should I say, you only got to see one side of me.' 

'I was birthed by war and circumstance. Blood and gore is of no consequence to me. Why should it be? My flesh was carved from that of others and my bones created of those that lay discarded on the battlefield. My morals were taken from that of those around me and my integrity was forged from the metal and gunpowder. Don't get me wrong, senseless violence is hardly worth it. People always have ulterior motives. It is the nature of a human. Some are better than others.' 

'Power is definitely something I lust for. I'm no doormat. I take what is mine by right and God help whoever gets in my way. I'm not above swatting insects if they become tiresome enough. The thing is, those idiots, the ones that drool over power. They have no idea what it entails. I may seem harsh, but I'm general fair. When I'm not heckling Kenshin anyway. He shouldn't take the things I say to heart.' 

'Lastly, I'm not the sex fiend that I pretend to be. Flirting and playing is one thing. Hell, even recreational sex is fine. After all, what else can you do once the sun goes down? Candle and lamps are all fine and good, but they can get rather expensive for a long haul. Deep, meaningful love making? Not happening for me. Especially not with horse girl. So what if I'm not above making lewd comments and noticing what a woman's got. I am a guy after all. An yes, all my parts are there and in working order.' 

'Oh good, are you satisfied? Okay, so maybe I'm all the things I was accused of to a degree. But without intelligence it gets me nowhere.' 

'Easy does it now. You need to shut up for a moment. Yes, I'm going to allow you guys to accompany me. I know you are either for or against Hiko. Try to put that all aside and just enjoy the beauty of the night. I planned long and hard for this moment so don't screw it up for me or I might consider you a bug.' 

'All done. Kenshin won't wake up until morning and when Hiko comes storming in he'll be properly clueless. I can't wait!' 

'So you won't be startled, I had to get some help for this. It involved a lot of puppet mastering but I wrangled Katsu and Saitoh in. Did you know that Katsu is a cousin of Tokio and Hiko? Amazing isn't it. Then again, this is a small town everyone is related somehow. He's providing a few fireworks. I think it was because of that crack Hiko made on him in the con man's office. It's Saitoh's job to get the man out. Kenshin would know it was me if he turned up dead from smoke inhalation. Just as I can make his life a misery he can make mine hell. It works both ways.' 

'Here goes. Even if he's a puffed up windbag, Hiko does have some serious skill in detecting and dealing with intruders. Like a donkey or a goose or something I guess. Okay, so the roach did his mission properly. I guess I could count on that. Warrior's respect and all.' 

'I'll just put this pretty blue firecracker here and this red one there. Add some white and you'll have the American flag. How lovely. I just have to make sure I'm clear when the fuses blow and the house learns to fly. If I get so much as one scratch Kenshin can link me.' 

'Okay, no, don't stand there people. You want to die by dismemberment? That's right, back it up a few yards. Who knows the potency of those suckers. Katsu always did things right. There is no such thing as overkill.' 

BOOM. 

'See? A grand show! Oops. Here comes Saitoh and Hiko. Better hide. Here, follow me. I'll get us some front row seats to the blow out. If Saitoh hadn't wanted to get the man back so badly he might have thought this through a bit more before jumping in. Oh well, he'll survive… maybe.' 

"What is the meaning of this? You come and rudely knock on my door in the middle of the night. Then when I step out my house blows up! You really are rotten and no good. I can't believe my sister insists on staying with you. You're better off in a well, with a bullet between the eyes! I see how you could be jealous of me having her affection, but I am the better man!" Hiko ranted, "And now I have to stay at your place." 

'Hehe, damn straight. Can't say I didn't plan it.' 

"Absolutely not. Stay with Battousai, he set this up." 

"My stupid student couldn't organize a flea circus. If he is involved it's because he foolishly listened to a plan you proposed!" 

'Yeah, like Kenshin would listen to Saitoh if he suggested something like this? Yeah right! He thinks the man is a God. All the more reason for me to peg him.' 

'The two disappear into the night and I swear the only way it could get better is if Hiko manages to convince Tokio that Kenshin was involved. Then she's blame Saitoh for dragging him in. All in all it's been a good night. Hiko's shack is again demolished, we got a lovely firework presentation, Saitoh realized he's been duped, Hiko has to live with them, Kenshin will be blamed by both Hiko and Saitoh for something he didn't do, and best of all? You good readers have heard my side of the story. What are you still standing around for? Shoo! I bid you farewell and ado. I have to return my rental body before it's missed.' 

A/N: That's it ;__; You know what amuses me most? I was watching 2 Fast, 2 Furious when I thought Saitoh would look good as a cowboy O__O Those were the origins of this fic. Proving that random thoughts are dangerous! Look, it only took me a forth of a year to finish 150+ pages *gulp* I had so much fun with this epilogue, you people have NO idea! It was even more fun than Aoshi's mediation of the family matters ^_____________^ That was my crack at the current gov't of the USA. As you can tell, I'm not pro-Bush (he's an a-hole to put it in the words of my family). But, MissBehavin there's your revenge on Hiko, you know I couldn't let him get off scot-free. On a lighter note (or darker for me, more work), Responsiblities' sequel [Strays] is *finally* being posted! And of course I'll keep going on BSR. I've also started another one called Shoulder Angels, but I may not post it O__O;; 

**fyyrrose:** Have a nice week so far? It's been boring on this end, but I imagine you're doing everything in your power to make your life interesting (your poor family and classmates). Here's a plus. Friday night I was in a "mood". I listened to country for three hours straight, read a fic called Cabana Boy, played neopets, and wrote on Shoulder Angels. Hoji wasn't quite so lucky as you ^_____^ Now I'm the one hiding O__O Alex is coming over for cooking lessons. She's not as bad as Kaoru, but I told G-ma I'd be up in my room studying psychology and if the kitchen explodes come tell me. 

**Shihali: ** Wow, people do read my blurbs O__o The title is "Hell-bent" and the author is Kagato Akara. It's in the crossover section [R]. Hope that helps and enjoy reading it! It's long, just warning you. 

**lady mistress:** ^^; I'm not sure how much of a western it turned out. 

**MissBehavin:** Hehe, not really. As you can tell, he's a good "man" underneath it *coughrighthack*. Let's just say when you live with your alter ego 24/7, you want them happy. It could get messy otherwise. Tsk tsk, so harsh *grins* Apparently this has never been a problem for you, but Kenny's afraid of commitment. Living near Hiko and Saitoh, not to mention everyone else, would be pain, but I don't think he minds overly much. Fyyrrose wanted more screen time for him[Seta] O.o I'm such a pushover. Se-qu-el... O__O *starts backing away* On what pray tell? *switches subjects* Or a Saitoh in a frilly pink apron? *look of terror* It burns, it burns! The bleach, I need some mind bleach! 

**Wistful-Eyes:** LOL! I've not heard that term since I was teasing my brother with the word kuso (don't ask). Aoshi had to do something, but it makes you wonder if Saitoh knew anyway. 


End file.
